this line is probably as cliché as it sounds: "a dot is a line that ran away" but heys thats true :)
i think its really meaningful lol. stupid as it sounds, yes, i do think it's meaningful. it amazes me how different things can look from a different perspective (yes, that still amazes me) cos i find that i get caught up in the whirlwind of life so often that i seldom remember to take the time to look around. to see whats going on, to see whats different... hai. i feel so guilty now. so caught up in my own life that i dont see the others. yixin is sad. so sad.
tdy in sch, some classmates asked me: yixin are u still sick? why today so quiet? not like you leh!
and i thought.. urm.. does that mean im normally very noisy? :S i guess it does. but.. the questions unknowingly made me smile.. :) it feels warm somehow when u noe that there are people around who arent that close to you bt yet can feel a certain difference when i do things tt are .. "not usually what i do".. does that mean i matter in their life? maybe. maybe not. idk. but i guess it does show that somewhere somehow, ppl actually took a certain amount of notice at me. :S somehow. sometime.. somewhere along the way.. :)
wad happened a week ago has got me thinking.. about the people in my life. about how if my life were a circle, some people were tangents, and others had two real roots.. and some others.. well, subsets, i guess :) or maybe intersections :) and yea.. was thinking about all those people who touched my life at some point in time, who went in and out of my life, and those who were always a part of my life, have always been, and always will be..
im always grateful for all of them. all the people who were there (at some point in time) in/out/somewhere in my life. cos they always taught me something.. always taught me stuff tt i needed to know about in life. i learnt from their gd points, frm their mistakes, frm their speech, their actions.. everything i guess. i try to, anyways.
those who let me down, who betrayed me, who lied to me, who insulted me, who ... *sudden shots of horribly scary memories* ... *forget it* ... hai... anyways *decidedly cheerful* yeah. everyone. these people made me fall. they tripped me over so id fall flat on my face right smack in the mud. but it was they, too, who let me have the chance to learn to stand up again i guess. cos, if i dont fall, ill nvr learn to stand up after a fall. now, im caked in mud and dirt. but hopefully, soon, very very soon, i'll be able to shake of all that dried up mud and look cleaner and fresher and be more ready for the next person who tries to make me fall.
yixin has always been using clichéd expressions :S boos.
this sentence has been stuck in my brain the whole day... 寂静的美好 ...
hai.. hw can i forget? hw can i forget how beautiful the quiet night is? how quietly beautiful, how beautifully quiet it is? lying on the grass.. the dewy dewy grass.. staring into the sky, just staring into the beautifully starlit night sky.. so dark, yet so bright with the stars.. nth but the sound of the insects in the far-off distance.. yes i do remember. the beauty of it all.. i miss it so much. even though i can only enjoy a couple of hours each night. but those 10 nights were the best nights of my life.. yes, even the documenting :) i can still taste that sweet air.. the cool, sweet air.. i can taste it even as i type it.. hai. i miss khao yai.. but even more, i miss dek rak pha. hai..
(suddenly thinks of Deaw Dai Cliff in Khao Yai.. the beauty of the sun beating down on the life at Deaw Dai...)
(i even dream of dek rak pha sometimes loool)
*deep sighs*
yes, i miss dek rak pha. and all the people i was there with. all the P.s.. the team members, mr. menon's jokes (hungarians, bulgarians.. my cushion.. and yes, even the way he pokes fun of my surname) hai. my best memories of nj? probably :) that and all the time spent with my friends :) a01! hehx. cow/bull.. geog free periods.. hai. all the library gate-watching :D lol. they still bring a smile to my face everytime i think about it. and yes, those horrendous math tutorials with ms. shoulder pad. and gp tuts with d teacher. n horrible yr1 lit paper8 (practical criticism) tuts :S brrrrs. and who can forget dear dear dear mr. whitby??? fabulous fabulous yr2 paper8 lessons with mr. whitby. unforgettable and definitely off-the-charts memorable. :D *prophetic finger* :)
yes. i miss whitby. and all those lessons with him. hai. *those memories...*
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
confused
am i really confused? or do i already know the answer but dont want to accept it? i don't want to hurt you anymore. i don't.
im working hard. i think. towards that silver cloud gleaming just in sight. can i reach it? i dont know. but i (sure as hell) will try.
countdown to time to wake up (to go Choa Chu Kang Condo): 2hrs20mins
yes. yixin will probably forgo sleep tonight.
im working hard. i think. towards that silver cloud gleaming just in sight. can i reach it? i dont know. but i (sure as hell) will try.
countdown to time to wake up (to go Choa Chu Kang Condo): 2hrs20mins
yes. yixin will probably forgo sleep tonight.
Friday, March 28, 2008
the power of the mind
im nt strong. im nt as strong as ppl think i am i guess. but i still do believe in the power of the mind and i still do believe that whatever life is going to throw at me, i'm going to accept it and be able to overcome anything - as long as i want to.
believe.faith.confidence.
and part blindness. i guess tts wad i need to do nw.
yixin's really confused.
those tears.. are not of the pain of losing him.. is the pain of knowing how much pain i caused you.. especially seeing how you still treat me so well. sometimes i'd rather u hate me, scold me, ignore me.. at least i will feel a bit better that way..
so much to say.. where to start from? hai. might as well dont say anything. i jus hope tt u can read my eyes cos u're almost the only person who can..
believe.faith.confidence.
and part blindness. i guess tts wad i need to do nw.
yixin's really confused.
those tears.. are not of the pain of losing him.. is the pain of knowing how much pain i caused you.. especially seeing how you still treat me so well. sometimes i'd rather u hate me, scold me, ignore me.. at least i will feel a bit better that way..
so much to say.. where to start from? hai. might as well dont say anything. i jus hope tt u can read my eyes cos u're almost the only person who can..
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
i dont regret hurting...
yes, i dont regret loving anyone, though i always got hurt.. i dont regret hurting.. and like i told van, if i ever regret anything in life, anything at all, it would be that i didn't study harder in sec sch and jc.. and that i once let my parents down and made them worry so much for me.. after all, we are all but lone souls, if we don't love, how do we live? i guess frm my char, i noe tt i will keep trusting, continue trusting (blindly or nt), continue loving, continue giving all of my best and even more than that, to whoever wants it from me or needs it from me. and even if nobody needs it, ill still continue to give nth less than my best to everyone. cos i guess tts wad everyone deserves.. just... dont stretch me to my breaking point, i guess.
would i have chosen a different path? would i have chosen not to love? would i have chosen to mistrust? to question? to doubt? if you gave me a second shot at everything again, i'll tell you, i'd do everything exactly the same way, but i'll try to make more mistakes along the way i guess.. so i keep learning. and ill study harder, treat my parents better, be more understanding, caring, giving.. ill listen more, talk less, observe more, watch more, see more, do more and slack less.. ill push myself to learn more. through reading, listening, watching, everything, every single way that i can.. i dont believe in absorbing information from a single source.. i believe in absorbing all-rounded information from various sources.. tts my way of learning i guess :) different ppl got different learning styles :)
dad's home from taiwan!!! *yays* :)
talking to van brought back a lot of childhood memories.. hai.. the happiness and carefree-ness of childhood days.. only to be relived in memories.. but oh wells.. it makes me happy :) hahas!
im feeling so much better nw aft talking to van lol. and aft all d love pouring in from california!! (special thanks to jr who made it a pt to ask me if i were feeling better tho he was rushing off to work) :) *special e-huggs!*
would i have chosen a different path? would i have chosen not to love? would i have chosen to mistrust? to question? to doubt? if you gave me a second shot at everything again, i'll tell you, i'd do everything exactly the same way, but i'll try to make more mistakes along the way i guess.. so i keep learning. and ill study harder, treat my parents better, be more understanding, caring, giving.. ill listen more, talk less, observe more, watch more, see more, do more and slack less.. ill push myself to learn more. through reading, listening, watching, everything, every single way that i can.. i dont believe in absorbing information from a single source.. i believe in absorbing all-rounded information from various sources.. tts my way of learning i guess :) different ppl got different learning styles :)
dad's home from taiwan!!! *yays* :)
talking to van brought back a lot of childhood memories.. hai.. the happiness and carefree-ness of childhood days.. only to be relived in memories.. but oh wells.. it makes me happy :) hahas!
im feeling so much better nw aft talking to van lol. and aft all d love pouring in from california!! (special thanks to jr who made it a pt to ask me if i were feeling better tho he was rushing off to work) :) *special e-huggs!*
To Chrispy:
Dear Mr. Chrispy,
:) Thanks for the generous offer! :) sure. let lin pinch u. ill only need a little more time ... *i hope* :)
hai. cant imagine u can b a sweet guy too sometimes :) i feel so happy for Lin wors! :)
:) Thanks for the generous offer! :) sure. let lin pinch u. ill only need a little more time ... *i hope* :)
hai. cant imagine u can b a sweet guy too sometimes :) i feel so happy for Lin wors! :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
tired again.
-.-"
tml have to go sch. hai. sad sad. tired tired. and i need to rmb to print my surveys! n get it out to ppl. luckily tml got zad class :S
a sudden revelation: some people are just thick. they hear, but dont listen :S yup. some ppl are just thick.
so yup. i shall go cont my novel soon cos i havent read it for two days le. hai. :) hope my astig n myopia wont get worse! looool. see ya all at sch tml!
tml have to go sch. hai. sad sad. tired tired. and i need to rmb to print my surveys! n get it out to ppl. luckily tml got zad class :S
a sudden revelation: some people are just thick. they hear, but dont listen :S yup. some ppl are just thick.
so yup. i shall go cont my novel soon cos i havent read it for two days le. hai. :) hope my astig n myopia wont get worse! looool. see ya all at sch tml!
sad......... melancholic, more like
why? cos yx jz saw lin's blog. and why will i feel sad n melancholic? cos becos yx had mc ydae so yx didnt go to sch so yx missed out time to spend with her friends... :( *booohooooos!!!!!* hai. bt anw, theres stuff to do. get dwn to it!
This is me:
yes i have to reiterate to myself. This is me:
loved,
lost,
lived.
hell yea. ive lived. :) n im still living.
i rmb telling my cousins hw i am really grateful for going through my sec sch days as i went through it. that period of time, tho dark for me, was, i guess, the period of time i truly "lived". i experienced life as it is i guess. tears, pain, wretchedness, desperation, near depression, happiness, yadayadayada. it was the only period of time i ever entertained thoughts of suicide. yes, i did entertain thoughts of suicide then. cos everything was just so hard.
but it was the only time and the last time, as i promised myself. and ill definitely keep to that promise cos seriously, though we are sole creatures in a lonely world, we are bonded to the other sole creatures too. and in our shared solitude, we find happiness, strength, courage, chivalry and kindness. the worst times brings out both the worst and the best in us creatures living in dreadful solitude.
i was lucky. i saw the best in the people around me (though i saw the worst too) guess it is our own choice as lonely creatures to choose whether to focus on the silver lining or on the dark cloud. sometimes the silver lining is really hard to see when the cloud's so dark.. but then i look around the sky and there are silver clouds all around.. sure they're further out there, a little longer time is taken, much harder to reach out for. but heys, why settle for silver lining if u can reach the silver clouds? even if i fail to reach the silver clouds, id have passed by rainbows and gained a lot of experience. and i know i will be fuller because of those experiences.
so yes, though the road will be tougher, longer, and more treacherous, but i'd like to still die trying than never to have tried at all :)
i know it's an old-drop-tooth (think chi, ppl) analogy. but i guess it works. dont wanna keep staring at that closed door when another one's been opened behind me (and one that may lead to an even better place too!) ;)
yes. yixin will stand up. and (quoting mrchew) "Rise to the occasion!!" looooool. nah. yixin will be alright. she'll learn, she'll get more experience, she'll be a fuller person each time she gets knocked down. i'm strong cos i eat spinach!! no, really. i eat spinach. it's just about the only green leaf i eat (im such a fussy eater u see) i'm popeye the sailor man *poo!poo!* i'm popeye the sailor man *poo!poo!* ok i didnt noe wad pinyin to use for the sailor man whistle thing. so yea. poo! hahahahahahahas. see? im going crazy! (again *rollseye[x500] at myself*)
see? if there are little kids out there, rmb wor! yixin jiejie is strong cos she eat spinach! like popeye the sailor man! so muz rmb to eat ur spinach wors! :) (im crazy. simply me. simply crazy)
yes. i guess the irritating public transport users shall have to come in a less crazy post later on :)
loved,
lost,
lived.
hell yea. ive lived. :) n im still living.
i rmb telling my cousins hw i am really grateful for going through my sec sch days as i went through it. that period of time, tho dark for me, was, i guess, the period of time i truly "lived". i experienced life as it is i guess. tears, pain, wretchedness, desperation, near depression, happiness, yadayadayada. it was the only period of time i ever entertained thoughts of suicide. yes, i did entertain thoughts of suicide then. cos everything was just so hard.
but it was the only time and the last time, as i promised myself. and ill definitely keep to that promise cos seriously, though we are sole creatures in a lonely world, we are bonded to the other sole creatures too. and in our shared solitude, we find happiness, strength, courage, chivalry and kindness. the worst times brings out both the worst and the best in us creatures living in dreadful solitude.
i was lucky. i saw the best in the people around me (though i saw the worst too) guess it is our own choice as lonely creatures to choose whether to focus on the silver lining or on the dark cloud. sometimes the silver lining is really hard to see when the cloud's so dark.. but then i look around the sky and there are silver clouds all around.. sure they're further out there, a little longer time is taken, much harder to reach out for. but heys, why settle for silver lining if u can reach the silver clouds? even if i fail to reach the silver clouds, id have passed by rainbows and gained a lot of experience. and i know i will be fuller because of those experiences.
so yes, though the road will be tougher, longer, and more treacherous, but i'd like to still die trying than never to have tried at all :)
i know it's an old-drop-tooth (think chi, ppl) analogy. but i guess it works. dont wanna keep staring at that closed door when another one's been opened behind me (and one that may lead to an even better place too!) ;)
yes. yixin will stand up. and (quoting mrchew) "Rise to the occasion!!" looooool. nah. yixin will be alright. she'll learn, she'll get more experience, she'll be a fuller person each time she gets knocked down. i'm strong cos i eat spinach!! no, really. i eat spinach. it's just about the only green leaf i eat (im such a fussy eater u see)
see? if there are little kids out there, rmb wor! yixin jiejie is strong cos she eat spinach! like popeye the sailor man! so muz rmb to eat ur spinach wors! :) (im crazy. simply me. simply crazy)
yes. i guess the irritating public transport users shall have to come in a less crazy post later on :)
Monday, March 24, 2008
a simple side note...
IT'S SO GREAT TO FEEL LOVED BY YOUR FRIENDS!!!
i know i havent received any smses or anything these past few days (very minimal lar) and stuff and stuff and stuff.. but actually, even reading through old tagboard msges is quite meaningful. at least i noe, somewhere along the way, somewhere, sometime, i was still a "fun" person to hang out with. i hope i still am actually :S lol.
was out with the three bro (two out of three) and lao gao n kw ydae (they were great. helping me to forget some stuff - tho they didnt manage to stop my tears from falling but they were a great help tho i dont think they even meant to be. i mean, they didnt know what happened lar). the da ge (eldest bro) n lao gao and the second bro was looking at me all strange ydae when i just saw them. then i knew why. see, i havent seen them in like .. what? six months?
so they were like: 你为什么瘦那么多？怎样瘦下来的？真的瘦很多leh! -- hai. what was i to say? hw i lost almost 4-5kg in one week tt time? how i dropped from 53kg to 48kg in that one single week? i told kw jz nw. abt why i cld do it. i know he feels bad abt it. i didnt wanna tell him cos i knew he would. bt i guess he'd still have to know cos he has the right to. -- so anyways, i had to make up an excuse about how ive got chronic stomach problems (which is true, btw. it just doesnt work the way i told him it does) n sometimes am unable to ingest any food. it was an excuse. probably a bad one. yes, i do have chronic stomach probs tt make me unable to ingest food sometimes, but .. that does not result in weight loss. it results in gastric pain n gastric cramps :S so yes. most times i will still force myself to eat (tho knowing full way i will most probably throw them all up later on still) but i will still force myself to eat no matter how horrible it is.
-renewing positivity--renewing confidence- *jiayous!* dont get affected. dont get affected. jiayou jiayou jiayous. renew ur energy girl. rmb ur promise to urself. no more tears now.
i know i havent received any smses or anything these past few days (very minimal lar) and stuff and stuff and stuff.. but actually, even reading through old tagboard msges is quite meaningful. at least i noe, somewhere along the way, somewhere, sometime, i was still a "fun" person to hang out with. i hope i still am actually :S lol.
was out with the three bro (two out of three) and lao gao n kw ydae (they were great. helping me to forget some stuff - tho they didnt manage to stop my tears from falling but they were a great help tho i dont think they even meant to be. i mean, they didnt know what happened lar). the da ge (eldest bro) n lao gao and the second bro was looking at me all strange ydae when i just saw them. then i knew why. see, i havent seen them in like .. what? six months?
so they were like: 你为什么瘦那么多？怎样瘦下来的？真的瘦很多leh! -- hai. what was i to say? hw i lost almost 4-5kg in one week tt time? how i dropped from 53kg to 48kg in that one single week? i told kw jz nw. abt why i cld do it. i know he feels bad abt it. i didnt wanna tell him cos i knew he would. bt i guess he'd still have to know cos he has the right to. -- so anyways, i had to make up an excuse about how ive got chronic stomach problems (which is true, btw. it just doesnt work the way i told him it does) n sometimes am unable to ingest any food. it was an excuse. probably a bad one. yes, i do have chronic stomach probs tt make me unable to ingest food sometimes, but .. that does not result in weight loss. it results in gastric pain n gastric cramps :S so yes. most times i will still force myself to eat (tho knowing full way i will most probably throw them all up later on still) but i will still force myself to eat no matter how horrible it is.
-renewing positivity--renewing confidence- *jiayous!* dont get affected. dont get affected. jiayou jiayou jiayous. renew ur energy girl. rmb ur promise to urself. no more tears now.
To: Princess
To Princess:
heyss.. :) I'm not hurting myself if thats what you mean, and ive alr been to the doc's this morning.. as for skipping meals, i dont do that often. its not a chronic thing. the chronic thing is the problems that my stomach is giving me and yes, the doc said "when necessary" so, actually, tho taking myself off the meds is a conscious decision made on my part, if necessarily so, i will still take the meds so no worries.
ppl who are worried? lets see about that some time then :) but i guess my friends and family do know me well enough to know that i will stand up strong enough to face anything that comes in my path. after all, ive walked through stuff worse than this. much, much worse. i will be fine. all it takes is some time :) i know i always say im not as strong as i look, which is true too, but i know im strong enough to be able to take everything that life throws at me in my stride. im short, but my stride is quite big u noe? ;) i can walk pretty fast for a short girl! :)
-smiles-
i hope he takes gd care of you tho :) and stop breaking ur heart. u're a good girl. i really hope he'll cherish you. and be a gd bf to u. not only up till may, but for as long as you guys are tgt. which i hope will be for a long time. if nt, it'll all be wasted on my side wldnt it? :P
since you let go, then be strong, girl. be strong. no more tears now, girl. no more tears.. i wasn't selfish. isnt this what you've been doing all this time girl? you've done the exact same thing for ur gan mei 4yrs ago.. it hurt too didnt it? but still u walked through everything. everything. you've walked thru ur dark sec sch days, girl. it was the darkest moments of ur life rmb? bt u walked through all that. everything's ok, girl. everything's gonna be just fine. take some time, recover urself, u always tell this to other ppl when they come to u with their problems isnt it? life goes on. it does. life goes on. wld u rather have been selfish? i didnt think so. what would it have mattered? what would it have helped? nth. it would only cause you more pain. so don't think anymore about it girl. no more tears now... no more ...
got a new round of meds frm my doc this morning. hai. *shakes head* still feeling pukish. tho i took the med just now. which probably means this round of med nt strong enough? so yea. tml i shall post a post on public transport etiquette or sth like tt :P cos some ppl really pissed me off on the bus tdy.
dont think about it anymore. no more. no more. no more.
-renewed determination-
heyss.. :) I'm not hurting myself if thats what you mean, and ive alr been to the doc's this morning.. as for skipping meals, i dont do that often. its not a chronic thing. the chronic thing is the problems that my stomach is giving me and yes, the doc said "when necessary" so, actually, tho taking myself off the meds is a conscious decision made on my part, if necessarily so, i will still take the meds so no worries.
ppl who are worried? lets see about that some time then :) but i guess my friends and family do know me well enough to know that i will stand up strong enough to face anything that comes in my path. after all, ive walked through stuff worse than this. much, much worse. i will be fine. all it takes is some time :) i know i always say im not as strong as i look, which is true too, but i know im strong enough to be able to take everything that life throws at me in my stride. im short, but my stride is quite big u noe? ;) i can walk pretty fast for a short girl! :)
-smiles-
i hope he takes gd care of you tho :) and stop breaking ur heart. u're a good girl. i really hope he'll cherish you. and be a gd bf to u. not only up till may, but for as long as you guys are tgt. which i hope will be for a long time. if nt, it'll all be wasted on my side wldnt it? :P
since you let go, then be strong, girl. be strong. no more tears now, girl. no more tears.. i wasn't selfish. isnt this what you've been doing all this time girl? you've done the exact same thing for ur gan mei 4yrs ago.. it hurt too didnt it? but still u walked through everything. everything. you've walked thru ur dark sec sch days, girl. it was the darkest moments of ur life rmb? bt u walked through all that. everything's ok, girl. everything's gonna be just fine. take some time, recover urself, u always tell this to other ppl when they come to u with their problems isnt it? life goes on. it does. life goes on. wld u rather have been selfish? i didnt think so. what would it have mattered? what would it have helped? nth. it would only cause you more pain. so don't think anymore about it girl. no more tears now... no more ...
got a new round of meds frm my doc this morning. hai. *shakes head* still feeling pukish. tho i took the med just now. which probably means this round of med nt strong enough? so yea. tml i shall post a post on public transport etiquette or sth like tt :P cos some ppl really pissed me off on the bus tdy.
dont think about it anymore. no more. no more. no more.
-renewed determination-
i mattered enough?
they key word is "mattered", past tense. mattered enough for you to create a fb acc, mattered enough for u to add me as a friend on friendster (tho u deleted me aft tt). but still, the key word is mattereD. oh wells.
i wanna thank jr for being such a brick tho :) even though he's thousands of miles away in california! awwww he's so sweet :) thanks so much jr, *huggggs!*
n kw too. for being here in spite of everything. i dont understand. i tried to chase u away so many times.. but u're still here.............
how could i have been so stupid? so freaking stupid? yixin wishes to die right now. like, right now.
ive had one meal in two days :S gg to see doc later. hopefully he'll give me an mc. please do. please give me an mc. cos i dont feel too good, doc. i dont feel too good.
i wanna thank jr for being such a brick tho :) even though he's thousands of miles away in california! awwww he's so sweet :) thanks so much jr, *huggggs!*
n kw too. for being here in spite of everything. i dont understand. i tried to chase u away so many times.. but u're still here.............
how could i have been so stupid? so freaking stupid? yixin wishes to die right now. like, right now.
ive had one meal in two days :S gg to see doc later. hopefully he'll give me an mc. please do. please give me an mc. cos i dont feel too good, doc. i dont feel too good.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
weaning off meds!
first day of totally cutting the meds isnt really working i guess. threw up lots of bile in the morning :S (and i wonder if anyone would care actually, just wanted to whine)
disappointment - check
sadness - check
wretchedness - check
desperation - check
what else did i miss? this seems to be my life these days.
yixin - trying to crawl slowly out of the misery hell-hole. will i succeed? i have faith - i guess.
ppl, i noe my life seems really complicated and like crap now. and i guess it really is.
yixin - trying to pick myself up again. will i succeed? i know i will. but the valley seems so low now, and the mountains i need to climb are so high. i am a little disoriented, a little lost, a little desperate. but i know ill get there somehow. somehow - i dont know how. sometime - i dont know when.
does yixin regret her initial decision? she probably does. but she chooses not to look at it. it makes everything easier for me. cos i dont wanna regret. and if i keep looking back, i cant move forward. ultimately, i know, You havent really changed yet. just wants everything back to the way it was. but, i hope you realise tt its not possible. nth will ever be the same, wei. nothing.
swore i wouldnt cry again. those salty tracks on my cheeks ... tears? it's not easing any of the pain, any of the hurt. what's it trying to wash away? isnt salt supposed to be having antibacterial properties and used in saline washes to get rid of those minute-sized moving stuff? but why is the salt on my cheeks not helping? is the hurt too deep? or did i try to bury it somewhere so deep so i wouldnt feel it, and now that i feel it, idk where it's coming from?
the salty tracks on those cheeks ... mine ... ?
disappointment - check
sadness - check
wretchedness - check
desperation - check
what else did i miss? this seems to be my life these days.
yixin - trying to crawl slowly out of the misery hell-hole. will i succeed? i have faith - i guess.
ppl, i noe my life seems really complicated and like crap now. and i guess it really is.
yixin - trying to pick myself up again. will i succeed? i know i will. but the valley seems so low now, and the mountains i need to climb are so high. i am a little disoriented, a little lost, a little desperate. but i know ill get there somehow. somehow - i dont know how. sometime - i dont know when.
does yixin regret her initial decision? she probably does. but she chooses not to look at it. it makes everything easier for me. cos i dont wanna regret. and if i keep looking back, i cant move forward. ultimately, i know, You havent really changed yet. just wants everything back to the way it was. but, i hope you realise tt its not possible. nth will ever be the same, wei. nothing.
swore i wouldnt cry again. those salty tracks on my cheeks ... tears? it's not easing any of the pain, any of the hurt. what's it trying to wash away? isnt salt supposed to be having antibacterial properties and used in saline washes to get rid of those minute-sized moving stuff? but why is the salt on my cheeks not helping? is the hurt too deep? or did i try to bury it somewhere so deep so i wouldnt feel it, and now that i feel it, idk where it's coming from?
the salty tracks on those cheeks ... mine ... ?
:S
have i been searching too hard?
why is it, that everytime i leave someone, that someone always turns out to be the one who loves me the most? who cherishes me the most? who is the truest to me?
i know that when the truth finally sets in, and all the dust settles, I know that i'll be torn.
running solely on adrenaline.
i am yixin. seeking friends. true friends. nothing more, nothing less.
friends i noe will be there for me when i whine about the headache, about the doctor, about the bills, and then tell me tt im such a whiner bt still care for me anyways. friends like my ba lurvelies, my jc peeps... friends like silas, fazli ..
yes guys, i still rmb u. hw we used to eat curry puffs tgt at the mama shop. talk abt everything. hung in there tgt. supported each other. u guys were my best buds. seriously.
would i have chosen to live in ignorance and not know the truth? i don't know. i really don't.
one part of me wishes to noe that he loves me too. really really loves me. another part of me just wishes that he doesnt love me at all. so it's easier for me to move on.
so torn.
torn.
t
o
r
n
oh. and yixin has decidedly stopped her meds of her own accord despite having full knowledge of the consequences. sick and tired of meds. really. sick and tired of being sick.
why is it, that everytime i leave someone, that someone always turns out to be the one who loves me the most? who cherishes me the most? who is the truest to me?
i know that when the truth finally sets in, and all the dust settles, I know that i'll be torn.
running solely on adrenaline.
i am yixin. seeking friends. true friends. nothing more, nothing less.
friends i noe will be there for me when i whine about the headache, about the doctor, about the bills, and then tell me tt im such a whiner bt still care for me anyways. friends like my ba lurvelies, my jc peeps... friends like silas, fazli ..
yes guys, i still rmb u. hw we used to eat curry puffs tgt at the mama shop. talk abt everything. hung in there tgt. supported each other. u guys were my best buds. seriously.
would i have chosen to live in ignorance and not know the truth? i don't know. i really don't.
one part of me wishes to noe that he loves me too. really really loves me. another part of me just wishes that he doesnt love me at all. so it's easier for me to move on.
so torn.
torn.
t
o
r
n
oh. and yixin has decidedly stopped her meds of her own accord despite having full knowledge of the consequences. sick and tired of meds. really. sick and tired of being sick.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
mixed. mixed. mixed.
i dont know anything anymore i guess. but oh wells. lets see hw things go. :) *.confidence. .faith.*
finally got my 天魔神坛 第二部!!!!! wahahahahahas. thanks zp! :) alr 3/4 thru the first out of the 11 books in the second "season". :) there's a third too! muahahas. thanks zp in advance! :)
played wahjong for the first time jz nw wid ali :) quite fun lar i guess. but i missed a few good chances to game cos i was hanging. hanging. hanging. and got disconnected :S but oh wells.
slacked all day tdy. for the first time in my life, i tried doing nth but watch vids n read for a whole day. correction. doing nth but download n watch vids. (from aft lunch onwards till night) cos ive tried reading for a whole day from morning till night and missing lunch and dinner. :S. oh my goodness. i feel like such a nua-ster.
tml? maybe.
finally got my 天魔神坛 第二部!!!!! wahahahahahas. thanks zp! :) alr 3/4 thru the first out of the 11 books in the second "season". :) there's a third too! muahahas. thanks zp in advance! :)
played wahjong for the first time jz nw wid ali :) quite fun lar i guess. but i missed a few good chances to game cos i was hanging. hanging. hanging. and got disconnected :S but oh wells.
slacked all day tdy. for the first time in my life, i tried doing nth but watch vids n read for a whole day. correction. doing nth but download n watch vids. (from aft lunch onwards till night) cos ive tried reading for a whole day from morning till night and missing lunch and dinner. :S. oh my goodness. i feel like such a nua-ster.
tml? maybe.
Friday, March 21, 2008
and other random stuff
if i vanished, will anyone miss me? will anyone think about me? will anyone mourn my loss? will anyone realise that i'm gone? will i be in anyone's hearts?
if i were ill or injured, will anyone's hearts hurt? will anyone be worried? will anyone panic?
if i were not me, but someone else instead, will i be facing the same problems?
if i were a different me, would the path i chose be different than the one i took?
if i handled things differently, will it all boil down to the same fundamental problems?
there are so many "if's" and i just can't answer any single one of them.
sometimes i imagine that im sick or injured,
and i wonder if there will be anyone there.
sometimes in the middle of the night, i see my own funeral, with no one there beside.
i break out in cold sweat, face drenched with tears
silently wretched.
at times i chide myself,
for having thoughts like that.
at times i can't help but think:
you know thats not true,
so why think about that?
but most times i am insecure,
i don't know how i am.
i dont know what i am.
i dont know ..
i dont know who i am.
so, who the hell am i?
yixin the NIE student?
yixin the elder sister?
yixin the younger sister?
yixin the daughter?
yixin the cousin?
yixin that nobody loves?
yixin that nobody likes?
yixin who seems so strong?
yixin who is silently vulnerable?
yixin the ex-girlfriend?
yixin the girlfriend?
yixin the irritating girl?
yixin the tutor?
yixin the student?
yixin whom some hate?
yixin the joker? the classmate? the who?
so many different roles we all play in life.
can i just be known as "yixin"?
one single "yixin", the same yixin everyone knows.
i am the NIE student, the elder sister, the younger sister, the daughter, the cousin,
the yixin
that some people love and some people hate,
who seems so strong at times and yet is silent vulnerable too,
the ex-girlfriend, the girlfriend,
the irritating one, the funny one,
the tutor, the student, the teacher.
the probably The Slacker too.
i am all of it, and perhaps, none of it too.
irritating at times, funny at times,
mocking and sceptical yet trusting all at the very same time,
witty sometimes but conscientiously ignorant and idiotically stupid at others.
so who am i?
all of it? none of it?
maybe, just maybe,
maybe i'm just me.
im not yixin. i am me.
i'm not the body that you see,
the face that you peer into,
the eyes you try to see inside.
i am the one inside.
the one you can't see,
nor touch,
nor feel.
i'm not the "brain",
the "cognition".
not the "soul",
nor the "spirit".
i am.. ME.
defined only by my thoughts.
by what others think of me.
i'm just that.
i'm whoever you think i am, i guess.
defined only by others perception.
by the actions that my body makes,
the speech that my mouth forms.
dictated by the processes that my brain chooses to convey.
so am i me? or am i not me? or am i quintessentially me?
who's to noe?
maybe i do.
and maybe i don't.
simply .. me.
as undefined as a blank Word document.
if i were ill or injured, will anyone's hearts hurt? will anyone be worried? will anyone panic?
if i were not me, but someone else instead, will i be facing the same problems?
if i were a different me, would the path i chose be different than the one i took?
if i handled things differently, will it all boil down to the same fundamental problems?
there are so many "if's" and i just can't answer any single one of them.
sometimes i imagine that im sick or injured,
and i wonder if there will be anyone there.
sometimes in the middle of the night, i see my own funeral, with no one there beside.
i break out in cold sweat, face drenched with tears
silently wretched.
at times i chide myself,
for having thoughts like that.
at times i can't help but think:
you know thats not true,
so why think about that?
but most times i am insecure,
i don't know how i am.
i dont know what i am.
i dont know ..
i dont know who i am.
so, who the hell am i?
yixin the NIE student?
yixin the elder sister?
yixin the younger sister?
yixin the daughter?
yixin the cousin?
yixin that nobody loves?
yixin that nobody likes?
yixin who seems so strong?
yixin who is silently vulnerable?
yixin the ex-girlfriend?
yixin the girlfriend?
yixin the irritating girl?
yixin the tutor?
yixin the student?
yixin whom some hate?
yixin the joker? the classmate? the who?
so many different roles we all play in life.
can i just be known as "yixin"?
one single "yixin", the same yixin everyone knows.
i am the NIE student, the elder sister, the younger sister, the daughter, the cousin,
the yixin
that some people love and some people hate,
who seems so strong at times and yet is silent vulnerable too,
the ex-girlfriend, the girlfriend,
the irritating one, the funny one,
the tutor, the student, the teacher.
the probably The Slacker too.
i am all of it, and perhaps, none of it too.
irritating at times, funny at times,
mocking and sceptical yet trusting all at the very same time,
witty sometimes but conscientiously ignorant and idiotically stupid at others.
so who am i?
all of it? none of it?
maybe, just maybe,
maybe i'm just me.
im not yixin. i am me.
i'm not the body that you see,
the face that you peer into,
the eyes you try to see inside.
i am the one inside.
the one you can't see,
nor touch,
nor feel.
i'm not the "brain",
the "cognition".
not the "soul",
nor the "spirit".
i am.. ME.
defined only by my thoughts.
by what others think of me.
i'm just that.
i'm whoever you think i am, i guess.
defined only by others perception.
by the actions that my body makes,
the speech that my mouth forms.
dictated by the processes that my brain chooses to convey.
so am i me? or am i not me? or am i quintessentially me?
who's to noe?
maybe i do.
and maybe i don't.
simply .. me.
as undefined as a blank Word document.
Eed Ommi Saeed!!!!!! (and random branches of thought)
to all mothers out there,
Eed Ommi Saeed!!!!!
that's Happy Mothers' Day in arabic. :P yes, Saudi Arabia's mothers' day is today. check out the international dates for mothers' day! i nvr knew there were so many mothers' day(s)! how seriously ignorant can i be? so i checked out fathers' day as well and my, have i been a mountain tortoise all my life! *whew*
wells, as far as wiki goes, there are only a few dates internationally for Valentine's day (a.k.a. St. Valentine's Day), the two main ones are 14th Feb (internationally recognised), and the 七夕 which falls on the 7th day of the 7th lunar calender. but since the japanese don't really follow the lunar calender now, 七夕 is celebrated in japan on the 7th day of the 7th month in the Gregorian calender as well. :) which equates to: 2 Valentine's Day in the world! :) but there are equivalents to valentines day in other cultures as well. including Slovenia which celebrates it on 12th march as St. Gregory's Day. :)
i love wiki. :) -most of the time- :P
wei, please don't ask me any more of this kind of questions. I want to treat you as a friend now. only a friend. don't wait for me. you will only make me feel worse. if i had known it, i will definitely not go out with you le. i don't want to give you false hope. i don't want you to think that because i agree to go out with you, and hang out with you, that i will patch up with you now. i know you still check my blog every single day without fail. you should know me best. most things, i find it to communicate best by writing or typing it out so i'm saying it here. i hope you give yourself, your own life, and other people a chance. this is not the end of the world for you. why do you keep locking yourself up in this vicious circle? i keep pushing you to meet other girls because of one simple fact that i want you to go out and live your life. i know you only started to open up to people after being with me. i don't want you to close yourself up again. please, if you want to make me happy, if you really want to make me happy, then go out and live your life. live a colourful life. please. do it for yourself. do you really want to grow old and think about your life and then stop at this age and think: oh my goodness. my life from the age of 18 to 22 is an absoloute void with nothing in it? wei, i sincerely want you to move on. please. i am not worth it for you to lose any sleep over me. here's a quote for you:"nobody is worth your tears. the only person who's worth your tears won't let you have any." i'm not that girl, kw. if i am, i wont break your heart, i wont make you cry, i wont make you so upset now. i know you too well. i know you will argue. i just hope you look at this logically and rationally and not emotionally.
cant i love guys only as friends? why must you all always try to take things a step further? can't we remain friends? is it so hard? why must you put me in such agony? this is all making me feel horrible about myself. maybe yixin shouldnt be here at all. right?
Eed Ommi Saeed!!!!!
that's Happy Mothers' Day in arabic. :P yes, Saudi Arabia's mothers' day is today. check out the international dates for mothers' day! i nvr knew there were so many mothers' day(s)! how seriously ignorant can i be? so i checked out fathers' day as well and my, have i been a mountain tortoise all my life! *whew*
wells, as far as wiki goes, there are only a few dates internationally for Valentine's day (a.k.a. St. Valentine's Day), the two main ones are 14th Feb (internationally recognised), and the 七夕 which falls on the 7th day of the 7th lunar calender. but since the japanese don't really follow the lunar calender now, 七夕 is celebrated in japan on the 7th day of the 7th month in the Gregorian calender as well. :) which equates to: 2 Valentine's Day in the world! :) but there are equivalents to valentines day in other cultures as well. including Slovenia which celebrates it on 12th march as St. Gregory's Day. :)
i love wiki. :) -most of the time- :P
wei, please don't ask me any more of this kind of questions. I want to treat you as a friend now. only a friend. don't wait for me. you will only make me feel worse. if i had known it, i will definitely not go out with you le. i don't want to give you false hope. i don't want you to think that because i agree to go out with you, and hang out with you, that i will patch up with you now. i know you still check my blog every single day without fail. you should know me best. most things, i find it to communicate best by writing or typing it out so i'm saying it here. i hope you give yourself, your own life, and other people a chance. this is not the end of the world for you. why do you keep locking yourself up in this vicious circle? i keep pushing you to meet other girls because of one simple fact that i want you to go out and live your life. i know you only started to open up to people after being with me. i don't want you to close yourself up again. please, if you want to make me happy, if you really want to make me happy, then go out and live your life. live a colourful life. please. do it for yourself. do you really want to grow old and think about your life and then stop at this age and think: oh my goodness. my life from the age of 18 to 22 is an absoloute void with nothing in it? wei, i sincerely want you to move on. please. i am not worth it for you to lose any sleep over me. here's a quote for you:"nobody is worth your tears. the only person who's worth your tears won't let you have any." i'm not that girl, kw. if i am, i wont break your heart, i wont make you cry, i wont make you so upset now. i know you too well. i know you will argue. i just hope you look at this logically and rationally and not emotionally.
cant i love guys only as friends? why must you all always try to take things a step further? can't we remain friends? is it so hard? why must you put me in such agony? this is all making me feel horrible about myself. maybe yixin shouldnt be here at all. right?
a new personal chant
my new personal mantra shall be: i can! i can! i can!
and:
make it work! (think Tim Gunn of Project Runway) :P
yes. don't bore nina. :P carry-ing on.............
yixin shall make things work. i will make things work or i'll know why. :S need to 鞭策 myself a lot more now. no more slacking, girl. no more slacking. grind down to the work! jiayou jiayou jiayou!!!
and:
make it work! (think Tim Gunn of Project Runway) :P
yes. don't bore nina. :P carry-ing on.............
yixin shall make things work. i will make things work or i'll know why. :S need to 鞭策 myself a lot more now. no more slacking, girl. no more slacking. grind down to the work! jiayou jiayou jiayou!!!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
lots of blog stuff to blog about?
yup, but what? idk. got a lot of topics i thot i cld work on on the way home tdy.. and on the way out (to meet C) and on the way back again :S. but as usual, ive forgotten most of what i wanted to talk about. maybe whine about how tired i am???? :S
brrrs.
so anyways, yes. saw lots of nj juniors when i was on 171 gg out jz nw. one stop before nj, yes the ny stop, i saw this ip girl get on the bus. i recognise her frm her ip days when wanda n sabu n her hung out tgt or sth like tt. i mean, yea i rmb her frm her ip days wid the "ip kids" so we called them. then it suddenly hit me *once again* that hey. the "ip kids" have now graduated frm nj! oh my stars. which means they've spent 4yrs in nj. i mean, finished spending their 4yrs in nj. which also means that i am alr two years away frm nj!
and counting by 2008 - (please read the sign as "minus") 2005, it's been 3yrs!!!! i feel so O-L-D. then saw some ppl still wearing nj uniforms get up the bus d nxt stop (the nj side gate stop) and i cldnt help but think again... geeees it's been 3 friggin' years since i looked like a stone? oh my stars. time has been really really unforgiving. where has time gone? flown right out the window without my realising it again? and come to think of it, it's coming to the end of my second yr in nie! hai. where has my time gone? dear dear dear time, can you slow down a little? just a little? so i can enjoy my youth a little more? please? pretty pretty pretty please???
was reading this story on kctan's blog.. (yes, i did in actual fact check out kctan's blog. and his 文笔 is really gd lo...... i feel so friggin' inferior. maybe i should set up a blog entirely in chinese too? hmmmmmm.............. *ponders**stroke beard as if it were existent*) i was so 感动. by the truth of the love shining through, it's like you feel the quintessential essence of the love that they share, and even as outsiders, bystanders, strangers, you can feel that deep bond between them.
i think everyone longs for that kind of love, the kind that you will hold on to forever.. the kind that may seem dull, non-existent, boring, and dry.. but in actual fact is the most lasting, most bonded kind of love and relationship. how many times in our flippant youth do we mistake excitement to be true love? that we oversee the fact that having an exciting courtship, or a "romantic" courtship, or a relationship filled with passion and angst is not equal to holding love? to having true true true love that flows between the two of you like liquid crystal?
i really admire and envy my parents. they've been married so long (27years) and yet, though they don't show their affection so much i.e. they don't hug and kiss and everything that we see young couples do in public nowadays and they don't really show what they feel, and you rarely ever hear them say that to each other, but somehow even as a bystander you can feel the deep bond that they share. a simple brush of mom's hand on daddy's knee, how they poke fun of each other's linguistic mistakes at times (peeps, nw u noe, i gt it partly frm home too! :S) it's just so .. sweet!
is this what i've been searching for? is this how i want my own relationship to be like? maybe it is. it seems so perfect to me. but i noe my parents have been through quite a lot to get here and to be together. i dont think maternal grandmama liked the idea of mommy marrying daddy. but oh wells. they're there now and thats what matters i guess. what's most important? they're them. and i wouldnt accept them any other way :) im glad tt my parents are my parents i guess. :) no matter what happened in the past, im who i am because of how they've moulded me. and i'm so grateful to them for doing all they can to bring us up despite all the adverse circumstances acting against their favour. it's time for me to do something for them now.
-judge me not for who i was before, but for who i am now-
and i am nobody but me.
brrrs.
so anyways, yes. saw lots of nj juniors when i was on 171 gg out jz nw. one stop before nj, yes the ny stop, i saw this ip girl get on the bus. i recognise her frm her ip days when wanda n sabu n her hung out tgt or sth like tt. i mean, yea i rmb her frm her ip days wid the "ip kids" so we called them. then it suddenly hit me *once again* that hey. the "ip kids" have now graduated frm nj! oh my stars. which means they've spent 4yrs in nj. i mean, finished spending their 4yrs in nj. which also means that i am alr two years away frm nj!
and counting by 2008 - (please read the sign as "minus") 2005, it's been 3yrs!!!! i feel so O-L-D. then saw some ppl still wearing nj uniforms get up the bus d nxt stop (the nj side gate stop) and i cldnt help but think again... geeees it's been 3 friggin' years since i looked like a stone? oh my stars. time has been really really unforgiving. where has time gone? flown right out the window without my realising it again? and come to think of it, it's coming to the end of my second yr in nie! hai. where has my time gone? dear dear dear time, can you slow down a little? just a little? so i can enjoy my youth a little more? please? pretty pretty pretty please???
was reading this story on kctan's blog.. (yes, i did in actual fact check out kctan's blog. and his 文笔 is really gd lo...... i feel so friggin' inferior. maybe i should set up a blog entirely in chinese too? hmmmmmm.............. *ponders**stroke beard as if it were existent*) i was so 感动. by the truth of the love shining through, it's like you feel the quintessential essence of the love that they share, and even as outsiders, bystanders, strangers, you can feel that deep bond between them.
i think everyone longs for that kind of love, the kind that you will hold on to forever.. the kind that may seem dull, non-existent, boring, and dry.. but in actual fact is the most lasting, most bonded kind of love and relationship. how many times in our flippant youth do we mistake excitement to be true love? that we oversee the fact that having an exciting courtship, or a "romantic" courtship, or a relationship filled with passion and angst is not equal to holding love? to having true true true love that flows between the two of you like liquid crystal?
i really admire and envy my parents. they've been married so long (27years) and yet, though they don't show their affection so much i.e. they don't hug and kiss and everything that we see young couples do in public nowadays and they don't really show what they feel, and you rarely ever hear them say that to each other, but somehow even as a bystander you can feel the deep bond that they share. a simple brush of mom's hand on daddy's knee, how they poke fun of each other's linguistic mistakes at times (peeps, nw u noe, i gt it partly frm home too! :S) it's just so .. sweet!
is this what i've been searching for? is this how i want my own relationship to be like? maybe it is. it seems so perfect to me. but i noe my parents have been through quite a lot to get here and to be together. i dont think maternal grandmama liked the idea of mommy marrying daddy. but oh wells. they're there now and thats what matters i guess. what's most important? they're them. and i wouldnt accept them any other way :) im glad tt my parents are my parents i guess. :) no matter what happened in the past, im who i am because of how they've moulded me. and i'm so grateful to them for doing all they can to bring us up despite all the adverse circumstances acting against their favour. it's time for me to do something for them now.
-judge me not for who i was before, but for who i am now-
and i am nobody but me.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
interested!!!
thanks to SJ and Nish :) i gt to noe abt this workshop for teachers. it's The Teachers' Leadership Summit 2008!! :) organised by the Singapore branch of Halogen Foundation! hehx. hmm im really interested to go. firstly, it sounds like a very helpful thing for us, and secondly, ive got really great great feedback from ppl who've attended. hmmmmmm.. hai.
(ok. im in a very incoherent mode now. cant seem to be able to form my sentences properly. been like this all day :S n im getting a headache again. shoots)
maybe it's time for me to go to bed! :) im jz a slacker. boos.
(ok. im in a very incoherent mode now. cant seem to be able to form my sentences properly. been like this all day :S n im getting a headache again. shoots)
maybe it's time for me to go to bed! :) im jz a slacker. boos.
wud da...??
am looking through the 课标 and 课文 of the p3 chinese syllabus. and i just have to say .. what the hell does the teacher want us to do again??? boos. time to look for the assignment handout. which i do not know where it is :S oh my stars.
daddy is flying to taiwan for a week tomorrow afternoon. hai. i will be in class, so i will be unable to go send him off :( yixin is sad.
NIE ASEAN club is having ASEAN week at the student hub! :) selling t-shirts n AAEF forum tickets. AAEF forum tix. AAEF = Annual ASEAN Education Forum! :P pls come n support if can lar.... i noe the price of the t shirts are a bit steep but........... it doesnt look very bad wad! :) i'd suggest u come for the forum tho.. GOH is gonna be the former secretary-general of ASEAN :D come come come! hahas.
(as you can see, this is a really random post :S im basically just typing whatever comes to mind atm)
oh and yixin has had the longest afternoon nap of her life. i normally only nap for an hour or two and i only nap if i'm really super duper very tired (to the point of nodding off when i close my eyes) cos i get really bad migraines n headaches if i slp in the afternoon. and normally when i nap, it's cos i took meds tt cause drowsiness (like the meds im taking now boos) slept for near on 3hrs jz nw! oh my stars. and nw, yixin is tired again :S hai.
spent more money hai. really gonna squeeze n tighten my belt now. nt becos im alr broke, but because im sick n tired of being broke. so 加油! curb every desire and want. spend only on needs! yes. tts d way babeh~ :P (going crazy)
-if i can see it, then i can do it....- visualise! hehx. im really nuts. rmb ppl, room no. 0315! :)
i believe that if u believe in it, and if you truly put ur heart to it, you can achieve anything you want.
-it's a long tough road out there- jiayous.
daddy is flying to taiwan for a week tomorrow afternoon. hai. i will be in class, so i will be unable to go send him off :( yixin is sad.
NIE ASEAN club is having ASEAN week at the student hub! :) selling t-shirts n AAEF forum tickets. AAEF forum tix. AAEF = Annual ASEAN Education Forum! :P pls come n support if can lar.... i noe the price of the t shirts are a bit steep but........... it doesnt look very bad wad! :) i'd suggest u come for the forum tho.. GOH is gonna be the former secretary-general of ASEAN :D come come come! hahas.
(as you can see, this is a really random post :S im basically just typing whatever comes to mind atm)
oh and yixin has had the longest afternoon nap of her life. i normally only nap for an hour or two and i only nap if i'm really super duper very tired (to the point of nodding off when i close my eyes) cos i get really bad migraines n headaches if i slp in the afternoon. and normally when i nap, it's cos i took meds tt cause drowsiness (like the meds im taking now boos) slept for near on 3hrs jz nw! oh my stars. and nw, yixin is tired again :S hai.
spent more money hai. really gonna squeeze n tighten my belt now. nt becos im alr broke, but because im sick n tired of being broke. so 加油! curb every desire and want. spend only on needs! yes. tts d way babeh~ :P (going crazy)
-if i can see it, then i can do it....- visualise! hehx. im really nuts. rmb ppl, room no. 0315! :)
i believe that if u believe in it, and if you truly put ur heart to it, you can achieve anything you want.
-it's a long tough road out there- jiayous.
Monday, March 17, 2008
eventful day?
been really careless. not in the right state of mind i guess. maybe i got too serious a lack of sleep or sth. idk.
first: i forgot my aaef stuff in the morning so i had to get off the bus at YI bus stop and cross over the bridge and take the bus back and cross the bridge and climb up the slope to get home just to get that stuff.
and as all things yixin, that was when things started going haywire too. but lets not go there. im feeling horrible enough as it is.
second: witnessed a very spectacular upheaval of stomach contents within half an hour of reaching the classroom. my stomach contents :S bleaghs. a repeat of that was doomed to happen aft dinner. which it did. like, 15mins ago. :S
and puking always makes me very tired. i mean, im tired enough as it is with the meds, and aft tt, i was really really really tired. :(
wads gg on. wads really going on? cant u be straightforward with me?
and.. yes. dinner at The Hip Diner at bugis! hmm the food is not bad lar i guess.. :P the grilled chicken i had was pretty good actually and the waffle too....... but i think Shokudo's waffle nicer. fluffier and softer and more tasty sort of. :P yumms. but i wasnt concentrating on the food though.... sth else... hai.
and yes went to my aunt's shop at bugis street to get clothes :) hehx. hopefully ill feel motivated to *ahem* cos the clothes look so petite -.-" and i saw this t-shirt in one of the shops tt i really felt like buying. it reads: i love my girlfriend(s). hehx. and another one with a chicken spirit coming out of a sunny side up. i mean, i wouldnt have gotten that second one, but the first one was pretty funny i think. and was at ms the other day and saw this shirt again: why do the weirdos always sit next to me? and i decided i SO should not get that shirt tho it's pretty funny n kewl cos i'd be badly beaten up by whoever happens to sit next to me. esp in school :S oh boi.
hmmm my gastric feels weird. maybe i shld go see doc tml morn before i head off for school? hmm maybe i shld. been putting it off for a week alr..
n yx's having a fever right now. right now. hai. boos. im sad. i shld get some rest early and soon. -bothered-
and planes' been hanging around my estate! i mean, they dont usually fly around here (those army planes) but recently ive been hearing a lot of them. urgh. and of course, if u're trying to get a good nap, it's kinda difficult. and they're still flying around now! rooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr... boos.
and my leg itches. it itches itches itches. reminds me of a song "itchy itchy scratchy scratchy up and down my backy-wacky".... do u think yixin is going nuts? cos i think im gg nuts? friends, my IMH room no. is 0315 come find me when u have the time ok? cos yixin will be *sings**oh soooo loooooonely....!!!!* and when yixin is lonely, yixin will go crazier! booboobaba!! :S baba? boobooboo! boobababa?? bababooboo! :S *disgusted at myself*
time for some sleep i guess. n hoping that sleeping will ease the escalating gastric pain.. get well soon lin :) *hugs*
*yixin is SUCH a whinner* and oh nos. i noe it myself. hai.
下定决心！加油加油加油！你行的！开口说话没有结果，要行动才行！加油加油加油！！！！！永不服输！gambatte!!!!!!!!!! 我相信你可以！我相信我可以！艺欣，我们一起加油！嗯！一起加油！！！！！（唔。。可是要小心不要加太多wor。。减肥好辛苦neh~）
*不好笑**打冷颤*
*edits@2318hrs* i have just spotted a mosquito flying around in my air-conditioned bedroom. no wonder i still get so many mosquito stings. urgh.
杀！！！！！！
ok. too violent.
now my blogger's screwing up. cant change the font size and font. argh. *stabs myself* so im going to stop my updates right here.
first: i forgot my aaef stuff in the morning so i had to get off the bus at YI bus stop and cross over the bridge and take the bus back and cross the bridge and climb up the slope to get home just to get that stuff.
and as all things yixin, that was when things started going haywire too. but lets not go there. im feeling horrible enough as it is.
second: witnessed a very spectacular upheaval of stomach contents within half an hour of reaching the classroom. my stomach contents :S bleaghs. a repeat of that was doomed to happen aft dinner. which it did. like, 15mins ago. :S
and puking always makes me very tired. i mean, im tired enough as it is with the meds, and aft tt, i was really really really tired. :(
wads gg on. wads really going on? cant u be straightforward with me?
and.. yes. dinner at The Hip Diner at bugis! hmm the food is not bad lar i guess.. :P the grilled chicken i had was pretty good actually and the waffle too....... but i think Shokudo's waffle nicer. fluffier and softer and more tasty sort of. :P yumms. but i wasnt concentrating on the food though.... sth else... hai.
and yes went to my aunt's shop at bugis street to get clothes :) hehx. hopefully ill feel motivated to *ahem* cos the clothes look so petite -.-" and i saw this t-shirt in one of the shops tt i really felt like buying. it reads: i love my girlfriend(s). hehx. and another one with a chicken spirit coming out of a sunny side up. i mean, i wouldnt have gotten that second one, but the first one was pretty funny i think. and was at ms the other day and saw this shirt again: why do the weirdos always sit next to me? and i decided i SO should not get that shirt tho it's pretty funny n kewl cos i'd be badly beaten up by whoever happens to sit next to me. esp in school :S oh boi.
hmmm my gastric feels weird. maybe i shld go see doc tml morn before i head off for school? hmm maybe i shld. been putting it off for a week alr..
n yx's having a fever right now. right now. hai. boos. im sad. i shld get some rest early and soon. -bothered-
and planes' been hanging around my estate! i mean, they dont usually fly around here (those army planes) but recently ive been hearing a lot of them. urgh. and of course, if u're trying to get a good nap, it's kinda difficult. and they're still flying around now! rooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr... boos.
and my leg itches. it itches itches itches.
time for some sleep i guess. n hoping that sleeping will ease the escalating gastric pain.. get well soon lin :) *hugs*
*yixin is SUCH a whinner* and oh nos. i noe it myself. hai.
下定决心！加油加油加油！你行的！开口说话没有结果，要行动才行！加油加油加油！！！！！永不服输！gambatte!!!!!!!!!! 我相信你可以！我相信我可以！艺欣，我们一起加油！嗯！一起加油！！！！！（唔。。可是要小心不要加太多wor。。减肥好辛苦neh~）
*不好笑**打冷颤*
*edits@2318hrs* i have just spotted a mosquito flying around in my air-conditioned bedroom. no wonder i still get so many mosquito stings. urgh.
杀！！！！！！
ok. too violent.
now my blogger's screwing up. cant change the font size and font. argh. *stabs myself* so im going to stop my updates right here.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
internet!! internet!!
finally my internet is working! lalalalalala!! :) now i just want to say: "internet! oh, internet!!" (think Brave New World) :P ok, i am going crazy.
hehx. need to thank my cousin for helping me get my internet done wors lol :) and i am halfway through my acz drafting - i mean, drafting the question i want to do and the survey. which means i am less than 25% through the entire assignment. great. im really quite at a loss as to what to do now. boos.
life goes on. in spite of things (and despite of things) that have happened and that are happening at the moment. that's the rule of life isn't it? life just moves on. i have decided to keep up with that pace. and continue moving forward. c'mon yixin. you can do it. let's go. move it move it move it. lets do it. :) jiayou jiayou jiayou!
hehx. need to thank my cousin for helping me get my internet done wors lol :) and i am halfway through my acz drafting - i mean, drafting the question i want to do and the survey. which means i am less than 25% through the entire assignment. great. im really quite at a loss as to what to do now. boos.
life goes on. in spite of things (and despite of things) that have happened and that are happening at the moment. that's the rule of life isn't it? life just moves on. i have decided to keep up with that pace. and continue moving forward. c'mon yixin. you can do it. let's go. move it move it move it. lets do it. :) jiayou jiayou jiayou!
pissed off
y do u always have to do this? it's very piss-ifying. as*hole.
yes. im fuckin' pissed off by a very ridiculous jerk.
yes. im fuckin' pissed off by a very ridiculous jerk.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
new tagboard
i have decided to use a new tagboard. cos flashbox screws up on me. and im still getting disconnected by my ridiculous router. yup.
and i havent been digesting my food.. so i've been drinking green tea these two days. i mean, the tea leaves with warm water kind of green tea and not the canned type. so yea.
-watching real superhumans by the discovery channel!- this program is so cool.
ah wells. im stuck at my acz cos i dont know what question to set. which means i cant draft out my survey. which means i wont be able to draft my report. boos. need to come up with the question soon. but the thing is, i can't concentrate. cant concentrate at home. i need to get out to study. ive never been able to study at home. boos.
hai. get down to it get down to it!
happy birthday Jy!!! :) this won't be the last of me u'll hear :P happy happy happy birthday :)
*lotsa things i wanna say, bt nt here, nt nw. maybe nxt time*
and i havent been digesting my food.. so i've been drinking green tea these two days. i mean, the tea leaves with warm water kind of green tea and not the canned type. so yea.
-watching real superhumans by the discovery channel!- this program is so cool.
ah wells. im stuck at my acz cos i dont know what question to set. which means i cant draft out my survey. which means i wont be able to draft my report. boos. need to come up with the question soon. but the thing is, i can't concentrate. cant concentrate at home. i need to get out to study. ive never been able to study at home. boos.
hai. get down to it get down to it!
happy birthday Jy!!! :) this won't be the last of me u'll hear :P happy happy happy birthday :)
*lotsa things i wanna say, bt nt here, nt nw. maybe nxt time*
Friday, March 14, 2008
silent carers
this is a kind of like reply thing to the comment (tt someone idk who left on my blog). hehx. i mean it like it is. i dont know who it is. and, urm, idk why my tagboard is screwing up either. :S
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... *ponders**sighs* idk wat to say really. :S
but.. like i told kw the other night, i just dont say anything. like, anything. i jz bury it somewhere deep in my heart (okay, not so deep cos they still surface from time to time when the monsoon arrives =S) its jz sth abt me i guess. hai. i just dont know how to say wad i feel, and i dont know what to say either. it's like someone took a hammer and some nails and clamped my mouth shut with a sealed lock. maybe im jz sick up there? hai.
but it's heartening and heartwarming to noe tt someone out there cares.. :) n yes, before u guys start scolding me, a lot of someone out there care for me :) but it's special and different when there's a person you don't know (like, really dont know, like a stranger kind of don't know) and that person showed tt (s)he cares enough to tell u stuff? idk wad im talking about nw actually. brrs. maybe its the fever getting to my head.
went for a lovely lunch with the ba lurvelies tdy. really full. i mean, bloated. yup den went sim lim wid daddy to buy the canon powershot G9. boos. got quite a gd price i think :) but oh wells then again.
my internet's broke down yet again! yippees yays. boos. :(
n yixin is stuck at home. im so sick of being stuck at home. anyone wants to go out at night?? please please please jio me out...... cos im collecting dust at home and im festering and rotting and vegetating and becoming biofuels! :( (and becoming fat too!)
and yes i think i may be going to the doc's later. :(
on second thoughts, wad an utter waste of money. maybe not then.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... *ponders**sighs* idk wat to say really. :S
but.. like i told kw the other night, i just dont say anything. like, anything. i jz bury it somewhere deep in my heart (okay, not so deep cos they still surface from time to time when the monsoon arrives =S) its jz sth abt me i guess. hai. i just dont know how to say wad i feel, and i dont know what to say either. it's like someone took a hammer and some nails and clamped my mouth shut with a sealed lock. maybe im jz sick up there? hai.
but it's heartening and heartwarming to noe tt someone out there cares.. :) n yes, before u guys start scolding me, a lot of someone out there care for me :) but it's special and different when there's a person you don't know (like, really dont know, like a stranger kind of don't know) and that person showed tt (s)he cares enough to tell u stuff? idk wad im talking about nw actually. brrs. maybe its the fever getting to my head.
went for a lovely lunch with the ba lurvelies tdy. really full. i mean, bloated. yup den went sim lim wid daddy to buy the canon powershot G9. boos. got quite a gd price i think :) but oh wells then again.
my internet's broke down yet again! yippees yays. boos. :(
n yixin is stuck at home. im so sick of being stuck at home. anyone wants to go out at night?? please please please jio me out...... cos im collecting dust at home and im festering and rotting and vegetating and becoming biofuels! :( (and becoming fat too!)
and yes i think i may be going to the doc's later. :(
on second thoughts, wad an utter waste of money. maybe not then.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
oh big spender!
yes yixin has realised tt shes a big spender. i think she spent nearly 150 bucks today! sheesh. bleaghs. just on food n stuffs i think i alr spent abt 50bucks lo.. plus transport, 50bucks (top-up ezlink). and me bought a dress hehx. for 50bucks! oh my stars. hmm hope its nice ba. so ppl, ask me out on a weekend or weekend night or sth and i may wear tt dress :P i hope it looks nice (cos i think i look like a hot air balloon in it :S)
and im tired. hahas. med's nt helping these days. idk why. but oh wells. things happen right? hahax. just gotta see hw things go i guess. and im pretty sure i had stuffs to blog about today. but suddenly i dont rmb at all.
oh! and i went to the bone marrow donation drive thing tdy. n guess wad. the guy who took my blood sample was such a cutie. oh my! hahas. hes cute lar. :P but oh wells. im kind of hungry now cos i had dinner (lunch and dinner actually) at 5pm! dots!
and yixin is absolutely in love with muji. :P
oh and im unable to upload pics from my phone nw, so, all the pics have to wait until two criteria is met:
1) i get my m2 adaptor
2) i get my stuffs done
cos i just realised that i have a lot of things that i have to get done. and there is simply not enough time left! hai. serves me right for not constantly reviewing my deadlines and taking note of what i have to do. hai. i feel like such a foolish loser.
and i have once again become the feeding point for mosquitoes. i have no less than half a dozen stings on each leg. brrrrrrs. so itchy that ill wake up in the middle of the night scratching at my legs! booos im sad. hai. and my internet just got dc-ed again. hai. have to wait until it connects before this gets published!
(and idk weva to smile at this bt my profile views for friendster has been quite stagnant for the past week :) hehx. and somehow im smiling at it lol. im jz sick?)
and im tired. hahas. med's nt helping these days. idk why. but oh wells. things happen right? hahax. just gotta see hw things go i guess. and im pretty sure i had stuffs to blog about today. but suddenly i dont rmb at all.
oh! and i went to the bone marrow donation drive thing tdy. n guess wad. the guy who took my blood sample was such a cutie. oh my! hahas. hes cute lar. :P but oh wells. im kind of hungry now cos i had dinner (lunch and dinner actually) at 5pm! dots!
and yixin is absolutely in love with muji. :P
oh and im unable to upload pics from my phone nw, so, all the pics have to wait until two criteria is met:
1) i get my m2 adaptor
2) i get my stuffs done
cos i just realised that i have a lot of things that i have to get done. and there is simply not enough time left! hai. serves me right for not constantly reviewing my deadlines and taking note of what i have to do. hai. i feel like such a foolish loser.
and i have once again become the feeding point for mosquitoes. i have no less than half a dozen stings on each leg. brrrrrrs. so itchy that ill wake up in the middle of the night scratching at my legs! booos im sad. hai. and my internet just got dc-ed again. hai. have to wait until it connects before this gets published!
(and idk weva to smile at this bt my profile views for friendster has been quite stagnant for the past week :) hehx. and somehow im smiling at it lol. im jz sick?)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
friends!
good friends who are always ready with witty comments always brighten up my day.
so much has been happening in my life lately. things that keep pulling me down, and wanting me to stay down. but ive been down there, ive been down there a long long time. and now, all i want to go is up. i dont want to get pulled down and pushed down again.
i thank all my friends for being here for me so i wont stay down there. did u guys noe, that just by being there, just by being who you guys are, you really help me so much. help me to remain being who i am. and to remain standing strong to who i am. many many special thanks to u all ba lurvelies. n of cos, mr chrispy sometimes always happens to say sth funny and i see it at the end of a really tiring day n it cheers me up too. thanks u too chrispy :)
yixin dunno why shes been in a horrid mood since sunday.
things to complete:
1) acz report (which oso means i have to start to think about the qn tt i wanna do)
2) acc202.2 report
3) acc201 test to study for
4) acc202.2 test to study for
yesh. msyixin is so dead.
i do not want to think about the test tt i did in the afternoon. im guessing it was horrible. i didnt even manage to finish up two pages of stuff. -correction- i got stuck at 1.25 pages. bleaghs.
why is it that when people show me explicitly that they care (e.g. asking me to talk to them about stuffs) the more i keep it to myself? the worse i will feel? the more i feel like crying? how can i bear to worry you when all you're carrying is heavy enough?
yixin is a 使涂癖 girl.
sometimes i dont say stuff not only cos i dont want to worry anyone or bother anyone unnecessarily, but oso because i dont noe why im feeling the way im feeling, so i dont see a point in worrying other ppl for no reason. u of all ppl should noe, that no matter wat u say, i will still keep my probs to myself. until i reach beyond my breaking point. kw: i noe u noe, i noe u care. bt sometimes, ur caring makes me feel worse. i noe u mean the best for me, i noe you just mean well.
i jus wanna cuddle u. you dont have to do anything, or say anything, just let me noe tt u are there. somewhere, just there. jus need to noe tt u are there. tts all.
-it's the simplest things that count-
so much has been happening in my life lately. things that keep pulling me down, and wanting me to stay down. but ive been down there, ive been down there a long long time. and now, all i want to go is up. i dont want to get pulled down and pushed down again.
i thank all my friends for being here for me so i wont stay down there. did u guys noe, that just by being there, just by being who you guys are, you really help me so much. help me to remain being who i am. and to remain standing strong to who i am. many many special thanks to u all ba lurvelies. n of cos, mr chrispy sometimes always happens to say sth funny and i see it at the end of a really tiring day n it cheers me up too. thanks u too chrispy :)
yixin dunno why shes been in a horrid mood since sunday.
things to complete:
1) acz report (which oso means i have to start to think about the qn tt i wanna do)
2) acc202.2 report
3) acc201 test to study for
4) acc202.2 test to study for
yesh. msyixin is so dead.
i do not want to think about the test tt i did in the afternoon. im guessing it was horrible. i didnt even manage to finish up two pages of stuff. -correction- i got stuck at 1.25 pages. bleaghs.
why is it that when people show me explicitly that they care (e.g. asking me to talk to them about stuffs) the more i keep it to myself? the worse i will feel? the more i feel like crying? how can i bear to worry you when all you're carrying is heavy enough?
yixin is a 使涂癖 girl.
sometimes i dont say stuff not only cos i dont want to worry anyone or bother anyone unnecessarily, but oso because i dont noe why im feeling the way im feeling, so i dont see a point in worrying other ppl for no reason. u of all ppl should noe, that no matter wat u say, i will still keep my probs to myself. until i reach beyond my breaking point. kw: i noe u noe, i noe u care. bt sometimes, ur caring makes me feel worse. i noe u mean the best for me, i noe you just mean well.
i jus wanna cuddle u. you dont have to do anything, or say anything, just let me noe tt u are there. somewhere, just there. jus need to noe tt u are there. tts all.
-it's the simplest things that count-
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
tired. worried. stuffs.
its been weighing on my mind.
maybe yixin should go out and get a new router. urgh. why the hell am i the one trying to fix the computer stuff at home???????????? *screams*
im so tired. im so exhausted. n im so worried.
im so worried. hai.
wads gg on.
anw my phone seems to have a bit of prob too. only received the sms tt my bro sent me last night when i was having dinner just now. and only because bro sent it again by mistake. so, it will in actual fact mean that i totally did not receive the sms tt my bro sent ydae. cos i distinctively rmb that i passed the laptop to him when he knocked on my door to get it and i didnt receive any sms from him askin me to pass him the laptop. so my phone is basically starting to get screwed too. but i dont think its d reason to not receive any sms/calls frm u. idk wads gg on, idk wad ur up to. bt i noe im freakin' worried. 腐化克阴-黑乐（大概的音译）
urgh. boooos! im getting worried out of my mind. gg crazy. literally gg crazy. if i dont hear frm u soon ill go mad with worry. hai. y do ppl keep disappearing ard me? it's like im the bermuda triangle or sth! *freaks out*
-holding on to the good memories-
maybe yixin should go out and get a new router. urgh. why the hell am i the one trying to fix the computer stuff at home???????????? *screams*
im so tired. im so exhausted. n im so worried.
im so worried. hai.
wads gg on.
anw my phone seems to have a bit of prob too. only received the sms tt my bro sent me last night when i was having dinner just now. and only because bro sent it again by mistake. so, it will in actual fact mean that i totally did not receive the sms tt my bro sent ydae. cos i distinctively rmb that i passed the laptop to him when he knocked on my door to get it and i didnt receive any sms from him askin me to pass him the laptop. so my phone is basically starting to get screwed too. but i dont think its d reason to not receive any sms/calls frm u. idk wads gg on, idk wad ur up to. bt i noe im freakin' worried. 腐化克阴-黑乐（大概的音译）
urgh. boooos! im getting worried out of my mind. gg crazy. literally gg crazy. if i dont hear frm u soon ill go mad with worry. hai. y do ppl keep disappearing ard me? it's like im the bermuda triangle or sth! *freaks out*
-holding on to the good memories-
Sunday, March 9, 2008
tired n weird n worried
freakin' tired tdy. idk why. been sleeping all day. which means that i havent started studying my aaj. great. absolutely great. bt im super tired nw again. so, i will get some sleep soon. cos yixin's feeling sick.
and im getting very worried. get back to me asap pls. will really appreciate it. shld yx cont to take the meds? hai. maybe i shldnt. headache. hai. not looking forward to tml's class.
and im getting very worried. get back to me asap pls. will really appreciate it. shld yx cont to take the meds? hai. maybe i shldnt. headache. hai. not looking forward to tml's class.
router prob
i see it now.. seems like the internet connection problem has to do with my router (sry lar, tdy is d first day in a long time im free enough to really check out wad the prob is) so i shld get a new router. and for now, i will still be unable to do any research for aaj *=S* so dead. so dead. so dead.
urgh. boos. worried. sad. tired. so tired. time for meds. boos.
urgh. boos. worried. sad. tired. so tired. time for meds. boos.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
randoms
i'm trying to be nice. but it's hard. u're not giving me a chance. stop insulting me already. ive been there, done that, got sick of it, i'm moving on. maybe you should too. stop blaming me, and reflect upon yourself.
pls, stop pushing. i dont want to ruin anymore friendships. can't we just remain friends? if i ever wanted to take anything a step further, i'm sure i'll let you noe. lets just remain friends. pls?
han's bdae "celebration". lucky her got a Baby G for her birthday and *ahem* 3 cakes. long story, lets just say, it's a terrible terrible miscommunication *yet again*.
(hai. yixin is really not in the mood for anything today. supposed to do my research. but, internet's breaking down. -i take about 2-3hrs for each post cos i keep getting dc-ed. and aft i post i get dc-ed almost immediately again- great. just gonna try to see wad i can do)
played 5stones. dont ask me why. we just did. me, ps, py, han, julie. hmm they dont have 5stones in germany! maybe she could like import some over for selling in germany. and teach the kids there at the hospital how to play it. trains coordination and passes the time away real fast i guess.
keeps weighing on my mind. keeps weighing on my mind. stop insulting me. urgh. be gone. be gone. be gone.
idk wad i can say to U. except that i hope there can be more understanding between us. n lets work tgt. i noe theres a lot to put up with. i hope you can forgive me for that. theres so much i wanna say. i dont know how to though. im nt a person whos good with words. n ive got a pretty dead mind.
guess it's time for pen and paper again. sometimes, this just doesnt help a lot and pen and paper always does the trick.
(at this point in time, i have been connected only once, and it lasted 5 mins. and it's been an hour into the post)
-make it work-
pls, stop pushing. i dont want to ruin anymore friendships. can't we just remain friends? if i ever wanted to take anything a step further, i'm sure i'll let you noe. lets just remain friends. pls?
han's bdae "celebration". lucky her got a Baby G for her birthday and *ahem* 3 cakes. long story, lets just say, it's a terrible terrible miscommunication *yet again*.
(hai. yixin is really not in the mood for anything today. supposed to do my research. but, internet's breaking down. -i take about 2-3hrs for each post cos i keep getting dc-ed. and aft i post i get dc-ed almost immediately again- great. just gonna try to see wad i can do)
played 5stones. dont ask me why. we just did. me, ps, py, han, julie. hmm they dont have 5stones in germany! maybe she could like import some over for selling in germany. and teach the kids there at the hospital how to play it. trains coordination and passes the time away real fast i guess.
keeps weighing on my mind. keeps weighing on my mind. stop insulting me. urgh. be gone. be gone. be gone.
idk wad i can say to U. except that i hope there can be more understanding between us. n lets work tgt. i noe theres a lot to put up with. i hope you can forgive me for that. theres so much i wanna say. i dont know how to though. im nt a person whos good with words. n ive got a pretty dead mind.
guess it's time for pen and paper again. sometimes, this just doesnt help a lot and pen and paper always does the trick.
(at this point in time, i have been connected only once, and it lasted 5 mins. and it's been an hour into the post)
-make it work-
Thursday, March 6, 2008
wats wrong with me?
i was really tired today. had originally hoped that this next course of medication would be better than the first. but no, tt was sadly not to be. so im feeling horrible, yes. this post will be a short and depressing one.
had 2hrs slp last night. n came back cos (thanks emms!) emms reminded me tt i had to send the option form over to HQ. so i came back to sign the option form, and oso to meet julie and fg. had abt an hr's rest in the aft lying on the cold floor of the living room.
went to east coast park cos julie wanted to see the ocean (shes deprived) n yea well. i forgot how much i loved the ocean, how much i loved the sea. (pics nxt time - can't get it up cos well, bluetooth not working, usb not working, and adaptor's not with me) got quite some thoughts i guess. -melancholic-
well then aft tt we went to tekka for dinner. had prata. yes, i noe, its a) curry b) fried c) oily. yes i noe. bt when the whole group goes for tt, u cant possibly say i dont eat anything right? so now yixin's paying the price. i think imma go puke later or sth.
den went to clarke quay for tcc. yes. clarke quay. tcc. well, seems like some of the information tt we learnt on that excursion really paid off! well, and yea basically julie and me took train from clarke quay to clementi den cabbed home from there. cos shes staying at my place u see? and shes got a bad leg so she cant really climb tt slope so yea cabbed frm clementi. and it cost $7.20! hai.
im doing wrong things again. maybe im nt ready. or maybe, im just not cut out for it. maybe i should stop trying. shld yixin give up nw?
i no longer have any confidence in myself. even the teeniest tiniest little bit of confidence is gone now.
what is my value in this world? what is my purpose here? dont worry, yixin wld nvr entertain thoughts of suicide. i just sometimes lose my vision. i sidetrack, i veer away, n i cant find my way back.
now, i'm lost in the rainforest. seems tt there is a hand guiding me back. bt im afraid of gg back. when i reach the main road, will i be able to fit in like before? will everything be the same? what would have changed? can i cope with the change? what is the situation going to be like?
so i withdraw. n reject. n distant. i dont want to face d uncertainties. yet, i dont want to be lost and alone again.
-sick- imma go relieve my stomach of its contents now.
had 2hrs slp last night. n came back cos (thanks emms!) emms reminded me tt i had to send the option form over to HQ. so i came back to sign the option form, and oso to meet julie and fg. had abt an hr's rest in the aft lying on the cold floor of the living room.
went to east coast park cos julie wanted to see the ocean (shes deprived) n yea well. i forgot how much i loved the ocean, how much i loved the sea. (pics nxt time - can't get it up cos well, bluetooth not working, usb not working, and adaptor's not with me) got quite some thoughts i guess. -melancholic-
well then aft tt we went to tekka for dinner. had prata. yes, i noe, its a) curry b) fried c) oily. yes i noe. bt when the whole group goes for tt, u cant possibly say i dont eat anything right? so now yixin's paying the price. i think imma go puke later or sth.
den went to clarke quay for tcc. yes. clarke quay. tcc. well, seems like some of the information tt we learnt on that excursion really paid off! well, and yea basically julie and me took train from clarke quay to clementi den cabbed home from there. cos shes staying at my place u see? and shes got a bad leg so she cant really climb tt slope so yea cabbed frm clementi. and it cost $7.20! hai.
im doing wrong things again. maybe im nt ready. or maybe, im just not cut out for it. maybe i should stop trying. shld yixin give up nw?
i no longer have any confidence in myself. even the teeniest tiniest little bit of confidence is gone now.
what is my value in this world? what is my purpose here? dont worry, yixin wld nvr entertain thoughts of suicide. i just sometimes lose my vision. i sidetrack, i veer away, n i cant find my way back.
now, i'm lost in the rainforest. seems tt there is a hand guiding me back. bt im afraid of gg back. when i reach the main road, will i be able to fit in like before? will everything be the same? what would have changed? can i cope with the change? what is the situation going to be like?
so i withdraw. n reject. n distant. i dont want to face d uncertainties. yet, i dont want to be lost and alone again.
-sick- imma go relieve my stomach of its contents now.
a rush (of thoughts too)
am doing it juz before i head out for classes. just the thoughts tts been floating ard.
how am i to tell you everything that's in my heart? how i hold you so dear, so close? how i'm so afraid that it'll all shatter?
how am i to tell you whats going on? thats breaking my heart into a million pieces and it would never be the same whole again?
how can i bear to see you worry when the fault doesn't even lie with you?
to see you sad when i brought it upon myself?
to see you troubled just because of my incompetence and my problems?
how can i ever bear to do all that, when all i want to do is to see you smile? and make you happy?
how can i ever bear to see you sad and frown and upset cos u cant do anything about it, when im feeling sick and poorly? it's never going to go away, you know? it'll always be with me. how can i ever bear to show you how poorly i really feel? to see you upset just cos of that?
im sorry i upset you. pls understand, it's not that i dont love you, it's not that i dont trust you. and though my mouth remains tightly sealed, my tear-filled eyes wld betray me.. i do want to be able to tell you everything. to show you how i really feel. to know that no matter hw weak i am at times, there's a strong shoulder right there for me.
i probably never expected anyone else to be able to finish my sentences, to know what i think when i'm thinking it, to show me everyday that there's a sturdy rock in my life and anytime i want a rest, it'll always be there. to want to just see me sleep, hold my hand and show me they care when i'm ill.. to accept me for the secretly inferior person i am inside, to see that under my "strong" veneer, im juz an ordinary plain jane little girl without a sense of security who savours every ounce of love shown to her. to know that though i may seem to be pushing you away at times, it's only because i hurt inside and i dont want to upset you for that, though i often forget that just by distancing you in that way, i already did it.
can you ever forgive me for my stupidity? my selfishness? my self-centredness?
i hurt more than you think i do.
i am not an unfeeling person.
how am i to tell you everything that's in my heart? how i hold you so dear, so close? how i'm so afraid that it'll all shatter?
how am i to tell you whats going on? thats breaking my heart into a million pieces and it would never be the same whole again?
how can i bear to see you worry when the fault doesn't even lie with you?
to see you sad when i brought it upon myself?
to see you troubled just because of my incompetence and my problems?
how can i ever bear to do all that, when all i want to do is to see you smile? and make you happy?
how can i ever bear to see you sad and frown and upset cos u cant do anything about it, when im feeling sick and poorly? it's never going to go away, you know? it'll always be with me. how can i ever bear to show you how poorly i really feel? to see you upset just cos of that?
im sorry i upset you. pls understand, it's not that i dont love you, it's not that i dont trust you. and though my mouth remains tightly sealed, my tear-filled eyes wld betray me.. i do want to be able to tell you everything. to show you how i really feel. to know that no matter hw weak i am at times, there's a strong shoulder right there for me.
i probably never expected anyone else to be able to finish my sentences, to know what i think when i'm thinking it, to show me everyday that there's a sturdy rock in my life and anytime i want a rest, it'll always be there. to want to just see me sleep, hold my hand and show me they care when i'm ill.. to accept me for the secretly inferior person i am inside, to see that under my "strong" veneer, im juz an ordinary plain jane little girl without a sense of security who savours every ounce of love shown to her. to know that though i may seem to be pushing you away at times, it's only because i hurt inside and i dont want to upset you for that, though i often forget that just by distancing you in that way, i already did it.
can you ever forgive me for my stupidity? my selfishness? my self-centredness?
i hurt more than you think i do.
i am not an unfeeling person.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
happy day (???)
well it's a happy day today cos first and foremost: TODAY IS THE LAST DOSAGE OF THE HORRIBLE MEDS!!!. on the other hand, i have to start another course of 3weeks worth of medicine tonight. :(
and second thing to be happy about: julie's in sg! hahahas. yes julie. German doctor. she'll be staying a week. :) its so nice to see her again!
and yea well.. so far, its looking like this course of medicine wouldnt be any better. im really tired aft taking it. hai.
yixin has forgotten what she wanted to blog about today. but u noe, yea, well.. hai. tomorrow, morning lesson. is there anything to do for it? i'm not very sure. n yixin's having a tummy ache. hai.
im having a blue blue blue blue day.
and second thing to be happy about: julie's in sg! hahahas. yes julie. German doctor. she'll be staying a week. :) its so nice to see her again!
and yea well.. so far, its looking like this course of medicine wouldnt be any better. im really tired aft taking it. hai.
yixin has forgotten what she wanted to blog about today. but u noe, yea, well.. hai. tomorrow, morning lesson. is there anything to do for it? i'm not very sure. n yixin's having a tummy ache. hai.
im having a blue blue blue blue day.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
wasted day? -perception-
in terms of my schoolwork of course, today is totally wasted cos i did not touch any schoolwork at all. i didnt think about my acz qn n hence i didnt think about my survey questions tt im supposed to draft out.. and i didnt do any research for aaj either.. and i didnt even study aaj or revise any work. so yes, in terms of my schoolwork, its pretty much wasted.
but in terms of mental health, i think my sanity is restored :) i wldnt elaborate too much on this. lets just say, i had a very fulfilling day. and i had a wonderful day. and yes, my sanity's restored i think. thank you for everything.. :) u did more than u noe.. n i really appreciate that and i thank you so much for that.
wells. i, as usual, was freakin'ly tired aft taking the meds in the morning. sry if i was zoned, spazed, or sian-ed. i dont know how i'll cope in class tomorrow. 5hrs straight.. hai. nt to mention, zad is taking the last 3hrs. bleaghs. me is so dead.
esp since yixin was naughty today :( cos yixin ate stuffs she wasnt supposed to eat.. cant eat oily, fried, spicy stuff.. but had all 3 tdy. hai. yixin will pay the price for being so naughty and greey. im sure of tt. my tummy may rebel aftwards. hai. *pukish*
i think these few days the ppl on friendster must be really free. -.-" 128 views since 3/1/08? they must be really bored man! there's no other explanation.
maybe i shld feel better abt myself n nt keep putting myself dwn. have more self-confidence or sth. but wells. yixin has just had dinner and is very full n thinks she'll get very fat very soon :P
-i need a back rub-
must i really upset another person? i dont want to. bt if he doesnt get the hints, im afraid i have to. hai. yixin shld get an early rest n nt worry her head abt this. i gt better things to think abt. i.e. my schoolwork (which is so lagging behind).
but in terms of mental health, i think my sanity is restored :) i wldnt elaborate too much on this. lets just say, i had a very fulfilling day. and i had a wonderful day. and yes, my sanity's restored i think. thank you for everything.. :) u did more than u noe.. n i really appreciate that and i thank you so much for that.
wells. i, as usual, was freakin'ly tired aft taking the meds in the morning. sry if i was zoned, spazed, or sian-ed. i dont know how i'll cope in class tomorrow. 5hrs straight.. hai. nt to mention, zad is taking the last 3hrs. bleaghs. me is so dead.
esp since yixin was naughty today :( cos yixin ate stuffs she wasnt supposed to eat.. cant eat oily, fried, spicy stuff.. but had all 3 tdy. hai. yixin will pay the price for being so naughty and greey. im sure of tt. my tummy may rebel aftwards. hai. *pukish*
i think these few days the ppl on friendster must be really free. -.-" 128 views since 3/1/08? they must be really bored man! there's no other explanation.
maybe i shld feel better abt myself n nt keep putting myself dwn. have more self-confidence or sth. but wells. yixin has just had dinner and is very full n thinks she'll get very fat very soon :P
-i need a back rub-
must i really upset another person? i dont want to. bt if he doesnt get the hints, im afraid i have to. hai. yixin shld get an early rest n nt worry her head abt this. i gt better things to think abt. i.e. my schoolwork (which is so lagging behind).
Monday, March 3, 2008
terrible day
firstly, it's a monday. secondly, it's the monday after recess week. urgh. well, and I still have to take my medicine. and i was literally tortured through the six full hours of lessons. cos i was so drowsy. esp kctan's class i was really losing it alr. i thought i'd have kinda adapted to the meds well enough to cope with it but no, that wasn't the case. my brain kept shutting down and rebooting itself at very regular intervals. plus, a side effect of the meds is having an upset stomach and i had to rush out of a class cos of that (not like i was really listening but i really was trying to pay attention and listen my brain just kept shutting down). and i felt really nauseous all day too. haiz.
and when i gt home, i took my meds (the before meal one) before gg to shower. n before i knew it, i was puking into the toilet bowl like there was no tomorrow. hai. i think i threw up the meds. :( i felt nauseous to the point of puking aft dinner too. lucky i havent taken the after meal pills yet.
went downstairs to get some water for the pills, and suddenly felt really nauseous, so i left the pills on the cupboard in the living room. daddy happened to walk pass and he was like: huh! these are the pills u have to take ar?!? 5pills everytime?!?! so much u have to take one time ar??! and i was like: yea! and rushing to the toilet just in time to lock the door and throw up in the toilet bowl. hai.
sorry, these few posts have all been about how horrible i'm feeling. :( it's been a lot of sad posts recently i guess. im sorry. hai. when i feel better, i'll blog more abt happier stuff. and i havent uploaded the pics of the taiwan friends and ah-bu either. and more pics of qianqian.
for now, im too tired. (i fell asleep at the dining table) yixin shld really get some rest tonight i guess.
im sry i had to make tt decision. i dont expect u to understand. i dont want to explain. you, being as eligible as you are, shldnt have probs moving on. it hurt wen u called me a b****. but. i will live with it to keep my sanity. i want to be myself.
yixin is going to rest soon.
thanks chrispy for the get well wish. :) i didnt expect it from u. :) thank you.. really. :) and to the most lurvely ba peeps who had to put up with my sian-ness tdy. sorry y'all.. i'll make it up to u guys one day? promise i'll be higher on wed! (hopefully cos theres a morning dose on wed. :( *crosses my fingers and prays that wed's going to be better*) i love u all!!!! *huggs!!!**muahhs!!!*
and when i gt home, i took my meds (the before meal one) before gg to shower. n before i knew it, i was puking into the toilet bowl like there was no tomorrow. hai. i think i threw up the meds. :( i felt nauseous to the point of puking aft dinner too. lucky i havent taken the after meal pills yet.
went downstairs to get some water for the pills, and suddenly felt really nauseous, so i left the pills on the cupboard in the living room. daddy happened to walk pass and he was like: huh! these are the pills u have to take ar?!? 5pills everytime?!?! so much u have to take one time ar??! and i was like: yea! and rushing to the toilet just in time to lock the door and throw up in the toilet bowl. hai.
sorry, these few posts have all been about how horrible i'm feeling. :( it's been a lot of sad posts recently i guess. im sorry. hai. when i feel better, i'll blog more abt happier stuff. and i havent uploaded the pics of the taiwan friends and ah-bu either. and more pics of qianqian.
for now, im too tired. (i fell asleep at the dining table) yixin shld really get some rest tonight i guess.
im sry i had to make tt decision. i dont expect u to understand. i dont want to explain. you, being as eligible as you are, shldnt have probs moving on. it hurt wen u called me a b****. but. i will live with it to keep my sanity. i want to be myself.
yixin is going to rest soon.
thanks chrispy for the get well wish. :) i didnt expect it from u. :) thank you.. really. :) and to the most lurvely ba peeps who had to put up with my sian-ness tdy. sorry y'all.. i'll make it up to u guys one day? promise i'll be higher on wed! (hopefully cos theres a morning dose on wed. :( *crosses my fingers and prays that wed's going to be better*) i love u all!!!! *huggs!!!**muahhs!!!*
Sunday, March 2, 2008
acz completion! (and random stuff)
hahas. i have finally hit the word minimum for the acz assignment. BUT it's all crap and nth else. and i havent edited it yet. i'm still thinking whether i am going to edit it later.
yixin is so tired. yixin did not sleep at all last night. i mean, did not sleep at all. hai. was talking on the phone with Jy for a bit. then i cldnt get to sleep. so, it's the usual stuff. tossing, turning, tossing, and turning again, and tossing again... before i decided to get up and might as well start doing my acz assignment. how high is that?
got to about 800 words (inc. punctuation tt is) then i decided: only another 1000 words or so more. might as well leave it till tomorrow. so i tried to go to slp again. bt, didnt work either. left the computer on tho.. got up tried to connect to the internet (time and time again it failed. failed. failed) then i gave up on that too. n idk hw i tahan-ed till this morning. but around 7+ i juz went to shower. and i havent slept since.
so i havent slept since .. lemme see .. hmmm .. 8am yesterday morning perhaps? hai. yixin is tired. but yixin wont take the pills tdy cos idk if i can mix the pills. as in, idk if taking the pills now will have any effect/reaction to the antibiotics and stuff tt im taking.
so anyways, been reading the Merck Manual of Medical Information (selective topics. of course, my fav topics are : sleep disorders, digestive system :P) so, this bacteria in my stomach is called the helicobacter pylori bacteria. it's like a common bacteria tt gets in a lot of people's stomachs. some ppl dont develop any symptoms, others (like me) develop symptoms like nausea, sharp acute pain in the upper abdomen. so apparently my symptoms were quite strong tts y i had such strong meds. hai. got to do a "blow test" (no, not blowjob! u dirty minds out there. blow as in like the traffic police testing for alcohol levels kind of blow test) in apr. which = MORE MONEY TO BE SPENT. yixin is really sad. hai.
so in any case, tomorrow's full day lessons. hai. daddy n mommy keep asking me: u sure u monday can go sch or not? cos seriously, i will keep falling asleep or sth. cos i have to say, the meds really kick in a punch. hai. i do not want to think about monday's lessons. i'll have to go, i guess. cant really take MC for "drowsiness due to medication". right? hai. lets see how. my dearest dr. kenneth khoo is open at 830am so i might pop over just to see if i can get an MC. hahas. if i can, good. if i cant, i'll have to cab to sch or sth. lol. i dont think i'll do that lar. slackeroo style. (but hey! tts me!!! oh gawrsh ... *rolleyes*)
--> can't you tell? tt yixin's going crazy?
oh and anyways, things been getting complicated. hai. i really dont know what to do! i only have myself to blame for this sticky situation. im stuck. i dont wanna lose my friends. i dont wanna lose what i fought for. but, am i holding on only becos i fought for it? only becos i want to prove that i can outlast u? if tts d case, im letting go. cos there's no point in that.
yixin is so tired. yixin did not sleep at all last night. i mean, did not sleep at all. hai. was talking on the phone with Jy for a bit. then i cldnt get to sleep. so, it's the usual stuff. tossing, turning, tossing, and turning again, and tossing again... before i decided to get up and might as well start doing my acz assignment. how high is that?
got to about 800 words (inc. punctuation tt is) then i decided: only another 1000 words or so more. might as well leave it till tomorrow. so i tried to go to slp again. bt, didnt work either. left the computer on tho.. got up tried to connect to the internet (time and time again it failed. failed. failed) then i gave up on that too. n idk hw i tahan-ed till this morning. but around 7+ i juz went to shower. and i havent slept since.
so i havent slept since .. lemme see .. hmmm .. 8am yesterday morning perhaps? hai. yixin is tired. but yixin wont take the pills tdy cos idk if i can mix the pills. as in, idk if taking the pills now will have any effect/reaction to the antibiotics and stuff tt im taking.
so anyways, been reading the Merck Manual of Medical Information (selective topics. of course, my fav topics are : sleep disorders, digestive system :P) so, this bacteria in my stomach is called the helicobacter pylori bacteria. it's like a common bacteria tt gets in a lot of people's stomachs. some ppl dont develop any symptoms, others (like me) develop symptoms like nausea, sharp acute pain in the upper abdomen. so apparently my symptoms were quite strong tts y i had such strong meds. hai. got to do a "blow test" (no, not blowjob! u dirty minds out there. blow as in like the traffic police testing for alcohol levels kind of blow test) in apr. which = MORE MONEY TO BE SPENT. yixin is really sad. hai.
so in any case, tomorrow's full day lessons. hai. daddy n mommy keep asking me: u sure u monday can go sch or not? cos seriously, i will keep falling asleep or sth. cos i have to say, the meds really kick in a punch. hai. i do not want to think about monday's lessons. i'll have to go, i guess. cant really take MC for "drowsiness due to medication". right? hai. lets see how. my dearest dr. kenneth khoo is open at 830am so i might pop over just to see if i can get an MC. hahas. if i can, good. if i cant, i'll have to cab to sch or sth. lol. i dont think i'll do that lar. slackeroo style. (but hey! tts me!!! oh gawrsh ... *rolleyes*)
--> can't you tell? tt yixin's going crazy?
oh and anyways, things been getting complicated. hai. i really dont know what to do! i only have myself to blame for this sticky situation. im stuck. i dont wanna lose my friends. i dont wanna lose what i fought for. but, am i holding on only becos i fought for it? only becos i want to prove that i can outlast u? if tts d case, im letting go. cos there's no point in that.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
random thoughts
have been clocking a lot of hours on my handphone these days, with calls from Jy and JL. n my ear's kind of burning cos i only talk on one side (i have this very particular side preference thing going on). the last time i used so much phone i think was like ... never. ive never been a particularly phone person. maybe it's becos no one ever really calls me to just chit chat. or sth. or the other. idk what im talking about really. hai.
yixin doesnt really know what shes doing. hai. am trying to do my acz assignment.
i guess my body's starting to cope with the medicine cos these days it dont feel that bad. i still get really tired and drowsy but its not as bad as the first two days that i started on the meds. i hope i can get through monday and wed's lessons. hai.
yixin shld get more clothes i guess. esp attachment's gonna be for 5weeks! n maybe yixin shld start takin more pics. was looking through our family's album and guess what. yixin has almost no photos at all for memories (there were only 2 photos with me in it during my whole 6years of sec sch and jc). it's like .. some part of me is missing. especially in family photos. the entire family's there, n u arent. now that i think about it, now that i look at it, i really missed out a lot of memories somehow. so maybe i shld take this time to start taking pics i guess.
n i think i shld start to have higher self-esteem i guess. n better self-perception. ppl ard me are starting to make me feel like: hey, maybe i'm not as bad as i thought. maybe i can be a much better person. maybe i am a much better person than ive always thought, and than ive always been told (by certain members of The Family).
i still cant get a good and stable internet connection. hai.
i shld start getting motivated to do my assignments. i really should. but i really cant think of what to write for my acz assignment! halps!!!!!
yixin doesnt really know what shes doing. hai. am trying to do my acz assignment.
i guess my body's starting to cope with the medicine cos these days it dont feel that bad. i still get really tired and drowsy but its not as bad as the first two days that i started on the meds. i hope i can get through monday and wed's lessons. hai.
yixin shld get more clothes i guess. esp attachment's gonna be for 5weeks! n maybe yixin shld start takin more pics. was looking through our family's album and guess what. yixin has almost no photos at all for memories (there were only 2 photos with me in it during my whole 6years of sec sch and jc). it's like .. some part of me is missing. especially in family photos. the entire family's there, n u arent. now that i think about it, now that i look at it, i really missed out a lot of memories somehow. so maybe i shld take this time to start taking pics i guess.
n i think i shld start to have higher self-esteem i guess. n better self-perception. ppl ard me are starting to make me feel like: hey, maybe i'm not as bad as i thought. maybe i can be a much better person. maybe i am a much better person than ive always thought, and than ive always been told (by certain members of The Family).
i still cant get a good and stable internet connection. hai.
i shld start getting motivated to do my assignments. i really should. but i really cant think of what to write for my acz assignment! halps!!!!!
today is SO NOT my day
yixin is extremely extremely upset. i mean, extremely upset.
give me strength to cry. pls. give me the strength i need to cry.
give me strength to cry. pls. give me the strength i need to cry.
memories..?
he kinda reminds me of u. hw he listens and rmbs wat ive said in previous conversations. ya he does.
is it hw i think it is? yixin is confused. so confused. this thing is getting complicated. hw shall i handle this? but then again, is it how i think it is? i'm not sure of it myself.
im really confused. it's keeping me up at night. i keep tossing and turning and tho im so tired frm the meds, i just cant sleep.
i still rmb how fiercely stubborn i was back in sec sch. tt even on my migraine days (which was everyday) i still wouldnt take the meds tho the pain was so bad tt it hurt even to turn my head, the pain escalated whenever i made any single action.
and now, if i cant slp, i succumb to the temptations of the pills sometimes. i try not to take them, bt sometimes when i cant stop thinking abt some things, things that make me cry, things that make me cringe in pain every time i think about it, i once again succumb to the temptations. im nt as strong as i think i am i guess. maybe my strength just wore off over the years.
is it hw i think it is? yixin is confused. so confused. this thing is getting complicated. hw shall i handle this? but then again, is it how i think it is? i'm not sure of it myself.
im really confused. it's keeping me up at night. i keep tossing and turning and tho im so tired frm the meds, i just cant sleep.
i still rmb how fiercely stubborn i was back in sec sch. tt even on my migraine days (which was everyday) i still wouldnt take the meds tho the pain was so bad tt it hurt even to turn my head, the pain escalated whenever i made any single action.
and now, if i cant slp, i succumb to the temptations of the pills sometimes. i try not to take them, bt sometimes when i cant stop thinking abt some things, things that make me cry, things that make me cringe in pain every time i think about it, i once again succumb to the temptations. im nt as strong as i think i am i guess. maybe my strength just wore off over the years.
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