reflections..

yixin was stupid. but yixin won't be stupid for long (like you said, a person who knows (s)he is stupid will not stay stupid for long). cos yixin is only human and she'll make mistakes. but being human, she'll also reflect upon and learn from her mistakes. i believe the first step to learning and changing for the better is to honestly recognise that there is a genuine need for change and that there are flaws that need to be gotten rid of. i have taken the first step. i know i have to change. and i'm being honest about it. i realise that there are serious personality flaws that i possess and i'm taking the first step to changing. no escaping anymore. no more excuses.

flaw #1:
i'm too competitive in certain aspects. of course, i can quote different medical journals which show statistics and research about how the middle child is always more competitive to "gain attention" or to "prove themselves" in the family since it's normally the first and last child which gets most attention. but i won't. i won't cos this is a personality thing. i may be nurtured like that, i may have instinctively grown up that way. but now that i realise this, i should start changing. from within myself.

flaw #2:
i'm too emotional sometimes. and i could also quote horoscopes or other journals that will show why are some people born more emotional than others, i could also blame it on the biology of female human species, but still, i won't. 'cos i realise that i have this problem. and by realising this, i can take the first step towards changing. and if i wanna change, i won't use any excuses. and so i wont do it. quote stuff to try to rationalise this problem, that is.

flaw #3:
i assume too much and jump to conclusions too quick. i assume too much and i often think i'm right. therefore i'll be more likely to come across as arrogant or stuffs when talking to some people. and also i'll be more likely to make illogical or unreasonable conclusions. and obviously, i'll make enemies n be a total turn-off. i'll change this for sure. cos its nt good n its definitely a very horrible trait. esp. if i'm gonna be in the occupation tt i'll be in in two years' time.

flaw #4:
im too stubborn for my own good. if there's gonna be a use of euphemisms, i could always say that i stand fast to my own principles (which sounds better) but tts not always true. sometimes im just stubborn. s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n. bull-headed too. like above, i'll be more likely to insist on totally irrelevant n illogical n unnecessary stuffs n will drive ppl nuts by that. i guess its horrible to do that. correction: it is horrible to do that. haiz.

flaw #5:
i think i have really low EQ (like wad kctan was talking abt in class tdy) i mean, i dont think im as bad as certain ppl but yet, i do tend to say/do wrong things at the wrong time. n sometimes even aft thinking very carefully thru wad i wanna say, it still comes out wrong. haiz. it pisses people off n it makes room for a lot of misunderstandings. i dont like misunderstandings. i dont know what to say to make ppl happy. or to make ppl feel better. haiz.

i think these are the five most serious problems i have now. it makes me a horrible friend. i know. but i'll change. n it'll be wonderful if there are ppl ard me to help me along. bt i wanna be a better person. i really do. haiz. it's time to stop making excuses for being a horrible friend. yixin will do better. "the only way to go when u're down is up"


when i'm attached, there will be no person (with the exception of my family and friends) who will mean more to me than my boyfriend.

i know i'm not a wonderful or perfect friend / girlfriend. but each step of the way, i learn. n i think my friends will know that no matter who asks, i will do everything in my power to help. i may not be the best friend/girlfriend around, i may not be a perfect friend/girlfriend, but i give my all. and maybe my all just isn't enough and maybe it just isn't good enough. but i'm true. and i will learn - from the mistakes, the conflicts. haiz.

i have been actively controlling my temper for years now. n i think it's working cos i dont flare up that much/easily now. i need to channel this determination, this active energy into keepin my emotions in rein, and into really thinking before i speak. sometimes i say stuff just for the sake of saying stuff n i dont think about the consequences and it's just so meaningless. i dont wanna say meaningless stuff anymore. n sometimes the consequences are just too much for me to bear. i dont wanna do this anymore. imma take control n really think through stuff before i speak/write/talk/express any opinion.

dear all, please bear with me during this transitory period, this learning period. im trying to be a better person n a better friend.