banausic shticky-ness

look for me here:

2008-04-09T17:11:00.003+08:00

if u guys wanna look for more of my updates, i'll be here:

http://xiner-at-doodledots.blogspot.com/

its nth-to-do-ness. im bored. so i changed :S i guess. it's my old blog, onli on a diff add.

at Changi Airport T3 nw. was gonna study. so ... hai. was jz talking to M. yes i noe im selfish. im sry im so selfish. ive said this to kw, n i said this to u and ill stand by my decision. i need to noe who i am. wad i want. who i wanna be. i need to know who i am to be able to know who i wanna be, and to know what i want. out of life, out of my relationships.

i can't expect anyone to love me if even i can't see in myself who i am and what's in me for ppl to love. i cant expect anyone to love me if i dont love myself. at this point in time, my confidence and esteem in myself is so low that i have absolutely no idea who i truly am. everything that's happened in my life is haunting me now. and the one that haunts me the most if, of course, wat happened in sec sch. the one single event has broken me down so much. i had no clear idea until now. when i really need to know what's going on and what i am. ive been thinking about all these stuffs. i noe i'll never be the same. and this point of my life will probably be the one that truly defines my (near) future. until the nxt time i need to organise myself and my life.

i dont think im worthy of anyone's love at this point in time. i urge you, don't love me now. for im selfish. i'm only thinking about "me" now. im not worthy yet. it's been one and a half mths, M (tho i know you won't be reading this) i nvr expected tt u'll still be thinking abt me or still be loving me. everything u've said led me to think otherwise. im sry im selfish. i know i am. guess im jz a self-centred selfish freak. only now do i realise, you loved me in your own way. a way that i didn't see how. a way that i nvr realised that you did. but, dont love me now. i dont understand, why i cant show u concern as a friend. im sry i had to hurt u becos of my own selfishness. i realise, too, that no matter how many "sorry"s i say, it wouldnt help things, it wldnt ease aniting, n everything's jz gonna be the same. but i still have to say it.

often in a melancholic mood these days. thinking about stuffs. stuffs tt i shldnt be thinking about now. i shld be thinking about my studies. but im nt. n tt sux. if only guarantees tt my GPA will be even lower than ever. hai. i need to get my head into my books. i need to get buried in my books. i really need to. and i swear i will start tonight. no more procrastinating now. i shld concentrate on my books.

just for laughs

2008-04-08T22:32:00.001+08:00

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exam fever

2008-04-08T21:53:00.002+08:00

two exams coming up, and a whole lot of forum stuff to handle. and somehow, my sister can always manage to piss me off. never fails.

just watched The Secret yesterday. yes, i know im freaking late. but at least i watched it. hai. im jealous -kinda- hehx. why "kinda"? cos i know i don't practise. bleaghs. maybe if i practised i will be closer to that standard. i may not ever reach there, but at least i'll be closer? *hopefully*

-renewed inspiration to start practising and working towards my diplomas- but as usual, i kind of know that this inspiration will only last until i start getting busy again. hai. so yixin's piano is kind of decided - 1st, to go for teaching dip (i think) then i will go for my performance dips. hai. hopefully it will work out that way.

i have not started studying for my exams. tt sux. i have to start. soon. soon enough. (i hope). you know, i really have to stop all this undermining my own comments kind of stuff. *bleaghs*

things always happen. they will always happen. whether there's a reason behind it, i guess i'll never know. but i'll still try to keep my head held up high and take everything as it comes.

被践踏的花儿

2008-04-06T22:53:00.002+08:00

被践踏的花儿..何时才能够抬起头来?

失去了光彩亮丽的自己,失去了信心,失去了自我,失去了..一切.是社会封闭了他吗?不是的，真的不是的。因为社会并不知道它发生了什么事。是他对社会失去了信心，他不相信，他不敢相信，社会能够宽容他这支渺小得可怜、失去了自我、而且被惨惨地践踏得一无所值的小花儿。所以。。它选择封闭他自己。封闭了自己的一切，一切。

小花儿，毕竟只是一棵渺小的小花儿。

在其他花儿的面前，被践踏过的它，能够抬起头来吗？能够做回完完整整的自己吗？能够和以前一样无忧无虑吗？被践踏过的它。。。。能够容忍自己的脏、自己的丑吗？身上还有着一股浓浓的脏味儿，怎么洗都洗不掉。。。不管怎么刷。。。身上总带有一层层的脏。脸上，总是一层厚厚的脸谱，小花儿。。。从来不敢露出自己的脸蛋。左看右看，怎么看都觉得该毁容的。它应该被毁容才是的。因为，它的容颜。。。哎。。它不仅不再是自己，而且。。已被践踏的它，对社会的不信任，已经完完全全的选择自我封闭的那条不归路。。

小花儿朵希望自己是清清白白的啊。。多希望这一切的一切都没发生过，多希望自己能够像其他的花儿一样，一朵朵的绽放出自己最耀眼的光芒，把最绚丽的一切带给大家，让地球变得更美丽。。但是小花儿，小花儿它。。它只能萎缩在自己的一个小角落，才能够避免丑化这亮丽的社会，这美丽的花院。静静的躲在一旁，看着其他的同伴亮出自己的光鲜，暗暗地为他们高兴。。唯有这样，小花儿才不会污染了花园中的一切美好。。

好悲观的一朱可怜的小花儿。。被践踏过的它，能够站起来吗？能够像以前一样的，重新地站起来吗？好希望它能够。。。跌倒后又爬起的花儿，应该更能够绽放出生命的一切光彩，因为磨过的铁，毕竟会比较亮。。　　。。不是吗？小花儿，经过了别人的细心灌溉，应该。。。应该会更亮丽吧。。。我耐心的、虔诚地祈祷着。。祈祷着小花儿的伯乐能够快快到来，给他信心，给他关怀。。给他再次的相信自己。。。

had a "busy" day

2008-04-04T20:27:00.006+08:00

yesterday was a "busy" day. first: school (b-o-r-i-n-g) and the teacher just wouldnt stop talking!!! *tears hair out in frustration* then met kw for lunch at jp! hmm lemme think wad we had.. long john's probably :S running out of serious food options. *dots* then went over to town to try to do my assignment (which, as of yesterday afternoon, only had one sentence "在这份报告中我将。" yup. tt was the only sentence. settled on the very ulu-ated 星巴克 at 新达城.

we had this (stupid) bet just cos of this (idiotic) person who happened to (unluckily) pass by us on the street near Bugis and i had to speak in a squeaky-over-inhaled-helium-freak voice for half an hour :S. it was weird getting my voice back down to pitch aft tt actually :S i suddenly sounded so .. "man". *brrrs**shudders*

so anyways, in the meantime (which is most of the time) when i'm not thinking about the assignment at hand, looky what i was doing:

trying to be funny and act cute. i seriously always manage to gross myself out. always. no exceptions there.

bt anw, i managed to draft out my introduction and survey stuff (about 1K words) at Starbucks in the 3hrs tt i was there. until we had to walk over to North Bridge Commercial Complex to pick ahbu up from school :S

and guess what. yes. it was raining like there is no tomorrow. bleaghs. (bt of course, tdy proved tt there was a tml -.-") super heavy rain. so anyhows, urm i had to cross this road in the rain in my very slippery shoes that will always manage to slip off my foot when it's wet. so that was what happened. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. yes i was crossing the traffic light. :S so i ran back, picked my shoe up (it was the left shoe), took off my other shoe, and ran barefoot across the road. in the heavy rain. with a few people staring at me like i was an alien. :S what a horribly embarrassing moment.

anw, went to Asian Kitchen for dinner. the food is pretty ok, but the service seriously SUCKS. to the core. i condemn this place la. freak. shall nt bother myself abt irritating ppl.

then went to the Esplanade for Quek Kiat Sing's exhibition opening ("Within Four Rooms", Jendela (Visual Arts Space by Cristal Caritus Trust, Level 2, Esplanade Mall, 4Apr-18May. Free Admission!)! :) pretty cool exhibition :) and the food was not bad :S haha and i think the personnel at the door very nearly didnt let ahbu n kw n me into the exhibition space cos we were like, super out of place in our t-shirts and shorts/denim skirt and slippers LOL. luckily all i had to say was "we're friends of the artist" (and didn't even have to produce the invitation even though it was clearly stated "by invitation only") and kiat sing auntie (as i call her) was right there near the door. so, automatically we went up to her and congratulated her on her solo exhibition opening :) and of course, informed her tt dad was on the way so we could "float" to other places and see the exhibition (and get some drinks) :P aint i jz a piggy li'l pig? lol.

so yea. tt was tt for yesterday. im sure i missed out a lot of funny details. but yea. i cant really rmb all of it nw. anyhows, tdy...... hai. a sama sama day, nth special, just the usual stuff. and my msn's still screwing up on me. :s keeps dc-ing for no reason! urgh.

happy 清明节 everyone. (dont you just love wiki sometimes? they even have info on qingmingjie!) so, because it's qingmingjie, and because our family's pretty traditional, me had a very very very very VERY filling dinner which means i'm seriously bloated right now. boos. so much for wanting to jian fei. brrs. i should get that t-shirt which reads "diet starts ... tomorrow" :S

i shall slack for today! and read my 天魔！！！ muahahahahaha. and studies shall come ... tomorrow. :D

“清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。”

half completed

2008-04-04T01:59:00.000+08:00

yixin has finally completed first draft of the acz assignment. but i do NOT feel like editing. so im probably going to sleep now. gdnite folks. updates tomorrow (or sth)

an update of many updates

2008-04-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

lots of things to blog about today. but it will all have to come after i finish my acz assignment because it's due tomorrow and i have not even finished the first draft. so ppl, rmb, i want to be cremated. :S lets hope i still rmb wad to update abt wen im done with the assignment. for now, tarah~

i need...

2008-04-02T21:59:00.002+08:00

1) to learn to let go. i mean, really, really let go. and really forget. i cant seem to forget. i dont know what im holding on for. a lost cause? i really dont.

2) to concentrate on my work at hand. i have not started doing the essay. and im preparing to go to bed nw. cos im so tired. i guess everything's that been weighing on my mind has really been a huge load and burden on my psycho.

3) to be clear about what i have to do. no means no. do not indulge yourself any further yixin. do not indulge. you will only hurt yourself and the others around you who mean the best for you.

hai. so many things have been on my mind. i just can't concentrate on what i have to do. i really need to do what i need to do but i just can't seem to be able to do it. but i will do it. i will i will i will. cos i have to.

i guess you can say that this is the first time since i was 14 that there is no "guy" in my life for this (short) amount of time. no guy chasing me/expressing interest in me/with me.. like, absolutely none. at all. it feels good in a way, somehow. i have to say thanks to kw for accompanying me tho.. and distracting me from stuffs.. stuffs that i have no wish to think about. not atm. i guess u cld say, that i never felt free-er to be myself or something like that. urgh. it's a weird feeling. its nt gd, its nt bad. its a weird feeling that i havent felt for .. 7 years. yes, 7 years. since sec2. hai.

-going back to being yixin- *wink*

procrastina-xin

2008-04-01T21:27:00.002+08:00

danggit. im paying the huge price for having procrastinated so long. have not started at all on my acz. which is a freakin' disaster. shit. shit. shit. urgh.

im confused. is there a huge misunderstanding going on that i do not know about? that i do not know of? hai. vexed enough about stuffs. i need to get away. away from singapore. away from all the confusion and the sadness and the depression. i need to get away from everything. if nt, yixin will go nuts. i will go crazy. need to keep my sanity. (sudden flashes of memory.. hai. sad again)

the big "F" word

2008-04-01T00:12:00.001+08:00

check out the etymology of the big "F" word! hehx. i suddenly thot about talking abt this in class jz nw.. so yea decided to look it up just for fun on wiki. :) hehehehe.

a dot is a line that ran away...

2008-03-31T22:32:00.003+08:00

this line is probably as cliché as it sounds: "a dot is a line that ran away" but heys thats true :)

i think its really meaningful lol. stupid as it sounds, yes, i do think it's meaningful. it amazes me how different things can look from a different perspective (yes, that still amazes me) cos i find that i get caught up in the whirlwind of life so often that i seldom remember to take the time to look around. to see whats going on, to see whats different... hai. i feel so guilty now. so caught up in my own life that i dont see the others. yixin is sad. so sad.

tdy in sch, some classmates asked me: yixin are u still sick? why today so quiet? not like you leh!
and i thought.. urm.. does that mean im normally very noisy? :S i guess it does. but.. the questions unknowingly made me smile.. :) it feels warm somehow when u noe that there are people around who arent that close to you bt yet can feel a certain difference when i do things tt are .. "not usually what i do".. does that mean i matter in their life? maybe. maybe not. idk. but i guess it does show that somewhere somehow, ppl actually took a certain amount of notice at me. :S somehow. sometime.. somewhere along the way.. :)

wad happened a week ago has got me thinking.. about the people in my life. about how if my life were a circle, some people were tangents, and others had two real roots.. and some others.. well, subsets, i guess :) or maybe intersections :) and yea.. was thinking about all those people who touched my life at some point in time, who went in and out of my life, and those who were always a part of my life, have always been, and always will be..

im always grateful for all of them. all the people who were there (at some point in time) in/out/somewhere in my life. cos they always taught me something.. always taught me stuff tt i needed to know about in life. i learnt from their gd points, frm their mistakes, frm their speech, their actions.. everything i guess. i try to, anyways.

those who let me down, who betrayed me, who lied to me, who insulted me, who ... *sudden shots of horribly scary memories* ... *forget it* ... hai... anyways *decidedly cheerful* yeah. everyone. these people made me fall. they tripped me over so id fall flat on my face right smack in the mud. but it was they, too, who let me have the chance to learn to stand up again i guess. cos, if i dont fall, ill nvr learn to stand up after a fall. now, im caked in mud and dirt. but hopefully, soon, very very soon, i'll be able to shake of all that dried up mud and look cleaner and fresher and be more ready for the next person who tries to make me fall.

yixin has always been using clichéd expressions :S boos.

this sentence has been stuck in my brain the whole day... 寂静的美好 ...
hai.. hw can i forget? hw can i forget how beautiful the quiet night is? how quietly beautiful, how beautifully quiet it is? lying on the grass.. the dewy dewy grass.. staring into the sky, just staring into the beautifully starlit night sky.. so dark, yet so bright with the stars.. nth but the sound of the insects in the far-off distance.. yes i do remember. the beauty of it all.. i miss it so much. even though i can only enjoy a couple of hours each night. but those 10 nights were the best nights of my life.. yes, even the documenting :) i can still taste that sweet air.. the cool, sweet air.. i can taste it even as i type it.. hai. i miss khao yai.. but even more, i miss dek rak pha. hai..
(suddenly thinks of Deaw Dai Cliff in Khao Yai.. the beauty of the sun beating down on the life at Deaw Dai...)
(i even dream of dek rak pha sometimes loool)

*deep sighs*

yes, i miss dek rak pha. and all the people i was there with. all the P.s.. the team members, mr. menon's jokes (hungarians, bulgarians.. my cushion.. and yes, even the way he pokes fun of my surname) hai. my best memories of nj? probably :) that and all the time spent with my friends :) a01! hehx. cow/bull.. geog free periods.. hai. all the library gate-watching :D lol. they still bring a smile to my face everytime i think about it. and yes, those horrendous math tutorials with ms. shoulder pad. and gp tuts with d teacher. n horrible yr1 lit paper8 (practical criticism) tuts :S brrrrs. and who can forget dear dear dear mr. whitby??? fabulous fabulous yr2 paper8 lessons with mr. whitby. unforgettable and definitely off-the-charts memorable. :D *prophetic finger* :)
yes. i miss whitby. and all those lessons with him. hai. *those memories...*

confused

2008-03-30T00:58:00.002+08:00

am i really confused? or do i already know the answer but dont want to accept it? i don't want to hurt you anymore. i don't.

im working hard. i think. towards that silver cloud gleaming just in sight. can i reach it? i dont know. but i (sure as hell) will try.

countdown to time to wake up (to go Choa Chu Kang Condo): 2hrs20mins

yes. yixin will probably forgo sleep tonight.

the power of the mind

2008-03-28T21:53:00.002+08:00

im nt strong. im nt as strong as ppl think i am i guess. but i still do believe in the power of the mind and i still do believe that whatever life is going to throw at me, i'm going to accept it and be able to overcome anything - as long as i want to.

believe.faith.confidence.
and part blindness. i guess tts wad i need to do nw.

yixin's really confused.

those tears.. are not of the pain of losing him.. is the pain of knowing how much pain i caused you.. especially seeing how you still treat me so well. sometimes i'd rather u hate me, scold me, ignore me.. at least i will feel a bit better that way..

so much to say.. where to start from? hai. might as well dont say anything. i jus hope tt u can read my eyes cos u're almost the only person who can..

i dont regret hurting...

2008-03-26T19:06:00.003+08:00

yes, i dont regret loving anyone, though i always got hurt.. i dont regret hurting.. and like i told van, if i ever regret anything in life, anything at all, it would be that i didn't study harder in sec sch and jc.. and that i once let my parents down and made them worry so much for me.. after all, we are all but lone souls, if we don't love, how do we live? i guess frm my char, i noe tt i will keep trusting, continue trusting (blindly or nt), continue loving, continue giving all of my best and even more than that, to whoever wants it from me or needs it from me. and even if nobody needs it, ill still continue to give nth less than my best to everyone. cos i guess tts wad everyone deserves.. just... dont stretch me to my breaking point, i guess.

would i have chosen a different path? would i have chosen not to love? would i have chosen to mistrust? to question? to doubt? if you gave me a second shot at everything again, i'll tell you, i'd do everything exactly the same way, but i'll try to make more mistakes along the way i guess.. so i keep learning. and ill study harder, treat my parents better, be more understanding, caring, giving.. ill listen more, talk less, observe more, watch more, see more, do more and slack less.. ill push myself to learn more. through reading, listening, watching, everything, every single way that i can.. i dont believe in absorbing information from a single source.. i believe in absorbing all-rounded information from various sources.. tts my way of learning i guess :) different ppl got different learning styles :)

dad's home from taiwan!!! *yays* :)

talking to van brought back a lot of childhood memories.. hai.. the happiness and carefree-ness of childhood days.. only to be relived in memories.. but oh wells.. it makes me happy :) hahas!

im feeling so much better nw aft talking to van lol. and aft all d love pouring in from california!! (special thanks to jr who made it a pt to ask me if i were feeling better tho he was rushing off to work) :) *special e-huggs!*

To Chrispy:

2008-03-26T10:39:00.001+08:00

Dear Mr. Chrispy,

:) Thanks for the generous offer! :) sure. let lin pinch u. ill only need a little more time ... *i hope* :)

hai. cant imagine u can b a sweet guy too sometimes :) i feel so happy for Lin wors! :)

tired again.

2008-03-25T22:32:00.002+08:00

-.-"

tml have to go sch. hai. sad sad. tired tired. and i need to rmb to print my surveys! n get it out to ppl. luckily tml got zad class :S

a sudden revelation: some people are just thick. they hear, but dont listen :S yup. some ppl are just thick.

so yup. i shall go cont my novel soon cos i havent read it for two days le. hai. :) hope my astig n myopia wont get worse! looool. see ya all at sch tml!

sad......... melancholic, more like

2008-03-25T11:08:00.001+08:00

why? cos yx jz saw lin's blog. and why will i feel sad n melancholic? cos becos yx had mc ydae so yx didnt go to sch so yx missed out time to spend with her friends... :( *booohooooos!!!!!* hai. bt anw, theres stuff to do. get dwn to it!

This is me:

2008-03-25T09:38:00.002+08:00

yes i have to reiterate to myself. This is me:

loved,
lost,
lived.

hell yea. ive lived. :) n im still living.

i rmb telling my cousins hw i am really grateful for going through my sec sch days as i went through it. that period of time, tho dark for me, was, i guess, the period of time i truly "lived". i experienced life as it is i guess. tears, pain, wretchedness, desperation, near depression, happiness, yadayadayada. it was the only period of time i ever entertained thoughts of suicide. yes, i did entertain thoughts of suicide then. cos everything was just so hard.

but it was the only time and the last time, as i promised myself. and ill definitely keep to that promise cos seriously, though we are sole creatures in a lonely world, we are bonded to the other sole creatures too. and in our shared solitude, we find happiness, strength, courage, chivalry and kindness. the worst times brings out both the worst and the best in us creatures living in dreadful solitude.

i was lucky. i saw the best in the people around me (though i saw the worst too) guess it is our own choice as lonely creatures to choose whether to focus on the silver lining or on the dark cloud. sometimes the silver lining is really hard to see when the cloud's so dark.. but then i look around the sky and there are silver clouds all around.. sure they're further out there, a little longer time is taken, much harder to reach out for. but heys, why settle for silver lining if u can reach the silver clouds? even if i fail to reach the silver clouds, id have passed by rainbows and gained a lot of experience. and i know i will be fuller because of those experiences.

so yes, though the road will be tougher, longer, and more treacherous, but i'd like to still die trying than never to have tried at all :)

i know it's an old-drop-tooth (think chi, ppl) analogy. but i guess it works. dont wanna keep staring at that closed door when another one's been opened behind me (and one that may lead to an even better place too!) ;)

yes. yixin will stand up. and (quoting mrchew) "Rise to the occasion!!" looooool. nah. yixin will be alright. she'll learn, she'll get more experience, she'll be a fuller person each time she gets knocked down. i'm strong cos i eat spinach!! no, really. i eat spinach. it's just about the only green leaf i eat (im such a fussy eater u see) i'm popeye the sailor man *poo!poo!* i'm popeye the sailor man *poo!poo!* ok i didnt noe wad pinyin to use for the sailor man whistle thing. so yea. poo! hahahahahahahas. see? im going crazy! (again *rollseye[x500] at myself*)

see? if there are little kids out there, rmb wor! yixin jiejie is strong cos she eat spinach! like popeye the sailor man! so muz rmb to eat ur spinach wors! :) (im crazy. simply me. simply crazy)

yes. i guess the irritating public transport users shall have to come in a less crazy post later on :)

a simple side note...

2008-03-24T23:31:00.003+08:00

IT'S SO GREAT TO FEEL LOVED BY YOUR FRIENDS!!!

i know i havent received any smses or anything these past few days (very minimal lar) and stuff and stuff and stuff.. but actually, even reading through old tagboard msges is quite meaningful. at least i noe, somewhere along the way, somewhere, sometime, i was still a "fun" person to hang out with. i hope i still am actually :S lol.

was out with the three bro (two out of three) and lao gao n kw ydae (they were great. helping me to forget some stuff - tho they didnt manage to stop my tears from falling but they were a great help tho i dont think they even meant to be. i mean, they didnt know what happened lar). the da ge (eldest bro) n lao gao and the second bro was looking at me all strange ydae when i just saw them. then i knew why. see, i havent seen them in like .. what? six months?

so they were like: 你为什么瘦那么多？怎样瘦下来的？真的瘦很多leh! -- hai. what was i to say? hw i lost almost 4-5kg in one week tt time? how i dropped from 53kg to 48kg in that one single week? i told kw jz nw. abt why i cld do it. i know he feels bad abt it. i didnt wanna tell him cos i knew he would. bt i guess he'd still have to know cos he has the right to. -- so anyways, i had to make up an excuse about how ive got chronic stomach problems (which is true, btw. it just doesnt work the way i told him it does) n sometimes am unable to ingest any food. it was an excuse. probably a bad one. yes, i do have chronic stomach probs tt make me unable to ingest food sometimes, but .. that does not result in weight loss. it results in gastric pain n gastric cramps :S so yes. most times i will still force myself to eat (tho knowing full way i will most probably throw them all up later on still) but i will still force myself to eat no matter how horrible it is.

-renewing positivity--renewing confidence- *jiayous!* dont get affected. dont get affected. jiayou jiayou jiayous. renew ur energy girl. rmb ur promise to urself. no more tears now.

To: Princess

2008-03-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

To Princess:

heyss.. :) I'm not hurting myself if thats what you mean, and ive alr been to the doc's this morning.. as for skipping meals, i dont do that often. its not a chronic thing. the chronic thing is the problems that my stomach is giving me and yes, the doc said "when necessary" so, actually, tho taking myself off the meds is a conscious decision made on my part, if necessarily so, i will still take the meds so no worries.

ppl who are worried? lets see about that some time then :) but i guess my friends and family do know me well enough to know that i will stand up strong enough to face anything that comes in my path. after all, ive walked through stuff worse than this. much, much worse. i will be fine. all it takes is some time :) i know i always say im not as strong as i look, which is true too, but i know im strong enough to be able to take everything that life throws at me in my stride. im short, but my stride is quite big u noe? ;) i can walk pretty fast for a short girl! :)

-smiles-

i hope he takes gd care of you tho :) and stop breaking ur heart. u're a good girl. i really hope he'll cherish you. and be a gd bf to u. not only up till may, but for as long as you guys are tgt. which i hope will be for a long time. if nt, it'll all be wasted on my side wldnt it? :P

since you let go, then be strong, girl. be strong. no more tears now, girl. no more tears.. i wasn't selfish. isnt this what you've been doing all this time girl? you've done the exact same thing for ur gan mei 4yrs ago.. it hurt too didnt it? but still u walked through everything. everything. you've walked thru ur dark sec sch days, girl. it was the darkest moments of ur life rmb? bt u walked through all that. everything's ok, girl. everything's gonna be just fine. take some time, recover urself, u always tell this to other ppl when they come to u with their problems isnt it? life goes on. it does. life goes on. wld u rather have been selfish? i didnt think so. what would it have mattered? what would it have helped? nth. it would only cause you more pain. so don't think anymore about it girl. no more tears now... no more ...

got a new round of meds frm my doc this morning. hai. *shakes head* still feeling pukish. tho i took the med just now. which probably means this round of med nt strong enough? so yea. tml i shall post a post on public transport etiquette or sth like tt :P cos some ppl really pissed me off on the bus tdy.

dont think about it anymore. no more. no more. no more.

-renewed determination-

i mattered enough?

2008-03-24T07:40:00.002+08:00

they key word is "mattered", past tense. mattered enough for you to create a fb acc, mattered enough for u to add me as a friend on friendster (tho u deleted me aft tt). but still, the key word is mattereD. oh wells.

i wanna thank jr for being such a brick tho :) even though he's thousands of miles away in california! awwww he's so sweet :) thanks so much jr, *huggggs!*

n kw too. for being here in spite of everything. i dont understand. i tried to chase u away so many times.. but u're still here.............

how could i have been so stupid? so freaking stupid? yixin wishes to die right now. like, right now.

ive had one meal in two days :S gg to see doc later. hopefully he'll give me an mc. please do. please give me an mc. cos i dont feel too good, doc. i dont feel too good.

weaning off meds!

2008-03-23T09:23:00.003+08:00

first day of totally cutting the meds isnt really working i guess. threw up lots of bile in the morning :S (and i wonder if anyone would care actually, just wanted to whine)

disappointment - check
sadness - check
wretchedness - check
desperation - check

what else did i miss? this seems to be my life these days.

yixin - trying to crawl slowly out of the misery hell-hole. will i succeed? i have faith - i guess.

ppl, i noe my life seems really complicated and like crap now. and i guess it really is.

yixin - trying to pick myself up again. will i succeed? i know i will. but the valley seems so low now, and the mountains i need to climb are so high. i am a little disoriented, a little lost, a little desperate. but i know ill get there somehow. somehow - i dont know how. sometime - i dont know when.

does yixin regret her initial decision? she probably does. but she chooses not to look at it. it makes everything easier for me. cos i dont wanna regret. and if i keep looking back, i cant move forward. ultimately, i know, You havent really changed yet. just wants everything back to the way it was. but, i hope you realise tt its not possible. nth will ever be the same, wei. nothing.

swore i wouldnt cry again. those salty tracks on my cheeks ... tears? it's not easing any of the pain, any of the hurt. what's it trying to wash away? isnt salt supposed to be having antibacterial properties and used in saline washes to get rid of those minute-sized moving stuff? but why is the salt on my cheeks not helping? is the hurt too deep? or did i try to bury it somewhere so deep so i wouldnt feel it, and now that i feel it, idk where it's coming from?

the salty tracks on those cheeks ... mine ... ?

:S

2008-03-23T03:20:00.004+08:00

have i been searching too hard?

why is it, that everytime i leave someone, that someone always turns out to be the one who loves me the most? who cherishes me the most? who is the truest to me?

i know that when the truth finally sets in, and all the dust settles, I know that i'll be torn.

running solely on adrenaline.

i am yixin. seeking friends. true friends. nothing more, nothing less.

friends i noe will be there for me when i whine about the headache, about the doctor, about the bills, and then tell me tt im such a whiner bt still care for me anyways. friends like my ba lurvelies, my jc peeps... friends like silas, fazli ..

yes guys, i still rmb u. hw we used to eat curry puffs tgt at the mama shop. talk abt everything. hung in there tgt. supported each other. u guys were my best buds. seriously.

would i have chosen to live in ignorance and not know the truth? i don't know. i really don't.
one part of me wishes to noe that he loves me too. really really loves me. another part of me just wishes that he doesnt love me at all. so it's easier for me to move on.

so torn.
torn.
t
o
r
n

oh. and yixin has decidedly stopped her meds of her own accord despite having full knowledge of the consequences. sick and tired of meds. really. sick and tired of being sick.

mixed. mixed. mixed.

2008-03-22T16:26:00.003+08:00

i dont know anything anymore i guess. but oh wells. lets see hw things go. :) *.confidence. .faith.*

finally got my 天魔神坛第二部!!!!! wahahahahahas. thanks zp! :) alr 3/4 thru the first out of the 11 books in the second "season". :) there's a third too! muahahas. thanks zp in advance! :)

played wahjong for the first time jz nw wid ali :) quite fun lar i guess. but i missed a few good chances to game cos i was hanging. hanging. hanging. and got disconnected :S but oh wells.

slacked all day tdy. for the first time in my life, i tried doing nth but watch vids n read for a whole day. correction. doing nth but download n watch vids. (from aft lunch onwards till night) cos ive tried reading for a whole day from morning till night and missing lunch and dinner. :S. oh my goodness. i feel like such a nua-ster.

tml? maybe.

and other random stuff

2008-03-21T21:58:00.003+08:00

if i vanished, will anyone miss me? will anyone think about me? will anyone mourn my loss? will anyone realise that i'm gone? will i be in anyone's hearts?
if i were ill or injured, will anyone's hearts hurt? will anyone be worried? will anyone panic?
if i were not me, but someone else instead, will i be facing the same problems?
if i were a different me, would the path i chose be different than the one i took?
if i handled things differently, will it all boil down to the same fundamental problems?

there are so many "if's" and i just can't answer any single one of them.

sometimes i imagine that im sick or injured,
and i wonder if there will be anyone there.
sometimes in the middle of the night, i see my own funeral, with no one there beside.
i break out in cold sweat, face drenched with tears
silently wretched.
at times i chide myself,
for having thoughts like that.
at times i can't help but think:
you know thats not true,
so why think about that?
but most times i am insecure,
i don't know how i am.
i dont know what i am.
i dont know ..
i dont know who i am.

so, who the hell am i?
yixin the NIE student?
yixin the elder sister?
yixin the younger sister?
yixin the daughter?
yixin the cousin?
yixin that nobody loves?
yixin that nobody likes?
yixin who seems so strong?
yixin who is silently vulnerable?
yixin the ex-girlfriend?
yixin the girlfriend?
yixin the irritating girl?
yixin the tutor?
yixin the student?
yixin whom some hate?
yixin the joker? the classmate? the who?

so many different roles we all play in life.

can i just be known as "yixin"?
one single "yixin", the same yixin everyone knows.
i am the NIE student, the elder sister, the younger sister, the daughter, the cousin,
the yixin
that some people love and some people hate,
who seems so strong at times and yet is silent vulnerable too,
the ex-girlfriend, the girlfriend,
the irritating one, the funny one,
the tutor, the student, the teacher.
the probably The Slacker too.

i am all of it, and perhaps, none of it too.
irritating at times, funny at times,
mocking and sceptical yet trusting all at the very same time,
witty sometimes but conscientiously ignorant and idiotically stupid at others.

so who am i?
all of it? none of it?
maybe, just maybe,
maybe i'm just me.

im not yixin. i am me.
i'm not the body that you see,
the face that you peer into,
the eyes you try to see inside.
i am the one inside.
the one you can't see,
nor touch,
nor feel.
i'm not the "brain",
the "cognition".
not the "soul",
nor the "spirit".
i am.. ME.

defined only by my thoughts.
by what others think of me.
i'm just that.
i'm whoever you think i am, i guess.
defined only by others perception.
by the actions that my body makes,
the speech that my mouth forms.
dictated by the processes that my brain chooses to convey.

so am i me? or am i not me? or am i quintessentially me?

who's to noe?

maybe i do.
and maybe i don't.

simply .. me.
as undefined as a blank Word document.

Eed Ommi Saeed!!!!!! (and random branches of thought)

2008-03-21T20:12:00.003+08:00

to all mothers out there,

Eed Ommi Saeed!!!!!

that's Happy Mothers' Day in arabic. :P yes, Saudi Arabia's mothers' day is today. check out the international dates for mothers' day! i nvr knew there were so many mothers' day(s)! how seriously ignorant can i be? so i checked out fathers' day as well and my, have i been a mountain tortoise all my life! *whew*

wells, as far as wiki goes, there are only a few dates internationally for Valentine's day (a.k.a. St. Valentine's Day), the two main ones are 14th Feb (internationally recognised), and the 七夕 which falls on the 7th day of the 7th lunar calender. but since the japanese don't really follow the lunar calender now, 七夕 is celebrated in japan on the 7th day of the 7th month in the Gregorian calender as well. :) which equates to: 2 Valentine's Day in the world! :) but there are equivalents to valentines day in other cultures as well. including Slovenia which celebrates it on 12th march as St. Gregory's Day. :)

i love wiki. :) -most of the time- :P

wei, please don't ask me any more of this kind of questions. I want to treat you as a friend now. only a friend. don't wait for me. you will only make me feel worse. if i had known it, i will definitely not go out with you le. i don't want to give you false hope. i don't want you to think that because i agree to go out with you, and hang out with you, that i will patch up with you now. i know you still check my blog every single day without fail. you should know me best. most things, i find it to communicate best by writing or typing it out so i'm saying it here. i hope you give yourself, your own life, and other people a chance. this is not the end of the world for you. why do you keep locking yourself up in this vicious circle? i keep pushing you to meet other girls because of one simple fact that i want you to go out and live your life. i know you only started to open up to people after being with me. i don't want you to close yourself up again. please, if you want to make me happy, if you really want to make me happy, then go out and live your life. live a colourful life. please. do it for yourself. do you really want to grow old and think about your life and then stop at this age and think: oh my goodness. my life from the age of 18 to 22 is an absoloute void with nothing in it? wei, i sincerely want you to move on. please. i am not worth it for you to lose any sleep over me. here's a quote for you:"nobody is worth your tears. the only person who's worth your tears won't let you have any." i'm not that girl, kw. if i am, i wont break your heart, i wont make you cry, i wont make you so upset now. i know you too well. i know you will argue. i just hope you look at this logically and rationally and not emotionally.

cant i love guys only as friends? why must you all always try to take things a step further? can't we remain friends? is it so hard? why must you put me in such agony? this is all making me feel horrible about myself. maybe yixin shouldnt be here at all. right?

a new personal chant

2008-03-21T17:48:00.002+08:00

my new personal mantra shall be: i can! i can! i can!
and:
make it work! (think Tim Gunn of Project Runway) :P

yes. don't bore nina. :P carry-ing on.............

yixin shall make things work. i will make things work or i'll know why. :S need to 鞭策 myself a lot more now. no more slacking, girl. no more slacking. grind down to the work! jiayou jiayou jiayou!!!

lots of blog stuff to blog about?

2008-03-20T23:24:00.004+08:00

yup, but what? idk. got a lot of topics i thot i cld work on on the way home tdy.. and on the way out (to meet C) and on the way back again :S. but as usual, ive forgotten most of what i wanted to talk about. maybe whine about how tired i am???? :S

brrrs.

so anyways, yes. saw lots of nj juniors when i was on 171 gg out jz nw. one stop before nj, yes the ny stop, i saw this ip girl get on the bus. i recognise her frm her ip days when wanda n sabu n her hung out tgt or sth like tt. i mean, yea i rmb her frm her ip days wid the "ip kids" so we called them. then it suddenly hit me *once again* that hey. the "ip kids" have now graduated frm nj! oh my stars. which means they've spent 4yrs in nj. i mean, finished spending their 4yrs in nj. which also means that i am alr two years away frm nj!

and counting by 2008 - (please read the sign as "minus") 2005, it's been 3yrs!!!! i feel so O-L-D. then saw some ppl still wearing nj uniforms get up the bus d nxt stop (the nj side gate stop) and i cldnt help but think again... geeees it's been 3 friggin' years since i looked like a stone? oh my stars. time has been really really unforgiving. where has time gone? flown right out the window without my realising it again? and come to think of it, it's coming to the end of my second yr in nie! hai. where has my time gone? dear dear dear time, can you slow down a little? just a little? so i can enjoy my youth a little more? please? pretty pretty pretty please???

was reading this story on kctan's blog.. (yes, i did in actual fact check out kctan's blog. and his 文笔 is really gd lo...... i feel so friggin' inferior. maybe i should set up a blog entirely in chinese too? hmmmmmm.............. *ponders**stroke beard as if it were existent*) i was so 感动. by the truth of the love shining through, it's like you feel the quintessential essence of the love that they share, and even as outsiders, bystanders, strangers, you can feel that deep bond between them.

i think everyone longs for that kind of love, the kind that you will hold on to forever.. the kind that may seem dull, non-existent, boring, and dry.. but in actual fact is the most lasting, most bonded kind of love and relationship. how many times in our flippant youth do we mistake excitement to be true love? that we oversee the fact that having an exciting courtship, or a "romantic" courtship, or a relationship filled with passion and angst is not equal to holding love? to having true true true love that flows between the two of you like liquid crystal?

i really admire and envy my parents. they've been married so long (27years) and yet, though they don't show their affection so much i.e. they don't hug and kiss and everything that we see young couples do in public nowadays and they don't really show what they feel, and you rarely ever hear them say that to each other, but somehow even as a bystander you can feel the deep bond that they share. a simple brush of mom's hand on daddy's knee, how they poke fun of each other's linguistic mistakes at times (peeps, nw u noe, i gt it partly frm home too! :S) it's just so .. sweet!

is this what i've been searching for? is this how i want my own relationship to be like? maybe it is. it seems so perfect to me. but i noe my parents have been through quite a lot to get here and to be together. i dont think maternal grandmama liked the idea of mommy marrying daddy. but oh wells. they're there now and thats what matters i guess. what's most important? they're them. and i wouldnt accept them any other way :) im glad tt my parents are my parents i guess. :) no matter what happened in the past, im who i am because of how they've moulded me. and i'm so grateful to them for doing all they can to bring us up despite all the adverse circumstances acting against their favour. it's time for me to do something for them now.

-judge me not for who i was before, but for who i am now-
and i am nobody but me.

interested!!!

2008-03-18T22:53:00.002+08:00

thanks to SJ and Nish :) i gt to noe abt this workshop for teachers. it's The Teachers' Leadership Summit 2008!! :) organised by the Singapore branch of Halogen Foundation! hehx. hmm im really interested to go. firstly, it sounds like a very helpful thing for us, and secondly, ive got really great great feedback from ppl who've attended. hmmmmmm.. hai.

(ok. im in a very incoherent mode now. cant seem to be able to form my sentences properly. been like this all day :S n im getting a headache again. shoots)

maybe it's time for me to go to bed! :) im jz a slacker. boos.

wud da...??

2008-03-18T20:56:00.002+08:00

am looking through the 课标 and 课文 of the p3 chinese syllabus. and i just have to say .. what the hell does the teacher want us to do again??? boos. time to look for the assignment handout. which i do not know where it is :S oh my stars.

daddy is flying to taiwan for a week tomorrow afternoon. hai. i will be in class, so i will be unable to go send him off :( yixin is sad.

NIE ASEAN club is having ASEAN week at the student hub! :) selling t-shirts n AAEF forum tickets. AAEF forum tix. AAEF = Annual ASEAN Education Forum! :P pls come n support if can lar.... i noe the price of the t shirts are a bit steep but........... it doesnt look very bad wad! :) i'd suggest u come for the forum tho.. GOH is gonna be the former secretary-general of ASEAN :D come come come! hahas.

(as you can see, this is a really random post :S im basically just typing whatever comes to mind atm)

oh and yixin has had the longest afternoon nap of her life. i normally only nap for an hour or two and i only nap if i'm really super duper very tired (to the point of nodding off when i close my eyes) cos i get really bad migraines n headaches if i slp in the afternoon. and normally when i nap, it's cos i took meds tt cause drowsiness (like the meds im taking now boos) slept for near on 3hrs jz nw! oh my stars. and nw, yixin is tired again :S hai.

spent more money hai. really gonna squeeze n tighten my belt now. nt becos im alr broke, but because im sick n tired of being broke. so 加油! curb every desire and want. spend only on needs! yes. tts d way babeh~ :P (going crazy)

-if i can see it, then i can do it....- visualise! hehx. im really nuts. rmb ppl, room no. 0315! :)

i believe that if u believe in it, and if you truly put ur heart to it, you can achieve anything you want.

-it's a long tough road out there- jiayous.

eventful day?

2008-03-17T22:49:00.014+08:00

been really careless. not in the right state of mind i guess. maybe i got too serious a lack of sleep or sth. idk.

first: i forgot my aaef stuff in the morning so i had to get off the bus at YI bus stop and cross over the bridge and take the bus back and cross the bridge and climb up the slope to get home just to get that stuff.

and as all things yixin, that was when things started going haywire too. but lets not go there. im feeling horrible enough as it is.

second: witnessed a very spectacular upheaval of stomach contents within half an hour of reaching the classroom. my stomach contents :S bleaghs. a repeat of that was doomed to happen aft dinner. which it did. like, 15mins ago. :S

and puking always makes me very tired. i mean, im tired enough as it is with the meds, and aft tt, i was really really really tired. :(

wads gg on. wads really going on? cant u be straightforward with me?

and.. yes. dinner at The Hip Diner at bugis! hmm the food is not bad lar i guess.. :P the grilled chicken i had was pretty good actually and the waffle too....... but i think Shokudo's waffle nicer. fluffier and softer and more tasty sort of. :P yumms. but i wasnt concentrating on the food though.... sth else... hai.

and yes went to my aunt's shop at bugis street to get clothes :) hehx. hopefully ill feel motivated to *ahem* cos the clothes look so petite -.-" and i saw this t-shirt in one of the shops tt i really felt like buying. it reads: i love my girlfriend(s). hehx. and another one with a chicken spirit coming out of a sunny side up. i mean, i wouldnt have gotten that second one, but the first one was pretty funny i think. and was at ms the other day and saw this shirt again: why do the weirdos always sit next to me? and i decided i SO should not get that shirt tho it's pretty funny n kewl cos i'd be badly beaten up by whoever happens to sit next to me. esp in school :S oh boi.

hmmm my gastric feels weird. maybe i shld go see doc tml morn before i head off for school? hmm maybe i shld. been putting it off for a week alr..

n yx's having a fever right now. right now. hai. boos. im sad. i shld get some rest early and soon. -bothered-

and planes' been hanging around my estate! i mean, they dont usually fly around here (those army planes) but recently ive been hearing a lot of them. urgh. and of course, if u're trying to get a good nap, it's kinda difficult. and they're still flying around now! rooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr... boos.

and my leg itches. it itches itches itches. reminds me of a song "itchy itchy scratchy scratchy up and down my backy-wacky".... do u think yixin is going nuts? cos i think im gg nuts? friends, my IMH room no. is 0315 come find me when u have the time ok? cos yixin will be *sings**oh soooo loooooonely....!!!!* and when yixin is lonely, yixin will go crazier! booboobaba!! :S baba? boobooboo! boobababa?? bababooboo! :S *disgusted at myself*

time for some sleep i guess. n hoping that sleeping will ease the escalating gastric pain.. get well soon lin :) *hugs*

*yixin is SUCH a whinner* and oh nos. i noe it myself. hai.

下定决心！加油加油加油！你行的！开口说话没有结果，要行动才行！加油加油加油！！！！！永不服输！gambatte!!!!!!!!!! 我相信你可以！我相信我可以！艺欣，我们一起加油！嗯！一起加油！！！！！（唔。。可是要小心不要加太多wor。。减肥好辛苦neh~）
*不好笑**打冷颤*

*edits@2318hrs* i have just spotted a mosquito flying around in my air-conditioned bedroom. no wonder i still get so many mosquito stings. urgh.
杀！！！！！！

ok. too violent.

now my blogger's screwing up. cant change the font size and font. argh. *stabs myself* so im going to stop my updates right here.

internet!! internet!!

2008-03-16T11:32:00.002+08:00

finally my internet is working! lalalalalala!! :) now i just want to say: "internet! oh, internet!!" (think Brave New World) :P ok, i am going crazy.

hehx. need to thank my cousin for helping me get my internet done wors lol :) and i am halfway through my acz drafting - i mean, drafting the question i want to do and the survey. which means i am less than 25% through the entire assignment. great. im really quite at a loss as to what to do now. boos.

life goes on. in spite of things (and despite of things) that have happened and that are happening at the moment. that's the rule of life isn't it? life just moves on. i have decided to keep up with that pace. and continue moving forward. c'mon yixin. you can do it. let's go. move it move it move it. lets do it. :) jiayou jiayou jiayou!

pissed off

2008-03-16T10:35:00.001+08:00

y do u always have to do this? it's very piss-ifying. as*hole.

yes. im fuckin' pissed off by a very ridiculous jerk.

new tagboard

2008-03-15T15:23:00.002+08:00

i have decided to use a new tagboard. cos flashbox screws up on me. and im still getting disconnected by my ridiculous router. yup.
and i havent been digesting my food.. so i've been drinking green tea these two days. i mean, the tea leaves with warm water kind of green tea and not the canned type. so yea.

-watching real superhumans by the discovery channel!- this program is so cool.

ah wells. im stuck at my acz cos i dont know what question to set. which means i cant draft out my survey. which means i wont be able to draft my report. boos. need to come up with the question soon. but the thing is, i can't concentrate. cant concentrate at home. i need to get out to study. ive never been able to study at home. boos.

hai. get down to it get down to it!

happy birthday Jy!!! :) this won't be the last of me u'll hear :P happy happy happy birthday :)
*lotsa things i wanna say, bt nt here, nt nw. maybe nxt time*

silent carers

2008-03-14T17:03:00.002+08:00

this is a kind of like reply thing to the comment (tt someone idk who left on my blog). hehx. i mean it like it is. i dont know who it is. and, urm, idk why my tagboard is screwing up either. :S

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... *ponders**sighs* idk wat to say really. :S

but.. like i told kw the other night, i just dont say anything. like, anything. i jz bury it somewhere deep in my heart (okay, not so deep cos they still surface from time to time when the monsoon arrives =S) its jz sth abt me i guess. hai. i just dont know how to say wad i feel, and i dont know what to say either. it's like someone took a hammer and some nails and clamped my mouth shut with a sealed lock. maybe im jz sick up there? hai.

but it's heartening and heartwarming to noe tt someone out there cares.. :) n yes, before u guys start scolding me, a lot of someone out there care for me :) but it's special and different when there's a person you don't know (like, really dont know, like a stranger kind of don't know) and that person showed tt (s)he cares enough to tell u stuff? idk wad im talking about nw actually. brrs. maybe its the fever getting to my head.

went for a lovely lunch with the ba lurvelies tdy. really full. i mean, bloated. yup den went sim lim wid daddy to buy the canon powershot G9. boos. got quite a gd price i think :) but oh wells then again.

my internet's broke down yet again! yippees yays. boos. :(

n yixin is stuck at home. im so sick of being stuck at home. anyone wants to go out at night?? please please please jio me out...... cos im collecting dust at home and im festering and rotting and vegetating and becoming biofuels! :( (and becoming fat too!)

and yes i think i may be going to the doc's later. :(

on second thoughts, wad an utter waste of money. maybe not then.

oh big spender!

2008-03-13T23:04:00.003+08:00

yes yixin has realised tt shes a big spender. i think she spent nearly 150 bucks today! sheesh. bleaghs. just on food n stuffs i think i alr spent abt 50bucks lo.. plus transport, 50bucks (top-up ezlink). and me bought a dress hehx. for 50bucks! oh my stars. hmm hope its nice ba. so ppl, ask me out on a weekend or weekend night or sth and i may wear tt dress :P i hope it looks nice (cos i think i look like a hot air balloon in it :S)

and im tired. hahas. med's nt helping these days. idk why. but oh wells. things happen right? hahax. just gotta see hw things go i guess. and im pretty sure i had stuffs to blog about today. but suddenly i dont rmb at all.

oh! and i went to the bone marrow donation drive thing tdy. n guess wad. the guy who took my blood sample was such a cutie. oh my! hahas. hes cute lar. :P but oh wells. im kind of hungry now cos i had dinner (lunch and dinner actually) at 5pm! dots!

and yixin is absolutely in love with muji. :P

oh and im unable to upload pics from my phone nw, so, all the pics have to wait until two criteria is met:
1) i get my m2 adaptor
2) i get my stuffs done
cos i just realised that i have a lot of things that i have to get done. and there is simply not enough time left! hai. serves me right for not constantly reviewing my deadlines and taking note of what i have to do. hai. i feel like such a foolish loser.

and i have once again become the feeding point for mosquitoes. i have no less than half a dozen stings on each leg. brrrrrrs. so itchy that ill wake up in the middle of the night scratching at my legs! booos im sad. hai. and my internet just got dc-ed again. hai. have to wait until it connects before this gets published!

(and idk weva to smile at this bt my profile views for friendster has been quite stagnant for the past week :) hehx. and somehow im smiling at it lol. im jz sick?)

friends!

2008-03-12T21:56:00.009+08:00

good friends who are always ready with witty comments always brighten up my day.

so much has been happening in my life lately. things that keep pulling me down, and wanting me to stay down. but ive been down there, ive been down there a long long time. and now, all i want to go is up. i dont want to get pulled down and pushed down again.

i thank all my friends for being here for me so i wont stay down there. did u guys noe, that just by being there, just by being who you guys are, you really help me so much. help me to remain being who i am. and to remain standing strong to who i am. many many special thanks to u all ba lurvelies. n of cos, mr chrispy sometimes always happens to say sth funny and i see it at the end of a really tiring day n it cheers me up too. thanks u too chrispy :)

yixin dunno why shes been in a horrid mood since sunday.

things to complete:
1) acz report (which oso means i have to start to think about the qn tt i wanna do)
2) acc202.2 report
3) acc201 test to study for
4) acc202.2 test to study for

yesh. msyixin is so dead.

i do not want to think about the test tt i did in the afternoon. im guessing it was horrible. i didnt even manage to finish up two pages of stuff. -correction- i got stuck at 1.25 pages. bleaghs.

why is it that when people show me explicitly that they care (e.g. asking me to talk to them about stuffs) the more i keep it to myself? the worse i will feel? the more i feel like crying? how can i bear to worry you when all you're carrying is heavy enough?

yixin is a 使涂癖 girl.

sometimes i dont say stuff not only cos i dont want to worry anyone or bother anyone unnecessarily, but oso because i dont noe why im feeling the way im feeling, so i dont see a point in worrying other ppl for no reason. u of all ppl should noe, that no matter wat u say, i will still keep my probs to myself. until i reach beyond my breaking point. kw: i noe u noe, i noe u care. bt sometimes, ur caring makes me feel worse. i noe u mean the best for me, i noe you just mean well.

i jus wanna cuddle u. you dont have to do anything, or say anything, just let me noe tt u are there. somewhere, just there. jus need to noe tt u are there. tts all.

-it's the simplest things that count-

tired. worried. stuffs.

2008-03-11T00:57:00.002+08:00

its been weighing on my mind.

maybe yixin should go out and get a new router. urgh. why the hell am i the one trying to fix the computer stuff at home???????????? *screams*

im so tired. im so exhausted. n im so worried.

im so worried. hai.

wads gg on.

anw my phone seems to have a bit of prob too. only received the sms tt my bro sent me last night when i was having dinner just now. and only because bro sent it again by mistake. so, it will in actual fact mean that i totally did not receive the sms tt my bro sent ydae. cos i distinctively rmb that i passed the laptop to him when he knocked on my door to get it and i didnt receive any sms from him askin me to pass him the laptop. so my phone is basically starting to get screwed too. but i dont think its d reason to not receive any sms/calls frm u. idk wads gg on, idk wad ur up to. bt i noe im freakin' worried. 腐化克阴-黑乐（大概的音译）

urgh. boooos! im getting worried out of my mind. gg crazy. literally gg crazy. if i dont hear frm u soon ill go mad with worry. hai. y do ppl keep disappearing ard me? it's like im the bermuda triangle or sth! *freaks out*

-holding on to the good memories-

tired n weird n worried

2008-03-09T21:57:00.002+08:00

freakin' tired tdy. idk why. been sleeping all day. which means that i havent started studying my aaj. great. absolutely great. bt im super tired nw again. so, i will get some sleep soon. cos yixin's feeling sick.

and im getting very worried. get back to me asap pls. will really appreciate it. shld yx cont to take the meds? hai. maybe i shldnt. headache. hai. not looking forward to tml's class.

router prob

2008-03-09T10:44:00.003+08:00

i see it now.. seems like the internet connection problem has to do with my router (sry lar, tdy is d first day in a long time im free enough to really check out wad the prob is) so i shld get a new router. and for now, i will still be unable to do any research for aaj *=S* so dead. so dead. so dead.

urgh. boos. worried. sad. tired. so tired. time for meds. boos.

randoms

2008-03-08T23:15:00.001+08:00

i'm trying to be nice. but it's hard. u're not giving me a chance. stop insulting me already. ive been there, done that, got sick of it, i'm moving on. maybe you should too. stop blaming me, and reflect upon yourself.

pls, stop pushing. i dont want to ruin anymore friendships. can't we just remain friends? if i ever wanted to take anything a step further, i'm sure i'll let you noe. lets just remain friends. pls?

han's bdae "celebration". lucky her got a Baby G for her birthday and *ahem* 3 cakes. long story, lets just say, it's a terrible terrible miscommunication *yet again*.

(hai. yixin is really not in the mood for anything today. supposed to do my research. but, internet's breaking down. -i take about 2-3hrs for each post cos i keep getting dc-ed. and aft i post i get dc-ed almost immediately again- great. just gonna try to see wad i can do)

played 5stones. dont ask me why. we just did. me, ps, py, han, julie. hmm they dont have 5stones in germany! maybe she could like import some over for selling in germany. and teach the kids there at the hospital how to play it. trains coordination and passes the time away real fast i guess.

keeps weighing on my mind. keeps weighing on my mind. stop insulting me. urgh. be gone. be gone. be gone.

idk wad i can say to U. except that i hope there can be more understanding between us. n lets work tgt. i noe theres a lot to put up with. i hope you can forgive me for that. theres so much i wanna say. i dont know how to though. im nt a person whos good with words. n ive got a pretty dead mind.

guess it's time for pen and paper again. sometimes, this just doesnt help a lot and pen and paper always does the trick.

(at this point in time, i have been connected only once, and it lasted 5 mins. and it's been an hour into the post)

-make it work-

wats wrong with me?

2008-03-06T22:26:00.002+08:00

i was really tired today. had originally hoped that this next course of medication would be better than the first. but no, tt was sadly not to be. so im feeling horrible, yes. this post will be a short and depressing one.

had 2hrs slp last night. n came back cos (thanks emms!) emms reminded me tt i had to send the option form over to HQ. so i came back to sign the option form, and oso to meet julie and fg. had abt an hr's rest in the aft lying on the cold floor of the living room.

went to east coast park cos julie wanted to see the ocean (shes deprived) n yea well. i forgot how much i loved the ocean, how much i loved the sea. (pics nxt time - can't get it up cos well, bluetooth not working, usb not working, and adaptor's not with me) got quite some thoughts i guess. -melancholic-

well then aft tt we went to tekka for dinner. had prata. yes, i noe, its a) curry b) fried c) oily. yes i noe. bt when the whole group goes for tt, u cant possibly say i dont eat anything right? so now yixin's paying the price. i think imma go puke later or sth.

den went to clarke quay for tcc. yes. clarke quay. tcc. well, seems like some of the information tt we learnt on that excursion really paid off! well, and yea basically julie and me took train from clarke quay to clementi den cabbed home from there. cos shes staying at my place u see? and shes got a bad leg so she cant really climb tt slope so yea cabbed frm clementi. and it cost $7.20! hai.

im doing wrong things again. maybe im nt ready. or maybe, im just not cut out for it. maybe i should stop trying. shld yixin give up nw?

i no longer have any confidence in myself. even the teeniest tiniest little bit of confidence is gone now.

what is my value in this world? what is my purpose here? dont worry, yixin wld nvr entertain thoughts of suicide. i just sometimes lose my vision. i sidetrack, i veer away, n i cant find my way back.

now, i'm lost in the rainforest. seems tt there is a hand guiding me back. bt im afraid of gg back. when i reach the main road, will i be able to fit in like before? will everything be the same? what would have changed? can i cope with the change? what is the situation going to be like?
so i withdraw. n reject. n distant. i dont want to face d uncertainties. yet, i dont want to be lost and alone again.

-sick- imma go relieve my stomach of its contents now.

a rush (of thoughts too)

2008-03-06T07:19:00.004+08:00

am doing it juz before i head out for classes. just the thoughts tts been floating ard.

how am i to tell you everything that's in my heart? how i hold you so dear, so close? how i'm so afraid that it'll all shatter?
how am i to tell you whats going on? thats breaking my heart into a million pieces and it would never be the same whole again?
how can i bear to see you worry when the fault doesn't even lie with you?
to see you sad when i brought it upon myself?
to see you troubled just because of my incompetence and my problems?
how can i ever bear to do all that, when all i want to do is to see you smile? and make you happy?
how can i ever bear to see you sad and frown and upset cos u cant do anything about it, when im feeling sick and poorly? it's never going to go away, you know? it'll always be with me. how can i ever bear to show you how poorly i really feel? to see you upset just cos of that?

im sorry i upset you. pls understand, it's not that i dont love you, it's not that i dont trust you. and though my mouth remains tightly sealed, my tear-filled eyes wld betray me.. i do want to be able to tell you everything. to show you how i really feel. to know that no matter hw weak i am at times, there's a strong shoulder right there for me.

i probably never expected anyone else to be able to finish my sentences, to know what i think when i'm thinking it, to show me everyday that there's a sturdy rock in my life and anytime i want a rest, it'll always be there. to want to just see me sleep, hold my hand and show me they care when i'm ill.. to accept me for the secretly inferior person i am inside, to see that under my "strong" veneer, im juz an ordinary plain jane little girl without a sense of security who savours every ounce of love shown to her. to know that though i may seem to be pushing you away at times, it's only because i hurt inside and i dont want to upset you for that, though i often forget that just by distancing you in that way, i already did it.

can you ever forgive me for my stupidity? my selfishness? my self-centredness?

i hurt more than you think i do.
i am not an unfeeling person.

happy day (???)

2008-03-05T20:46:00.002+08:00

well it's a happy day today cos first and foremost: TODAY IS THE LAST DOSAGE OF THE HORRIBLE MEDS!!!. on the other hand, i have to start another course of 3weeks worth of medicine tonight. :(

and second thing to be happy about: julie's in sg! hahahas. yes julie. German doctor. she'll be staying a week. :) its so nice to see her again!

and yea well.. so far, its looking like this course of medicine wouldnt be any better. im really tired aft taking it. hai.

yixin has forgotten what she wanted to blog about today. but u noe, yea, well.. hai. tomorrow, morning lesson. is there anything to do for it? i'm not very sure. n yixin's having a tummy ache. hai.

im having a blue blue blue blue day.

wasted day? -perception-

2008-03-04T21:59:00.003+08:00

in terms of my schoolwork of course, today is totally wasted cos i did not touch any schoolwork at all. i didnt think about my acz qn n hence i didnt think about my survey questions tt im supposed to draft out.. and i didnt do any research for aaj either.. and i didnt even study aaj or revise any work. so yes, in terms of my schoolwork, its pretty much wasted.

but in terms of mental health, i think my sanity is restored :) i wldnt elaborate too much on this. lets just say, i had a very fulfilling day. and i had a wonderful day. and yes, my sanity's restored i think. thank you for everything.. :) u did more than u noe.. n i really appreciate that and i thank you so much for that.

wells. i, as usual, was freakin'ly tired aft taking the meds in the morning. sry if i was zoned, spazed, or sian-ed. i dont know how i'll cope in class tomorrow. 5hrs straight.. hai. nt to mention, zad is taking the last 3hrs. bleaghs. me is so dead.

esp since yixin was naughty today :( cos yixin ate stuffs she wasnt supposed to eat.. cant eat oily, fried, spicy stuff.. but had all 3 tdy. hai. yixin will pay the price for being so naughty and greey. im sure of tt. my tummy may rebel aftwards. hai. *pukish*

i think these few days the ppl on friendster must be really free. -.-" 128 views since 3/1/08? they must be really bored man! there's no other explanation.

maybe i shld feel better abt myself n nt keep putting myself dwn. have more self-confidence or sth. but wells. yixin has just had dinner and is very full n thinks she'll get very fat very soon :P
-i need a back rub-

must i really upset another person? i dont want to. bt if he doesnt get the hints, im afraid i have to. hai. yixin shld get an early rest n nt worry her head abt this. i gt better things to think abt. i.e. my schoolwork (which is so lagging behind).

terrible day

2008-03-03T19:59:00.004+08:00

firstly, it's a monday. secondly, it's the monday after recess week. urgh. well, and I still have to take my medicine. and i was literally tortured through the six full hours of lessons. cos i was so drowsy. esp kctan's class i was really losing it alr. i thought i'd have kinda adapted to the meds well enough to cope with it but no, that wasn't the case. my brain kept shutting down and rebooting itself at very regular intervals. plus, a side effect of the meds is having an upset stomach and i had to rush out of a class cos of that (not like i was really listening but i really was trying to pay attention and listen my brain just kept shutting down). and i felt really nauseous all day too. haiz.

and when i gt home, i took my meds (the before meal one) before gg to shower. n before i knew it, i was puking into the toilet bowl like there was no tomorrow. hai. i think i threw up the meds. :( i felt nauseous to the point of puking aft dinner too. lucky i havent taken the after meal pills yet.

went downstairs to get some water for the pills, and suddenly felt really nauseous, so i left the pills on the cupboard in the living room. daddy happened to walk pass and he was like: huh! these are the pills u have to take ar?!? 5pills everytime?!?! so much u have to take one time ar??! and i was like: yea! and rushing to the toilet just in time to lock the door and throw up in the toilet bowl. hai.

sorry, these few posts have all been about how horrible i'm feeling. :( it's been a lot of sad posts recently i guess. im sorry. hai. when i feel better, i'll blog more abt happier stuff. and i havent uploaded the pics of the taiwan friends and ah-bu either. and more pics of qianqian.

for now, im too tired. (i fell asleep at the dining table) yixin shld really get some rest tonight i guess.

im sry i had to make tt decision. i dont expect u to understand. i dont want to explain. you, being as eligible as you are, shldnt have probs moving on. it hurt wen u called me a b****. but. i will live with it to keep my sanity. i want to be myself.

yixin is going to rest soon.

thanks chrispy for the get well wish. :) i didnt expect it from u. :) thank you.. really. :) and to the most lurvely ba peeps who had to put up with my sian-ness tdy. sorry y'all.. i'll make it up to u guys one day? promise i'll be higher on wed! (hopefully cos theres a morning dose on wed. :( *crosses my fingers and prays that wed's going to be better*) i love u all!!!! *huggs!!!**muahhs!!!*

acz completion! (and random stuff)

2008-03-02T09:19:00.004+08:00

hahas. i have finally hit the word minimum for the acz assignment. BUT it's all crap and nth else. and i havent edited it yet. i'm still thinking whether i am going to edit it later.

yixin is so tired. yixin did not sleep at all last night. i mean, did not sleep at all. hai. was talking on the phone with Jy for a bit. then i cldnt get to sleep. so, it's the usual stuff. tossing, turning, tossing, and turning again, and tossing again... before i decided to get up and might as well start doing my acz assignment. how high is that?

got to about 800 words (inc. punctuation tt is) then i decided: only another 1000 words or so more. might as well leave it till tomorrow. so i tried to go to slp again. bt, didnt work either. left the computer on tho.. got up tried to connect to the internet (time and time again it failed. failed. failed) then i gave up on that too. n idk hw i tahan-ed till this morning. but around 7+ i juz went to shower. and i havent slept since.

so i havent slept since .. lemme see .. hmmm .. 8am yesterday morning perhaps? hai. yixin is tired. but yixin wont take the pills tdy cos idk if i can mix the pills. as in, idk if taking the pills now will have any effect/reaction to the antibiotics and stuff tt im taking.

so anyways, been reading the Merck Manual of Medical Information (selective topics. of course, my fav topics are : sleep disorders, digestive system :P) so, this bacteria in my stomach is called the helicobacter pylori bacteria. it's like a common bacteria tt gets in a lot of people's stomachs. some ppl dont develop any symptoms, others (like me) develop symptoms like nausea, sharp acute pain in the upper abdomen. so apparently my symptoms were quite strong tts y i had such strong meds. hai. got to do a "blow test" (no, not blowjob! u dirty minds out there. blow as in like the traffic police testing for alcohol levels kind of blow test) in apr. which = MORE MONEY TO BE SPENT. yixin is really sad. hai.

so in any case, tomorrow's full day lessons. hai. daddy n mommy keep asking me: u sure u monday can go sch or not? cos seriously, i will keep falling asleep or sth. cos i have to say, the meds really kick in a punch. hai. i do not want to think about monday's lessons. i'll have to go, i guess. cant really take MC for "drowsiness due to medication". right? hai. lets see how. my dearest dr. kenneth khoo is open at 830am so i might pop over just to see if i can get an MC. hahas. if i can, good. if i cant, i'll have to cab to sch or sth. lol. i dont think i'll do that lar. slackeroo style. (but hey! tts me!!! oh gawrsh ... *rolleyes*)

--> can't you tell? tt yixin's going crazy?

oh and anyways, things been getting complicated. hai. i really dont know what to do! i only have myself to blame for this sticky situation. im stuck. i dont wanna lose my friends. i dont wanna lose what i fought for. but, am i holding on only becos i fought for it? only becos i want to prove that i can outlast u? if tts d case, im letting go. cos there's no point in that.

random thoughts

2008-03-01T21:49:00.002+08:00

have been clocking a lot of hours on my handphone these days, with calls from Jy and JL. n my ear's kind of burning cos i only talk on one side (i have this very particular side preference thing going on). the last time i used so much phone i think was like ... never. ive never been a particularly phone person. maybe it's becos no one ever really calls me to just chit chat. or sth. or the other. idk what im talking about really. hai.

yixin doesnt really know what shes doing. hai. am trying to do my acz assignment.

i guess my body's starting to cope with the medicine cos these days it dont feel that bad. i still get really tired and drowsy but its not as bad as the first two days that i started on the meds. i hope i can get through monday and wed's lessons. hai.

yixin shld get more clothes i guess. esp attachment's gonna be for 5weeks! n maybe yixin shld start takin more pics. was looking through our family's album and guess what. yixin has almost no photos at all for memories (there were only 2 photos with me in it during my whole 6years of sec sch and jc). it's like .. some part of me is missing. especially in family photos. the entire family's there, n u arent. now that i think about it, now that i look at it, i really missed out a lot of memories somehow. so maybe i shld take this time to start taking pics i guess.

n i think i shld start to have higher self-esteem i guess. n better self-perception. ppl ard me are starting to make me feel like: hey, maybe i'm not as bad as i thought. maybe i can be a much better person. maybe i am a much better person than ive always thought, and than ive always been told (by certain members of The Family).

i still cant get a good and stable internet connection. hai.

i shld start getting motivated to do my assignments. i really should. but i really cant think of what to write for my acz assignment! halps!!!!!

today is SO NOT my day

2008-03-01T18:16:00.002+08:00

yixin is extremely extremely upset. i mean, extremely upset.

give me strength to cry. pls. give me the strength i need to cry.

memories..?

2008-03-01T03:02:00.003+08:00

he kinda reminds me of u. hw he listens and rmbs wat ive said in previous conversations. ya he does.

is it hw i think it is? yixin is confused. so confused. this thing is getting complicated. hw shall i handle this? but then again, is it how i think it is? i'm not sure of it myself.

im really confused. it's keeping me up at night. i keep tossing and turning and tho im so tired frm the meds, i just cant sleep.

i still rmb how fiercely stubborn i was back in sec sch. tt even on my migraine days (which was everyday) i still wouldnt take the meds tho the pain was so bad tt it hurt even to turn my head, the pain escalated whenever i made any single action.

and now, if i cant slp, i succumb to the temptations of the pills sometimes. i try not to take them, bt sometimes when i cant stop thinking abt some things, things that make me cry, things that make me cringe in pain every time i think about it, i once again succumb to the temptations. im nt as strong as i think i am i guess. maybe my strength just wore off over the years.

internet conkup

2008-02-29T23:07:00.002+08:00

have been unable to get stable internet connection for 3days alr. hai. might not be able to upload my pics.. if i cant, it'll have to wait till tomorrow or someday that i have the time n everything to upload it. hai.

still trying to get over the meds. im so whinny these days lol.

some things are nt working out for me. some things are making me confused n making everything all the more complicating. maybe, i dont yet know what i really want, or what im looking for.

maybe yixin shld go to slp soon. i feel the nausea coming back.

feeling horrible

2008-02-28T22:28:00.003+08:00

he sent a vid to me to test out the com. smhw i cried wen i saw it.

nth has ever been d same since 10.23.07. i know there isnt anyone (nt atm) who loves me as much as u do. i know nobody (atm) will treat me as much like a princess like u do, and wont take so much effort just for me. i do know that. i also know that now, no one can read my mind better than u or understand me better than u. maybe, even i myself dont understand myself as much as you do understand me. maybe.

the meds sux. super strong. i dont know if i can take it. for a whole week i'll have to suffer like this? and 3more weeks aft tt? crap happens. n i havent been able to muster enough strength to do my report. directions say:"discontinue use if skin rashes develop" i half hope that i will develop rashes so i dont have to take the meds anymore.

highlight(s) of yesterday (in chronological order):
1) saw allan wu jogging outside botanic gardens. topless. man is he H-O-T. hes got muscles, but not too much and lean too! the super just nice n great looking kind of muscles. he's got a freakin' good bod.
2) saw 2pairs of butterflies having sex. its prolly the mating season. i just wonder: how can they have sex when they're in flight? im puzzled.
pics tomorrow (bout ydae).

do not ever. EVER take me for granted.
everything i do i will do my best. dont take it for granted. dont ever accuse me of doing otherwise.

can anyone give me an elixir for happiness?

tiring day(s)

2008-02-27T22:46:00.003+08:00

these two days been real tiring. haiz. taiwan peeps came over to sg ydae afternoon so here's wat's been going on (a real short summary):

26/02/08:
met qx for lunch. met at the bus-stop in front of his house (since i needed to change bus over there anyways) and then bus-ed over to a coffeeshop near dunearn for lunch. :) oh the memories lol. can still rmb hw u cld almost nvr see a pair of white pants within the sea of blue pants and u'd almost nvr see a blue skirt within a sea of turqoise skirts lol. but yet, we always saw blue pants walkin together with turqoise skirts lol. (im sure this para will make a lot of people scratch their heads in bewilderment and confusion. but trust me, dunearn n swiss ppl shld noe wad i mean :) )

then met daddy and fg and taiwan friends (taiwan potter and wife and daughter) and ah-bu (jp friend) at bras basah. so we walked from bras basah to raffles hotel (artfolio gallery - they haf daddy's works there and daddy holds most of his solos there as well) and then to suntec cos they (tw friends) needed to buy slippers. :) then walked over to millennia tower (i think) to see some "modern sculptures" u noe, them being artists, this kind of trips (though it's supposed to be for leisure) almost always turns into an "art and culture" trip. it's like occupational hazard.

so aft that we walked over to marina square and then to The Esplanade. and then we walked over to Lau Pa Sat for dinner. ok, there is seriously no content here and it seems like we walked very little right? but it seemed like a long time lol. i mean, we walked almost non-stop from about 3.30pm to near on 8.30 pm! tts a long time for me lol. tho the net distance (a.k.a. work done in physics terms) is really not that long.

then aft i reached home (half dead - 3/4 asleep - i was nodding off on the cab and ah-bu so sweet! hahas. he kind of made a pillow out of his bag for me to slp cos he saw i was real tired. but i declined lar *of course* haiz.) i went out almost immediately (ok, 15mins later) to make a trip to cwp (woodlands for eastenders like emms) to meet M so he cld try out the com. (dont ask me abt it) n i reached hm at about 1130. haiz. yes. i was freakin' tired.

talked on the phone with J.L (no, not J. Lo - ok. bad joke - had to distinguish between this J and that J what!) for about half an hour. then went outside and talked to ah-bu for a bit (he was staying over at my place last night) so i think, i slept at about .. 2am? or later?

27/02/08 (today):
went out at about 9 to gh for my appt. ha! i was right. its nth lar. waste money. some kind of bacterial infection of my stomach and (i quote) "active chronic gastritis". bleaghs. and the doctor had to tell my mom that i cant eat those "reactive food" that will react to my "reactive gastric" e.g. (my favourites!) curry, spicy stuff, coffee, oily/fried stuff. how am i going to survive? haiz. plus, i spent about $441.84 just on medicine alone!! for today!!! haiz. thank gdness for CSC cards lol. bt i think this mth my salary wont have much alr lar. im so sad now. these two weeks, i'd have spent nearly 1.3K on medical bills lo. haiz.

anw, went to have lunch at my uncle's place!! muahahahhahahas. then went with them (the grp - very sian to type it out again - a.k.a. the taiwan ppl n dad n ah-bu n uncle eric) on a "culture exchange" or rather, "pottery exchange" trip.

(aft gg to my aunt's organic vegetable farm...) first up: the dragon kiln (one of the only two left in sg). yes the one near my sch -.-"

next up: jalan kayu - san mei kuang pottery - largest pottery materials supplier in sg.

then to pasir ris (i think. or was it tampines? aiya. somewhere out in the far east lar!) Ceramic House! the stuff there is super nice lo!!! hahahas.

and last stop: uncle eric's restaurant (searched the net: they have no website. but gt some reviews tho. can google "Chin Lee Restaurant" - bedok north, teochew restaurant) for dinner. the food, as usual, is good :) [yixin is too tired at this moment to talk more as you may have found out. super short short short summary]

and then stop over at bras basah (again) to get stuff (dad needed to collect stuff) and then to uncle's place. cos tdy's ah gong's death anniversary. haiz. so yes yixin is very very tired. esp aft taking the meds.

doctor specifically said this wk of meds will be very uncomfortable. n the med is very strong. haiz. didnt believe him. until i took the meds. then i suddenly "seh". really very very very tired aft taking the meds smhw. n stomach feels weird. haiz. maybe the med is really tt strong. dots. tdy, the doc prescribed 6 types of meds. now, i'll be a walking medicine bag. yixin is sad. yixin is tired. yixin is tired and sad. yixin dont like to take meds. :( this wk, ill be taking 6 pills every morning n evening. bleaghs. the 3 weeks aft tt will be better :) will only have to take about 6-8 pills everyday. :) but for now, yixin is sad :(

different?

2008-02-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

spoke to wm online just now (when i signed in onto my old msn account) and wad he said kind of stunned me. i mean, seriously, i never knew that changing a hairstyle/putting on a dress/changing wad i wear can mean so much difference! omg. (refer to my wordpress post on self-presentation too) i mean, i realised that people who dress up do look better. but i didnt know it can totally change the perception of a person by even people who alr noe him/her!

mebbe its time for me to wake up n get new clothes. hmmmm.

tired

2008-02-22T21:05:00.003+08:00

do not bother me about aaef stuff right now. do not do that. i am too tired both physically and emotionally. urgh.

n my gastric's bothering me. very badly. i will take the meds n go slp soon i think. bt i dont feel like sleeping now. haiz.. tired worx....

excursion today. wont blog about it much. cos its really nth much. dont get me wrong, its interesting and i enjoyed learning about the diff stuff tt i nvr knew abt. bt nw, im jz too tired. and i dont have any pics either lol. so ...... yes.

元宵节快乐！！！

2008-02-22T10:00:00.005+08:00

哦。。新的一年又过去了！嘻嘻。。该说，新年又过了。哎。。。时间过得好快哦！！！还没及时将它抓住，它就已经又再溜走了。。=( 元宵到了，就这样子，十五天的新年又过了。。。唔。。看来我的家庭还算挺传统的吧。。元宵节还一起吃晚饭哩。。

introducing the family..........

daddy!! (didnt take pics of sis, bro was working, mom was out)

lovebirds of the family: cousin and cousin-in-law :) *just married!*

my second aunt n uncle

the three cousins.. qs, py and ps

ps and zp!! :)

we went to The Rail Mall for dinner!!! (waha... only 5mins walk away!!). at long last, i finally went to Let's Clap! hahahahahahahahas. the food is not bad lar (except for the dessert omg wat an utterly disappointing dessert!)

chinese restaurant style éntree - peanuts and *ahem* green papayas

first dish:

ginseng chicken!! (i didnt try it for the simple fact that i dont like ginseng LOL)

second dish:

codfish! omg. the codfish is seriously good. seriously. it's a mean dish of codfish.

third dish:

蘑菇猪手 in other words, trotters. it's mean!!!!

fourth dish:

brocolli with scallops and prawn. the prawn is good lol. but i think the brocolli's a little overcooked. i like my brocollis with a crunch!

fifth dish:

deer meat! omg. i didnt dare try it. brrrrr. can u imagine the deer is so cute and bouncing ard the forest (think of disney pixar animations!!!) can u still eat it? can you? huh? huh? huh?

sixth dish:

tofu with 金针菇 and 帝王苗. the tofu was good.. as for the other two veg, i dont eat them :P

dessert:

yes. the horrible dessert. it's supposed to be yam paste with gingko nuts. can you even see the yam???? yes, it is as unappetising as it looks. no gingko nuts, no yam. yucks. horrible. i prefer uncle eric's yam paste. *drools at the thought of it*

seriously, was it that good? some of it, yes. but thinking about the yam paste, brrrrrrrs.

some other interesting pics tt i'll upload tomorrow! (or mebbe tonight it depends :))

元宵节

2008-02-21T22:05:00.003+08:00

happy 元宵节 everybody! :D

was gonna blog about the yuan xiao dinner we had. BUT i'm tired (and too full) and i've got my zad to do.

so yixin is *burp**yawns* gonna blog about my scope tdy n the yuan xiao thing tomorrow (if i can) :)

yixin thanks all my lurvely lurvely ba peeps!!! omg.. i'm so 感动.. *HUGGGS!!!!!!!**muahhs!!!* i love u guys!! :) u make me feel so loved. :)

i'm sorry

2008-02-20T23:16:00.004+08:00

boy:

forgive me for my selfishness. forgive me.

3) linlin's bdae!!

2008-02-19T02:04:00.004+08:00

today (officially it is alr!!!! :P) is linlin's bdae!!! weets! congrats on turning 21 babe :D

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hope u liked the present we bought for u :) n enjoyed the time together today :) shopping and eating :)

this is the dearest birthday girl, our friend 0_o" :P

mr chrispy loves her, and similarly, she adores him too! :) see hw cute they are together?

and very obviously, this unphotoshopped version has been kope-ded from princess linlin's blog! :) (i alr informed her on her blog hor!)

looky the ba lurvelies @ sushi tei (waiting for the food lol) and me n xueyi were on this side n cldnt be in the pic :(

she looks happy with the present...

don't you??????? *ahem**ahem* =P

the 3 of us, linlin, xueyi n me, stayed behind to shop shop shop shop! :D

and yes, do not doubt this, we were in the toilet :)

and after walking around for about 2hours, both of them got very very nice tops!!!! (but me didnt!!!) *sobs* but, *CHEERS!* i managed to save money like tt lol - not buying anything i mean =D

so we headed home (quite separately cos we're all taking different bus/transport home) at ard 7 (xueyi, im nt gg to mention tt lampshade =P) and while i was waiting in line for my 963.... i slid open my phone and *horror of horrors!* theres a missed call frm M!! so i called back and guess wad.. we then decided to meet... bt id have to wait for near on 3hrs! cos he'll only knock off at abt 9+.

so i went starbucks.. n bought my Mocha Frappucino (my usual Starbucks order)! n sat down. n... started to write. about nth just write. (in case u didnt know, i love writing. just writing. pen and paper writing. that does not apply to examinations =D) so i started to pen a letter to M.

then there was a little 插曲 in the middle but lets not go there. the end pdt? we did meet after all :) at about 915? 9? didnt look at the time. spent a couple of hours tgt, (and i saved some transport money) n hm i am again. bt its been a happy day :) nth but happiness tdy :) (and tiredness at this point in time too) *yawns!*

yixin is going to bed. soon.

i know i'm tired when .. I see media information on wmp and it reads "Peggy Lee" but i read it as "Piggy Lee" and i could still wonder why there was a singer named "piggy" -.-" gdnite folks.

2) qx house update

2008-02-19T01:03:00.009+08:00

im sry qx, if the pics are horrible. i was spazing out, am spazing out, is spazing out atm. yes.

when you walk all the way up the slope (that according to qx's timing n speed takes about 4min7secs), you will turn right n turn to your left and this is what you see - the first view of the famous qx house:

pretty right? :) me lurves contemporary :)

and then u'll walk further and turn left to prepare to go into the gates and see this:

see that tiny little bit right at the top? yes, tts mr. qx's floor. yes, do not doubt me, that is mr. qx's floor. no, he doesn't have one room to himself. he has a whole 5th storey to himself. the one with the beautiful balcony:

that opens into a very good view that you can hardly get in singapore these days:

it's a very open and unobstructed view. albeit the fact that view here refers to a wide range/spectrum of concrete structures. but hey, normally in sg u can seldom see more than 100m without ur vision being blocked by a whole concrete jungle. so, this is great. u can get freshest fresh air too!

and this privileged guy has his own bathroom (with a tub!):

and gets a (kind of) view (into the neighbour's house - sort of) from his bedroom (going to be):

and even in his (going to be) STUDY ROOM!:

*laments* the unobstructedness of staying in a taller-than-all-your-other-neighbours building!

and his wardrobe:

(me is jealous)

and because he's taking the entire 5th floor, he has his own "personal staircase":

where there is the most beautiful wallpaper! and he doesnt really see the beauty in it. oh my dots. what a perfect waste (sometimes)

ok. enough of irritating 大少爷s. moving on to the house again,

when you go into the gates, this is what you see first:

a huuuuuuge open space (that we can play bball or sth in :P)

and a biiiiiiiiiiiig parking space.

yes. it can park about 3 more of his car (n sry i didnt edit off the plate. mebbe when i'm free-er?)

and me lurves this portion (of the huuuuuuuge open space):

methinks that brick wall n bamboo is puuuuurfect. i love both. :) it's my kind of perfect.

and looky the master bedroom!!! (which is quite cluttered frm the moving)

the main "attractions" of the master bedroom? the jacuzzi tub:

the huge bathroom:

don't see how huge it is? well, its so big tt i cant take it in a single pic. put the above pic to the left side of the jacuzzi tub and photoshop it tgt. thats the bathroom (half of it)

and it looks like a hotel! (the classy type of course):

and again, pardon my phototaking (non-existent) skills for (yet another) horrible pic.

and the walk in wardrobe:

and of course, again, due to my short hands and proportionately short torso, i cant really take a far-off pic (and due to certain restrictions too) it doesnt look as attractive as it does in real life.

and there's a lot of greenery around the place too!! which i absolutely love!

(even in the loo)

at the most beautiful staircase

the 2nd floor garden (from the 3rd floor vantage)

same garden, different view. from another perspective :) it's peaceful - serene - somehows.

and my favourite:

the garden on the second floor!! oh my.. it's beeeeaaauuuutiful.

and looky the huge living area:

and i simply could not pass up a chance at taking a pic of this:

:P

i really love the second floor though:

looky the brilliant brick wall n bamboo!!!! purfect!

and the great furniture (i'm a very "nature" person. i love teak/wood/nature-themed furniture):

and of course, by specific specific (and repeated) reminders, this is the main piece of the whole set!

the sun-bathing chair. oh my. given me, i simply cant slather sunblock n taint this beautiful piece of art with anything even with a towel beneath me!!! it's too beautiful. too beautiful. (yixin is too tired to photoshop/edit anything. ps lar!)

ok, tts it for now. cos its abt done alr. except for the kitchen. i mean, i've yet to update abt the kitchen. but yixin has to move on. cos my stomach's drumming, n my eyes are closing...

1) zhang zhen yue concert day

2008-02-18T23:56:00.004+08:00

seriously speaking, i dont rmb much of the concert (now that it's already two days ago).

可以说，我是当天参与的旁观者，也能说我是当天旁观的参与者。嗯。。。怎么说呢？我参与了那场演唱会，我是一名观众，但是我是一旁观者的角度参与演唱会的。

因为，第一，我只是一个观众，并不是一个真正的“参与者”。一个“真正的参与者”必须一起编排节目，一起排练，一齐努力、一起用工、一起把整个流程从零打起。不管是幕前幕后，应该一起这样子的流过汗、流过泪、笑过、哭过、想放弃过、想放弃又一起再站起来过的——应该是要这样子一起“苦”过才能算个真正的参与者吧。第二，我是个旁观的观众。并没有真正的第一手参与那一场演唱会，也并没有真正的参与观众与演唱者的互动。

我可算是个标准的去观看戏院表演习惯了的新加坡观众吧。并不会因为有人在前面拿了个“站”牌意思观众都站起来把场面闹的较火热，就会真正的站起来一起炒热场面。也并不会因为有人叫我“把手举起来”我就会真的把手举起来。唔。。。也许会有一些人认为这样就不尊重演唱者，或没有真正参与一场流行音乐的演唱会，或不够“fun”，也有一点像在泼冷水。可是我觉得旁观参与者（其余的所谓“真正参与”的观众）也是种乐趣。看着观众随着演唱者和他所唱的歌曲的感情起起落落，看着他们站站坐坐，挥着双手，挥着手中的荧光棒，其实，也有其中的乐趣。挺好玩、挺有趣的。

（我自己乐在其中，够了吗？是真的这样就够了吗？有些时候，不仅该想到我自己的感受，也该想想别人的感受吧。可是，在这个情况下，每个人都自己在high自己的，也没什么顾其他人吧。所以，我既没伤害他人，也真的没有什么负面的意思，应该，这样子自己的乐在其中，就足够了吧。）

我也是个参与者。因为，我不止十分专心地听着演唱会，我的情绪、思绪也随着演唱者和他所选唱的歌曲一起起落。这种思想上的联系、感情上的认同，是一种参与。它也是一种参与。我借歌词、歌曲在那短短的数个小时内偷偷地溜进了创作者的感情精神世界，而演唱者则借了歌词、歌曲在那短短的几个小时中轻轻地将我们引入他的歌曲中的世界。这是一种交流，这是音乐的语言，音乐的交流。是精神性的。是思想性的。是音乐性的。：）这是属于我的参与。

that's my kind of interaction, my way of participation :)

and anw, met kw aft tt for .. idk. nth. just didnt feel like gg hm. so anw, went from esplanade to city hall to meet him. DOTS. the chingay just ended when we came out of the concert hall lar! so many ppl!!!!!! oh my dots. that aside, we walked frm city hall to PS for some Starbucks coffee (since we cldnt possibly squeeze onto the train - didnt have to try - just judge from the never-ending crowd going into the station)

and aft coffee (we were both gonna fall asleep if we didnt move) we started walking. where to? no idea. so we just walked ... and walked ... and walked ... and talked ... and walked ... all the way to the old NIE a.k.a. NUS Law School a.k.a. the real "forest school" - "Campus in the Botanic Gardens" before he finally gave up n we took cab. lolx. if it were me, i cld've walked till at least NJ i guess .. but i'd really have liked a lot to try to walk back home. it'll be a feat! an achievement! sth to show ppl how dumb i can get when i'm bored. -.-"

oh my dots. so, there's that day. thats what i did. :)

zhang zhen yue 不插电 concert!!!

2008-02-17T01:39:00.005+08:00

:D yixin has JUST reached home. literally, j-u-s-t just (ard 1.40am). cos my deardeardear cousin asked me to go zhang zhen yue's concert with them!! they got extra tix.. so yea :) i was gonna haf a boring saturday at hm bt since she asked me to go with them, of cos i said YES! hahahahahahas.

met kw a little bit before tt first. went to coffee club n had foooooood. hahahas. n tok cock as usual lar. and went to the CD shop! :)

finally bought mum's tony bannett lol.

and my beautiful beautiful bossa nova!!! :D

den met my cousins for dinner at Simply Peranakan Cuisine at The Esplanade :) [note: and my cousin said sth to the effect of: 哇！艺欣！第一次看你穿到这样温柔leh！(-.-")]

got very wen rou meh? and what she mean first time? dong~! (sry pic nt very clear samsung phone sux. esp the camera. sian. gonna trade it in for SE)
the food is not bad lar. :) but the main point is not this. the main point is *screams* 张震岳 [不插电] concert!! *screams* w00ts!

seriously, it was good. ha. hmm yes there were more slow songs tdy bt hes a funny guy :) n MC HotDog was there too. it was a 张震岳 and 热狗 concert but HD onli came out for two songs and those two songs were so freakin' high. n i liked how they had the 我爱台妹[斯文败类版] lol. the way they introduced it was just funny lar lol.

ok i dont really noe wad to blog abt it. actually, i wanted to blog a lot abt it but mebbe im jz tired cos i cant really rmb wad to blog about it. ( -.-")

n nw aft looking at the pics for mom's cd (i forgot to take pic first so i had to stop in the middle of posting to take pics n upload to my computer), i really forgot what i was gonna blog about for zhang zhen yue's concert. omg. haiz. maybe tomorrow then.

(yixin will start to be a camwhore soon)

another evidence of yixin's superbly horrible photo-taking skills and the poor resolution of samsung phones (tho they claim to be 2.0 mp) - and btw, it's just the angle. yixin shall go shower n prepare to go to bed.

hot news! NIU shooting with lightning speed updates

2008-02-15T23:49:00.005+08:00

looky the newest news in town. the hottest too. i cant imagine living somewhere where there can be up to 5 university shootings in a week.

when i opened my iGoogle just now, looky what i saw: 3522 related articles on the shootout in Northern Illinois University Cole Hall (a lecture hall) where the lesson was just about to end. 160 people were enrolled in that course, but no one is sure how many ppl were attending that lecture. (now i'm kind of glad that i have to take attendance at every lesson. at least ppl will noe)

and then i read this article:

and found many more being updated almost every hour from all over the world:

haiz. everybody's so concerned about this it seems. of cos, its a huge matter lar n i can understand all the hype. suddenly, obama seems to have to take a second seat with only 217 related articles.

n yixin has to go slp? yixin is glad she discovered adobe fireworks cs3. yixin is thinking about having sweeeet dreams.

back frm gh

2008-02-15T17:59:00.002+08:00

well i was kinda hoping tt d doc wld sae no need to do scope. unfortunately, i dont have such luck. bt d doc quite farnie lol. was checking my tummy halfway den he suddenly ask: when was ur last period? den i was all like: urm, last month. it's all regular n fine. then he was: oh ... (pause) ok! (speeds up) so that means its not pregnancy right? (...) in that kind of tone that is more a statement than a question! lol. it was funny at that particular point in time cos he's a freakingly tall guy (i estimate he's about 1.8+) n for him (n his serious face) to say sth like tt out of the blue is quite .. funny. :)

n idk why he said to do a blood test. so yea blood test. haiz. been having blood tests since pri sch leh. they not sian i sian ar! haiz. n nw my arm's feeling weird.

so anw, in order to leave tuesday free, i booked for thurs aft lo. so i cant eat on thurs morning. and ppl, if u hear my stomach growl on thurs morn, pls dont laugh. hehx. n i'll be soooo thirsty. haiz. dont wanna think about it. i shall drink super a lot of water on wednesday (if i rmb). :P

so anw, im sooo tired. bt i cant slp. cos there's sllim to hand in tomorrow. silly me thought it was due 5pm. but noooooooooo. it's due 1pm!!! *freaks out* i really dont know how to do this. haiz. ill try tho. and later the policeman will be coming my hse. haiz. lets hope he's a shuai ge :D yixin is gonna try to do sllim. (soon)

throwing in the towel

2008-02-15T10:11:00.002+08:00

yes i noe im weak. i just cant stand it anymore. i'm throwing in the towel. i'm not editing anymore or writing anymore. that's it. there goes my 50% but im not doing it anymore. whew~.

going GH for appt later so i wont be gg for zhong guo rong's class. hopefully he doesnt go thru anything super important. HAIZ. and tomorrow have to hand in sllim! n i totally do not know what she wants n what she expects. oh my.. ill try. see hw it goes at GH. haiz. yixin is stressed.

my stomach hurts.

a broken down cart!

2008-02-15T01:41:00.002+08:00

yes my progress with the report is like a broken down cart. sometimes it stalls or gets stuck. and at other times, it can't brake. and so, i have a case of the cow's head not fitting with the horse's mouth. and the more i write, the worse it gets. and my essay now does not fit my intro at all. oh man oh man oh man. i was still hoping to sleep by 4. meybe its not that possible.

happy belated valentine's everyone. :)

Paul Potts!!!!!!

2008-02-13T20:37:00.002+08:00

my new "idol"!!! ok, his voice is fantab. absolutely fantab.

me loves him nw lar... his cd is out!! "One Chance" and seriously, if he didnt go for "Britain's Got Talent" and take hold of his one chance, he wldnt have made it in the music industry. check out his official site: http://www.paulpottsuk.com/frontpage!!! :) his voice is power. u can check out his myspace here too: http://www.myspace.com/officialpaulpottsmusic!!! he's pretty good :)

am i quite dumb or wad?

2008-02-13T18:51:00.002+08:00

dots. i had mc for tdy. and i didnt use it. i cld've booked appointment for a school day bt i didnt. i booked for aft sch. omg. if it were last yr or wen i was in sec sch/jc, i prolly wld've faked mc even if i didnt have it, specially booked med appts for school days (esp long days) and used every mc i could (excluding days which i have band prac of cos :P). so yea.

i have booked my appt. thing is, gotta haf consultation with the blardie doc first. which means, more money to be paid. and also means tt i likely would not need to go for scope! wahas. cos d doc wld need to noe more abt the situation right? so i dont really think he'd recomment me to go for scope only after a first consultation. :)

(*dots* d ppl at SFMS are making a din again!!!!)

and yes. and blogger is doing weird stuffs to me again. sheesh. promised qx a more detailed post on the bbq. but nt tdy. cos a) i dont have pics still b) i dont haf d vid *which im nt sure im gonna post anyways* and c) i'm not in the mood tdy. (and prolly cos i was pretty upset tt day so im nt sure tt ill rmb much stuffs). whats infuriating? this blardie guy got the level tt i love!!! *sobs* the balcony! oh the beautiful balcony (with an almost totally unobstructed 360degree view!!!!!).......... yes ms. hu is sad. :( but only for a little while. cos ms hu lurves her own hse too! :)

im so tired. d med makes me drowsy. gdness. dont think i can do my stuffs tonight. haiz. imma try. den imma try to slp too.

doc says.....

2008-02-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

have just been to the doc's again. last diagnosis (last week) he said it's gastritis and (i quote):"if it doesn't get better after this round of medication we might have to send u to hospital for a scope".
scope i.e. endoscope. haiz. n mom n dad's scaring me in different ways tho.

mom's been scaring me about hw they're gonna put a tube with a bulb at the end to see the insides of ur digestive tract n hw uncomfortable it's gonna be (cos u gotta kinda like swallow the whole thing). i mean, of course its not gonna be a large bulb n everything like that. but.. its a scary thought - kinda. i dont like foreign stuff in my throat.

n dad's been scaring me abt hw his bro got diagnosed with gastric cancer at the age of 27 (he passed away by 33 - i wasn't even born yet). i mean, im not so suay lar. but knowing that uve got such a strong family history (all my relatives who have passed - both maternal n paternal - have all died frm cancer. mainly colon n stomach cancer. haiz.) its scary. i think. n seriously, i dont eat very healthily. if im honest with myself, id say my diet sux.

not to mention im pretty broke. if i go for the scope, i wouldnt haf money to buy stuff. they're not for me tho. dont keep thinking i spend so much on myself wors! actually, i scrimp quite a lot these days.

plus i dont like gg hospital. went hospital so much wen grandma was there. esp grandma went SGH gastro dept too! omg. blk5. haiz. she was always at gastro, onco, and uro. haiz.

and i dont think there's anything seriously wrong with me lar. maybe just too big-sized onli. tts it. i think. haiz. dont really wanna think about it. i just dont feel like going for the scope. migraine's prolly coming back. maybe i shld get some slp n forget about my assignments (2reports due this week and i so have not started) n forget abt everything. haiz. HAIZ.

my dear stomach, can you please stop throwing ur tantrums and stop refluxing so i can get a night's slp? its horrible to have to wake up in the middle of the night even with stilnox.

actually, im having a pretty negative week arent i? haiz.

qx's housewarming bbq

2008-02-11T21:12:00.000+08:00

this is a late update on qx's housewarming bbq.

we went to his new hse for the bbq! its pretty "exciting" met alot of ppl. ok, he invited approx 15 friends, n i only knew one of them. so inc qx, i only knew 2ppl there. haiz. i wasnt in the mood n i was contemplating whether to go cos i was quite emotionally unstable (n ive been proven tt i shldnt really have gone. ok, i should've been in more control of my emotions).

sry i dont haf any pics.

but his house is "5storeys" high (the tallest building in tt area) with a carpark tt can park at least 2cars in the shade. and it has 2 (or was it 3) patches of gardens. and a huge kitchen tt my mom will personally lurve. theres a wonderful wonderful balcony on the top floor n can see all the way to yew tee (northwards) and near bukit timah (to the side). it's a windy place, so heat is no problem.

when we went, it was partially unfurnitured so its kind of spacious. but i wldnt know if it'll be the same when all the furniture gets in. and the master bedroom has a huge toilet (with jacuzzi tub!!!) if u think the toilet i have is big, that toilet is easily twice/thrice that size. and i think there's a walk-in wardrobe somewhere around.

and the dog. omg the dog. he's just beautiful. he's absolutely gorgeous. cant take my eyes off the dog. haiz. i am, in all honesty, a dog and cat lover.

but tho it was fun (we played poker games thanks to hamidi who brought the cards *i think*) n it was nice meeting other ppl, i was seriously in a totally anti-social mood ydae n i think i carried myself quite badly becos of that. *haiz* there's my flaw coming through loud and clear. but i joined in the games n laughed with them. tho there was two periods of time i lost myself in my thoughts staring out into the open sky n everything just came pouring in and all my tears went pouring out. which was exactly the reason why i didnt wanna go in the first place. haiz. i feel so sorry to qx cos of tt. n i might haf scared his friends too.

thanks hamidi for being there to listen to me. im sry i cant do much for u. cos idk wads gg on. but i wont probe. i will be here if u ever need a listening ear. u noe that right? just like u will listen to me wen i had probs. btw, all the best of luck for ur date (u n shukri's!) im sure u two will get attached soon :)

n qx, hope u cleared it up with ur ex she noes who u like doesnt she? :) n i wish u all the best too! for u n her. have faith. he told me:"u cant have faith if u haf fear". so dont fear, have faith, and do ur best. :) i noe u'll do well lar.

yes you were right in saying that i cant have faith if i have fear. but i dont have faith now cos i'm so fearful. that this is going to be it. whenever i feared, i always reminded myself of wad u said n i put it all away and held on to the faith with all i had. i want to feel that sense of conviction again. tho i know u haf lots of female friends/gan meis, i had faith n conviction. i want to cont being like that. i want to know for sure that this is not going to be it just like that.

reflections..

2008-02-11T20:34:00.000+08:00

yixin was stupid. but yixin won't be stupid for long (like you said, a person who knows (s)he is stupid will not stay stupid for long). cos yixin is only human and she'll make mistakes. but being human, she'll also reflect upon and learn from her mistakes. i believe the first step to learning and changing for the better is to honestly recognise that there is a genuine need for change and that there are flaws that need to be gotten rid of. i have taken the first step. i know i have to change. and i'm being honest about it. i realise that there are serious personality flaws that i possess and i'm taking the first step to changing. no escaping anymore. no more excuses.

flaw #1:
i'm too competitive in certain aspects. of course, i can quote different medical journals which show statistics and research about how the middle child is always more competitive to "gain attention" or to "prove themselves" in the family since it's normally the first and last child which gets most attention. but i won't. i won't cos this is a personality thing. i may be nurtured like that, i may have instinctively grown up that way. but now that i realise this, i should start changing. from within myself.

flaw #2:
i'm too emotional sometimes. and i could also quote horoscopes or other journals that will show why are some people born more emotional than others, i could also blame it on the biology of female human species, but still, i won't. 'cos i realise that i have this problem. and by realising this, i can take the first step towards changing. and if i wanna change, i won't use any excuses. and so i wont do it. quote stuff to try to rationalise this problem, that is.

flaw #3:
i assume too much and jump to conclusions too quick. i assume too much and i often think i'm right. therefore i'll be more likely to come across as arrogant or stuffs when talking to some people. and also i'll be more likely to make illogical or unreasonable conclusions. and obviously, i'll make enemies n be a total turn-off. i'll change this for sure. cos its nt good n its definitely a very horrible trait. esp. if i'm gonna be in the occupation tt i'll be in in two years' time.

flaw #4:
im too stubborn for my own good. if there's gonna be a use of euphemisms, i could always say that i stand fast to my own principles (which sounds better) but tts not always true. sometimes im just stubborn. s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n. bull-headed too. like above, i'll be more likely to insist on totally irrelevant n illogical n unnecessary stuffs n will drive ppl nuts by that. i guess its horrible to do that. correction: it is horrible to do that. haiz.

flaw #5:
i think i have really low EQ (like wad kctan was talking abt in class tdy) i mean, i dont think im as bad as certain ppl but yet, i do tend to say/do wrong things at the wrong time. n sometimes even aft thinking very carefully thru wad i wanna say, it still comes out wrong. haiz. it pisses people off n it makes room for a lot of misunderstandings. i dont like misunderstandings. i dont know what to say to make ppl happy. or to make ppl feel better. haiz.

i think these are the five most serious problems i have now. it makes me a horrible friend. i know. but i'll change. n it'll be wonderful if there are ppl ard me to help me along. bt i wanna be a better person. i really do. haiz. it's time to stop making excuses for being a horrible friend. yixin will do better. "the only way to go when u're down is up"

when i'm attached, there will be no person (with the exception of my family and friends) who will mean more to me than my boyfriend.

i know i'm not a wonderful or perfect friend / girlfriend. but each step of the way, i learn. n i think my friends will know that no matter who asks, i will do everything in my power to help. i may not be the best friend/girlfriend around, i may not be a perfect friend/girlfriend, but i give my all. and maybe my all just isn't enough and maybe it just isn't good enough. but i'm true. and i will learn - from the mistakes, the conflicts. haiz.

i have been actively controlling my temper for years now. n i think it's working cos i dont flare up that much/easily now. i need to channel this determination, this active energy into keepin my emotions in rein, and into really thinking before i speak. sometimes i say stuff just for the sake of saying stuff n i dont think about the consequences and it's just so meaningless. i dont wanna say meaningless stuff anymore. n sometimes the consequences are just too much for me to bear. i dont wanna do this anymore. imma take control n really think through stuff before i speak/write/talk/express any opinion.

dear all, please bear with me during this transitory period, this learning period. im trying to be a better person n a better friend.

2008-02-10T10:24:00.001+08:00

i was stupid. bt i'll learn.

muh new lurve... :)

2008-02-08T14:11:00.001+08:00

I have recently fallen in love with this.. :)

* iGoogle (thanks to lin's blog post) hehx.
decided to try it out aft i read lin's blog :) and seriously, it's pretty cool!!!!!! :D hahahahas. yes me lurves iGoogle :)

what i love about it the most? its customisation capabilities!! looky my search bars :)

and my fav gadgets (tools)?

- Quotes of the Day

- Puzzles and Riddles

- Google Reader

and of course, i can access my gmail instantly at just a click!

:) isn't it just great??? :)

and iGoogle is really organised. I get to add tabs of my interest like so:

and you can choose ur own theme!!!

PLUS! I get to add other stuff that i want on my main iGoogle page!!

and if the gadgets are not enough, i can create my own!!

isn't iGoogle just amazingly cool ??? :)

me lurves iGoogle :)

CNY!!!

2008-02-07T22:12:00.000+08:00

yup today's the first day of chinese new year!!! yup. it's the one festival i have the most deep love-hate relationship with. reason i love it: there's a lot of food. and i mean, good food. reason why i hate it: there's a lot of food. and i mean, good food. that equals fat. lol. for me lar! cos cny goodies are .. cny goodies! and i dont really eat tt much cookies/stuffs during d rest of the year. so it's really like an eating spree. especially when i'm over at my 2nd paternal aunt's place. my gdness. tt place is filled with good food!!!! hehx.

look at the spread!!!!!!!!!

:) *was jz talking to yvonne on msn. omg. i nvr knew tt they cared.. i feel guilty.. haiz. i feel so loved!!!!!!!!!!!* :) thanks girl.. :) *muahhs!!* no worries, im fine :)

yixin is tired. oh my. and theres nth much to update actually.. :) just a lot of random thoughts tt always follow a festive which requires celebration with my family :) maybe tomorrow *if i still rmb that is*

in any case, to everyone out there.. HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!!!

*for the new year, i wish that everyone is happy, healthy and will be able to achieve their goals and endeavours. :) i wish everyone health and happiness!!*

CNY is coming~

2008-02-05T14:53:00.000+08:00

yes CNY is coming. it's easy to know when..

1) you hear ppl saying : lets go chinatown and
2) you hear ppl saying: "harh?!?! go chinatown ar??!??! 人挤人挤死人！"
3) you start hearing ppl complain about the dust bunnies at home (as well as the junk!)

4) you see the pile of stuff outside salvation army piling up!
5) you hear your parents talking about going to the nursery - and you know that means more flowers in ur house!!!

a car full of orchids after dropping by the orchid nursery!!!!

and before you know it, ur hse becomes a forest (which is wat my hse is becoming):

6) you start feeling hungry and immediately grab for the containers filled with kueh bangkit and peanut / almond cookies

yummy kueh bangkit!! *slurps*

yummy!!!!! *droools*

*note: if the above is not available, you reach for the love letters. no, it has nth environmentally unfriendly about it*
:)

7) you start seeing piles of mandarin oranges in ur hse:
yes. literally piles of oranges.

8) you start to see TV programs talking about the horoscopes for the new year:

"Your Horoscope
RABBIT
Daily Chinese: February 05, 2008

The Chinese New Year starting the 7th is likely to be a less fortunate year than the past one. Try finishing as many critical projects at work as you can before then. You might want to accept any invitations to socialize, which will make for an enjoyable time. You may want to attend a cultural event."

9) you hear ppl talking about "eh! CNY eve! 通宵 ar!!" and you immediately know that they're talking about mahjong:

(and want to join in too!!!)

10) the prices at every single store shoots up. haiz.

yes. CNY is an expensive festival. but even more so for the married!!! :) which probably is the exact reason why so many ppl prefer to spend even more money and go overseas for the lunar new year. wells. u noe, personal choice :) for me, i prefer spending my CNY eve at my aunt's wasting the night away with mj after reunion dinner! :) since we have to 守夜 anyways.

hehx. and well, i really dont mind spending my time there cos all my paternal cousins are coooooool and funny LOL. and, its actually only the first night of CNY when we're over at my maternal grandma's for reunion dinner tt im hesitant abt. haiz. same fiasco all over again. man!

but its ok. :) i'll show face to my grandma and go n put up with irritating aunts and cousins. for a while. its only cos of my grandma tt im gg. oh my stars. shes the last grandparent i have now n man am i gg to cherish her even tho sometimes she still says weird stuffs. i didnt have time to cherish my most beloved ah mah and maternal grandpa. nw i have to time to cherish her and i will :)

tomorrow's CNY eve.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS!!!!!

first post!

2008-02-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

first post on a new "page" so as to say hahahahas. actually, i'm quite used to wordpress. haiz. i hope this time blogger doesnt screw up on me. cos tt was a main reason why i moved over to wordpress. cos blogger kept screwing up. haiz. anyhows, if u're wondering,

A shtick (Yiddish: שטיק) (or schtick) is a comic theme or gimmick. references Wikipedia :) (i kinda liked the little yellow faces on wordpress. it looked cute :( i miss those little yellow faces already!)

:) and no, there is no comic theme or gimmick here it just sounded cool. hahas. or wld u like "simpatico" better? :)

stop avoiding me lar. seriously. i alr gave up on ever getting my money back. haiz. idk what u're thinking.

yixin is *yawns* and i miss the tagging system of wordpress. more organised somehow. and my categories were all "a click away".

ohhhh yes. was talking to khiachen online jz nw lol. if u're wondering, khiachen and khiayi are brothers, and they are seriously my best students. was, actually. had to give them up haiz.. i mean, tutoring lar! hahas n khiachen so funny lar he thought my cousin was my baby! oh my stars. hahas. tt kid has given me laughter for the night :) *yawns*