if u guys wanna look for more of my updates, i'll be here:
http://xiner-at-doodledots.blogspot.com/
its nth-to-do-ness. im bored. so i changed :S i guess. it's my old blog, onli on a diff add.
at Changi Airport T3 nw. was gonna study. so ... hai. was jz talking to M. yes i noe im selfish. im sry im so selfish. ive said this to kw, n i said this to u and ill stand by my decision. i need to noe who i am. wad i want. who i wanna be. i need to know who i am to be able to know who i wanna be, and to know what i want. out of life, out of my relationships.
i can't expect anyone to love me if even i can't see in myself who i am and what's in me for ppl to love. i cant expect anyone to love me if i dont love myself. at this point in time, my confidence and esteem in myself is so low that i have absolutely no idea who i truly am. everything that's happened in my life is haunting me now. and the one that haunts me the most if, of course, wat happened in sec sch. the one single event has broken me down so much. i had no clear idea until now. when i really need to know what's going on and what i am. ive been thinking about all these stuffs. i noe i'll never be the same. and this point of my life will probably be the one that truly defines my (near) future. until the nxt time i need to organise myself and my life.
i dont think im worthy of anyone's love at this point in time. i urge you, don't love me now. for im selfish. i'm only thinking about "me" now. im not worthy yet. it's been one and a half mths, M (tho i know you won't be reading this) i nvr expected tt u'll still be thinking abt me or still be loving me. everything u've said led me to think otherwise. im sry im selfish. i know i am. guess im jz a self-centred selfish freak. only now do i realise, you loved me in your own way. a way that i didn't see how. a way that i nvr realised that you did. but, dont love me now. i dont understand, why i cant show u concern as a friend. im sry i had to hurt u becos of my own selfishness. i realise, too, that no matter how many "sorry"s i say, it wouldnt help things, it wldnt ease aniting, n everything's jz gonna be the same. but i still have to say it.
often in a melancholic mood these days. thinking about stuffs. stuffs tt i shldnt be thinking about now. i shld be thinking about my studies. but im nt. n tt sux. if only guarantees tt my GPA will be even lower than ever. hai. i need to get my head into my books. i need to get buried in my books. i really need to. and i swear i will start tonight. no more procrastinating now. i shld concentrate on my books.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
just for laughs
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exam fever
two exams coming up, and a whole lot of forum stuff to handle. and somehow, my sister can always manage to piss me off. never fails.
just watched The Secret yesterday. yes, i know im freaking late. but at least i watched it. hai. im jealous -kinda- hehx. why "kinda"? cos i know i don't practise. bleaghs. maybe if i practised i will be closer to that standard. i may not ever reach there, but at least i'll be closer? *hopefully*
-renewed inspiration to start practising and working towards my diplomas- but as usual, i kind of know that this inspiration will only last until i start getting busy again. hai. so yixin's piano is kind of decided - 1st, to go for teaching dip (i think) then i will go for my performance dips. hai. hopefully it will work out that way.
i have not started studying for my exams. tt sux. i have to start. soon. soon enough. (i hope). you know, i really have to stop all this undermining my own comments kind of stuff. *bleaghs*
things always happen. they will always happen. whether there's a reason behind it, i guess i'll never know. but i'll still try to keep my head held up high and take everything as it comes.
just watched The Secret yesterday. yes, i know im freaking late. but at least i watched it. hai. im jealous -kinda- hehx. why "kinda"? cos i know i don't practise. bleaghs. maybe if i practised i will be closer to that standard. i may not ever reach there, but at least i'll be closer? *hopefully*
-renewed inspiration to start practising and working towards my diplomas- but as usual, i kind of know that this inspiration will only last until i start getting busy again. hai. so yixin's piano is kind of decided - 1st, to go for teaching dip (i think) then i will go for my performance dips. hai. hopefully it will work out that way.
i have not started studying for my exams. tt sux. i have to start. soon. soon enough. (i hope). you know, i really have to stop all this undermining my own comments kind of stuff. *bleaghs*
things always happen. they will always happen. whether there's a reason behind it, i guess i'll never know. but i'll still try to keep my head held up high and take everything as it comes.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
被践踏的花儿
被践踏的花儿..何时才能够抬起头来?
失去了光彩亮丽的自己,失去了信心,失去了自我,失去了..一切.是社会封闭了他吗?不是的，真的不是的。因为社会并不知道它发生了什么事。是他对社会失去了信心，他不相信，他不敢相信，社会能够宽容他这支渺小得可怜、失去了自我、而且被惨惨地践踏得一无所值的小花儿。所以。。它选择封闭他自己。封闭了自己的一切，一切。
小花儿，毕竟只是一棵渺小的小花儿。
在其他花儿的面前，被践踏过的它，能够抬起头来吗？能够做回完完整整的自己吗？能够和以前一样无忧无虑吗？被践踏过的它。。。。能够容忍自己的脏、自己的丑吗？身上还有着一股浓浓的脏味儿，怎么洗都洗不掉。。。不管怎么刷。。。身上总带有一层层的脏。脸上，总是一层厚厚的脸谱，小花儿。。。从来不敢露出自己的脸蛋。左看右看，怎么看都觉得该毁容的。它应该被毁容才是的。因为，它的容颜。。。哎。。它不仅不再是自己，而且。。已被践踏的它，对社会的不信任，已经完完全全的选择自我封闭的那条不归路。。
小花儿朵希望自己是清清白白的啊。。多希望这一切的一切都没发生过，多希望自己能够像其他的花儿一样，一朵朵的绽放出自己最耀眼的光芒，把最绚丽的一切带给大家，让地球变得更美丽。。但是小花儿，小花儿它。。它只能萎缩在自己的一个小角落，才能够避免丑化这亮丽的社会，这美丽的花院。静静的躲在一旁，看着其他的同伴亮出自己的光鲜，暗暗地为他们高兴。。唯有这样，小花儿才不会污染了花园中的一切美好。。
好悲观的一朱可怜的小花儿。。被践踏过的它，能够站起来吗？能够像以前一样的，重新地站起来吗？好希望它能够。。。跌倒后又爬起的花儿，应该更能够绽放出生命的一切光彩，因为磨过的铁，毕竟会比较亮。。 。。不是吗？小花儿，经过了别人的细心灌溉，应该。。。应该会更亮丽吧。。。我耐心的、虔诚地祈祷着。。祈祷着小花儿的伯乐能够快快到来，给他信心，给他关怀。。给他再次的相信自己。。。
失去了光彩亮丽的自己,失去了信心,失去了自我,失去了..一切.是社会封闭了他吗?不是的，真的不是的。因为社会并不知道它发生了什么事。是他对社会失去了信心，他不相信，他不敢相信，社会能够宽容他这支渺小得可怜、失去了自我、而且被惨惨地践踏得一无所值的小花儿。所以。。它选择封闭他自己。封闭了自己的一切，一切。
小花儿，毕竟只是一棵渺小的小花儿。
在其他花儿的面前，被践踏过的它，能够抬起头来吗？能够做回完完整整的自己吗？能够和以前一样无忧无虑吗？被践踏过的它。。。。能够容忍自己的脏、自己的丑吗？身上还有着一股浓浓的脏味儿，怎么洗都洗不掉。。。不管怎么刷。。。身上总带有一层层的脏。脸上，总是一层厚厚的脸谱，小花儿。。。从来不敢露出自己的脸蛋。左看右看，怎么看都觉得该毁容的。它应该被毁容才是的。因为，它的容颜。。。哎。。它不仅不再是自己，而且。。已被践踏的它，对社会的不信任，已经完完全全的选择自我封闭的那条不归路。。
小花儿朵希望自己是清清白白的啊。。多希望这一切的一切都没发生过，多希望自己能够像其他的花儿一样，一朵朵的绽放出自己最耀眼的光芒，把最绚丽的一切带给大家，让地球变得更美丽。。但是小花儿，小花儿它。。它只能萎缩在自己的一个小角落，才能够避免丑化这亮丽的社会，这美丽的花院。静静的躲在一旁，看着其他的同伴亮出自己的光鲜，暗暗地为他们高兴。。唯有这样，小花儿才不会污染了花园中的一切美好。。
好悲观的一朱可怜的小花儿。。被践踏过的它，能够站起来吗？能够像以前一样的，重新地站起来吗？好希望它能够。。。跌倒后又爬起的花儿，应该更能够绽放出生命的一切光彩，因为磨过的铁，毕竟会比较亮。。 。。不是吗？小花儿，经过了别人的细心灌溉，应该。。。应该会更亮丽吧。。。我耐心的、虔诚地祈祷着。。祈祷着小花儿的伯乐能够快快到来，给他信心，给他关怀。。给他再次的相信自己。。。
Friday, April 4, 2008
had a "busy" day
yesterday was a "busy" day. first: school (b-o-r-i-n-g) and the teacher just wouldnt stop talking!!! *tears hair out in frustration* then met kw for lunch at jp! hmm lemme think wad we had.. long john's probably :S running out of serious food options. *dots* then went over to town to try to do my assignment (which, as of yesterday afternoon, only had one sentence "在这份报告中我将。" yup. tt was the only sentence. settled on the very ulu-ated 星巴克 at 新达城.
we had this (stupid) bet just cos of this (idiotic) person who happened to (unluckily) pass by us on the street near Bugis and i had to speak in a squeaky-over-inhaled-helium-freak voice for half an hour :S. it was weird getting my voice back down to pitch aft tt actually :S i suddenly sounded so .. "man". *brrrs**shudders*
so anyways, in the meantime (which is most of the time) when i'm not thinking about the assignment at hand, looky what i was doing:
trying to be funny and act cute. i seriously always manage to gross myself out. always. no exceptions there.
bt anw, i managed to draft out my introduction and survey stuff (about 1K words) at Starbucks in the 3hrs tt i was there. until we had to walk over to North Bridge Commercial Complex to pick ahbu up from school :S
and guess what. yes. it was raining like there is no tomorrow. bleaghs. (bt of course, tdy proved tt there was a tml -.-") super heavy rain. so anyhows, urm i had to cross this road in the rain in my very slippery shoes that will always manage to slip off my foot when it's wet. so that was what happened. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. yes i was crossing the traffic light. :S so i ran back, picked my shoe up (it was the left shoe), took off my other shoe, and ran barefoot across the road. in the heavy rain. with a few people staring at me like i was an alien. :S what a horribly embarrassing moment.
anw, went to Asian Kitchen for dinner. the food is pretty ok, but the service seriously SUCKS. to the core. i condemn this place la. freak. shall nt bother myself abt irritating ppl.
then went to the Esplanade for Quek Kiat Sing's exhibition opening ("Within Four Rooms", Jendela (Visual Arts Space by Cristal Caritus Trust, Level 2, Esplanade Mall, 4Apr-18May. Free Admission!)! :) pretty cool exhibition :) and the food was not bad :S haha and i think the personnel at the door very nearly didnt let ahbu n kw n me into the exhibition space cos we were like, super out of place in our t-shirts and shorts/denim skirt and slippers LOL. luckily all i had to say was "we're friends of the artist" (and didn't even have to produce the invitation even though it was clearly stated "by invitation only") and kiat sing auntie (as i call her) was right there near the door. so, automatically we went up to her and congratulated her on her solo exhibition opening :) and of course, informed her tt dad was on the way so we could "float" to other places and see the exhibition (and get some drinks) :P aint i jz a piggy li'l pig? lol.
so yea. tt was tt for yesterday. im sure i missed out a lot of funny details. but yea. i cant really rmb all of it nw. anyhows, tdy...... hai. a sama sama day, nth special, just the usual stuff. and my msn's still screwing up on me. :s keeps dc-ing for no reason! urgh.
happy 清明节 everyone. (dont you just love wiki sometimes? they even have info on qingmingjie!) so, because it's qingmingjie, and because our family's pretty traditional, me had a very very very very VERY filling dinner which means i'm seriously bloated right now. boos. so much for wanting to jian fei. brrs. i should get that t-shirt which reads "diet starts ... tomorrow" :S
i shall slack for today! and read my 天魔！！！ muahahahahaha. and studies shall come ... tomorrow. :D
“清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。”
we had this (stupid) bet just cos of this (idiotic) person who happened to (unluckily) pass by us on the street near Bugis and i had to speak in a squeaky-over-inhaled-helium-freak voice for half an hour :S. it was weird getting my voice back down to pitch aft tt actually :S i suddenly sounded so .. "man". *brrrs**shudders*
so anyways, in the meantime (which is most of the time) when i'm not thinking about the assignment at hand, looky what i was doing:
trying to be funny and act cute. i seriously always manage to gross myself out. always. no exceptions there.
bt anw, i managed to draft out my introduction and survey stuff (about 1K words) at Starbucks in the 3hrs tt i was there. until we had to walk over to North Bridge Commercial Complex to pick ahbu up from school :S
and guess what. yes. it was raining like there is no tomorrow. bleaghs. (bt of course, tdy proved tt there was a tml -.-") super heavy rain. so anyhows, urm i had to cross this road in the rain in my very slippery shoes that will always manage to slip off my foot when it's wet. so that was what happened. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. yes i was crossing the traffic light. :S so i ran back, picked my shoe up (it was the left shoe), took off my other shoe, and ran barefoot across the road. in the heavy rain. with a few people staring at me like i was an alien. :S what a horribly embarrassing moment.
anw, went to Asian Kitchen for dinner. the food is pretty ok, but the service seriously SUCKS. to the core. i condemn this place la. freak. shall nt bother myself abt irritating ppl.
then went to the Esplanade for Quek Kiat Sing's exhibition opening ("Within Four Rooms", Jendela (Visual Arts Space by Cristal Caritus Trust, Level 2, Esplanade Mall, 4Apr-18May. Free Admission!)! :) pretty cool exhibition :) and the food was not bad :S haha and i think the personnel at the door very nearly didnt let ahbu n kw n me into the exhibition space cos we were like, super out of place in our t-shirts and shorts/denim skirt and slippers LOL. luckily all i had to say was "we're friends of the artist" (and didn't even have to produce the invitation even though it was clearly stated "by invitation only") and kiat sing auntie (as i call her) was right there near the door. so, automatically we went up to her and congratulated her on her solo exhibition opening :) and of course, informed her tt dad was on the way so we could "float" to other places and see the exhibition (and get some drinks) :P aint i jz a piggy li'l pig? lol.
so yea. tt was tt for yesterday. im sure i missed out a lot of funny details. but yea. i cant really rmb all of it nw. anyhows, tdy...... hai. a sama sama day, nth special, just the usual stuff. and my msn's still screwing up on me. :s keeps dc-ing for no reason! urgh.
happy 清明节 everyone. (dont you just love wiki sometimes? they even have info on qingmingjie!) so, because it's qingmingjie, and because our family's pretty traditional, me had a very very very very VERY filling dinner which means i'm seriously bloated right now. boos. so much for wanting to jian fei. brrs. i should get that t-shirt which reads "diet starts ... tomorrow" :S
i shall slack for today! and read my 天魔！！！ muahahahahaha. and studies shall come ... tomorrow. :D
“清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。”
half completed
yixin has finally completed first draft of the acz assignment. but i do NOT feel like editing. so im probably going to sleep now. gdnite folks. updates tomorrow (or sth)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
an update of many updates
lots of things to blog about today. but it will all have to come after i finish my acz assignment because it's due tomorrow and i have not even finished the first draft. so ppl, rmb, i want to be cremated. :S lets hope i still rmb wad to update abt wen im done with the assignment. for now, tarah~
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
i need...
1) to learn to let go. i mean, really, really let go. and really forget. i cant seem to forget. i dont know what im holding on for. a lost cause? i really dont.
2) to concentrate on my work at hand. i have not started doing the essay. and im preparing to go to bed nw. cos im so tired. i guess everything's that been weighing on my mind has really been a huge load and burden on my psycho.
3) to be clear about what i have to do. no means no. do not indulge yourself any further yixin. do not indulge. you will only hurt yourself and the others around you who mean the best for you.
hai. so many things have been on my mind. i just can't concentrate on what i have to do. i really need to do what i need to do but i just can't seem to be able to do it. but i will do it. i will i will i will. cos i have to.
i guess you can say that this is the first time since i was 14 that there is no "guy" in my life for this (short) amount of time. no guy chasing me/expressing interest in me/with me.. like, absolutely none. at all. it feels good in a way, somehow. i have to say thanks to kw for accompanying me tho.. and distracting me from stuffs.. stuffs that i have no wish to think about. not atm. i guess u cld say, that i never felt free-er to be myself or something like that. urgh. it's a weird feeling. its nt gd, its nt bad. its a weird feeling that i havent felt for .. 7 years. yes, 7 years. since sec2. hai.
-going back to being yixin- *wink*
2) to concentrate on my work at hand. i have not started doing the essay. and im preparing to go to bed nw. cos im so tired. i guess everything's that been weighing on my mind has really been a huge load and burden on my psycho.
3) to be clear about what i have to do. no means no. do not indulge yourself any further yixin. do not indulge. you will only hurt yourself and the others around you who mean the best for you.
hai. so many things have been on my mind. i just can't concentrate on what i have to do. i really need to do what i need to do but i just can't seem to be able to do it. but i will do it. i will i will i will. cos i have to.
i guess you can say that this is the first time since i was 14 that there is no "guy" in my life for this (short) amount of time. no guy chasing me/expressing interest in me/with me.. like, absolutely none. at all. it feels good in a way, somehow. i have to say thanks to kw for accompanying me tho.. and distracting me from stuffs.. stuffs that i have no wish to think about. not atm. i guess u cld say, that i never felt free-er to be myself or something like that. urgh. it's a weird feeling. its nt gd, its nt bad. its a weird feeling that i havent felt for .. 7 years. yes, 7 years. since sec2. hai.
-going back to being yixin- *wink*
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
procrastina-xin
danggit. im paying the huge price for having procrastinated so long. have not started at all on my acz. which is a freakin' disaster. shit. shit. shit. urgh.
im confused. is there a huge misunderstanding going on that i do not know about? that i do not know of? hai. vexed enough about stuffs. i need to get away. away from singapore. away from all the confusion and the sadness and the depression. i need to get away from everything. if nt, yixin will go nuts. i will go crazy. need to keep my sanity. (sudden flashes of memory.. hai. sad again)
im confused. is there a huge misunderstanding going on that i do not know about? that i do not know of? hai. vexed enough about stuffs. i need to get away. away from singapore. away from all the confusion and the sadness and the depression. i need to get away from everything. if nt, yixin will go nuts. i will go crazy. need to keep my sanity. (sudden flashes of memory.. hai. sad again)
the big "F" word
check out the etymology of the big "F" word! hehx. i suddenly thot about talking abt this in class jz nw.. so yea decided to look it up just for fun on wiki. :) hehehehe.
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