a rush (of thoughts too)

am doing it juz before i head out for classes. just the thoughts tts been floating ard.

how am i to tell you everything that's in my heart? how i hold you so dear, so close? how i'm so afraid that it'll all shatter?
how am i to tell you whats going on? thats breaking my heart into a million pieces and it would never be the same whole again?
how can i bear to see you worry when the fault doesn't even lie with you?
to see you sad when i brought it upon myself?
to see you troubled just because of my incompetence and my problems?
how can i ever bear to do all that, when all i want to do is to see you smile? and make you happy?
how can i ever bear to see you sad and frown and upset cos u cant do anything about it, when im feeling sick and poorly? it's never going to go away, you know? it'll always be with me. how can i ever bear to show you how poorly i really feel? to see you upset just cos of that?

im sorry i upset you. pls understand, it's not that i dont love you, it's not that i dont trust you. and though my mouth remains tightly sealed, my tear-filled eyes wld betray me.. i do want to be able to tell you everything. to show you how i really feel. to know that no matter hw weak i am at times, there's a strong shoulder right there for me.

i probably never expected anyone else to be able to finish my sentences, to know what i think when i'm thinking it, to show me everyday that there's a sturdy rock in my life and anytime i want a rest, it'll always be there. to want to just see me sleep, hold my hand and show me they care when i'm ill.. to accept me for the secretly inferior person i am inside, to see that under my "strong" veneer, im juz an ordinary plain jane little girl without a sense of security who savours every ounce of love shown to her. to know that though i may seem to be pushing you away at times, it's only because i hurt inside and i dont want to upset you for that, though i often forget that just by distancing you in that way, i already did it.

can you ever forgive me for my stupidity? my selfishness? my self-centredness?



i hurt more than you think i do.
i am not an unfeeling person.