and other random stuff

if i vanished, will anyone miss me? will anyone think about me? will anyone mourn my loss? will anyone realise that i'm gone? will i be in anyone's hearts?
if i were ill or injured, will anyone's hearts hurt? will anyone be worried? will anyone panic?
if i were not me, but someone else instead, will i be facing the same problems?
if i were a different me, would the path i chose be different than the one i took?
if i handled things differently, will it all boil down to the same fundamental problems?

there are so many "if's" and i just can't answer any single one of them.


sometimes i imagine that im sick or injured,
and i wonder if there will be anyone there.
sometimes in the middle of the night, i see my own funeral, with no one there beside.
i break out in cold sweat, face drenched with tears
silently wretched.
at times i chide myself,
for having thoughts like that.
at times i can't help but think:
you know thats not true,
so why think about that?
but most times i am insecure,
i don't know how i am.
i dont know what i am.
i dont know ..
i dont know who i am.

so, who the hell am i?
yixin the NIE student?
yixin the elder sister?
yixin the younger sister?
yixin the daughter?
yixin the cousin?
yixin that nobody loves?
yixin that nobody likes?
yixin who seems so strong?
yixin who is silently vulnerable?
yixin the ex-girlfriend?
yixin the girlfriend?
yixin the irritating girl?
yixin the tutor?
yixin the student?
yixin whom some hate?
yixin the joker? the classmate? the who?

so many different roles we all play in life.

can i just be known as "yixin"?
one single "yixin", the same yixin everyone knows.
i am the NIE student, the elder sister, the younger sister, the daughter, the cousin,
the yixin
that some people love and some people hate,
who seems so strong at times and yet is silent vulnerable too,
the ex-girlfriend, the girlfriend,
the irritating one, the funny one,
the tutor, the student, the teacher.
the probably The Slacker too.

i am all of it, and perhaps, none of it too.
irritating at times, funny at times,
mocking and sceptical yet trusting all at the very same time,
witty sometimes but conscientiously ignorant and idiotically stupid at others.

so who am i?
all of it? none of it?
maybe, just maybe,
maybe i'm just me.

im not yixin. i am me.
i'm not the body that you see,
the face that you peer into,
the eyes you try to see inside.
i am the one inside.
the one you can't see,
nor touch,
nor feel.
i'm not the "brain",
the "cognition".
not the "soul",
nor the "spirit".
i am.. ME.

defined only by my thoughts.
by what others think of me.
i'm just that.
i'm whoever you think i am, i guess.
defined only by others perception.
by the actions that my body makes,
the speech that my mouth forms.
dictated by the processes that my brain chooses to convey.

so am i me? or am i not me? or am i quintessentially me?

who's to noe?

maybe i do.
and maybe i don't.

simply .. me.
as undefined as a blank Word document.